"Harden the fuck up"

Because I'm way too sensitive, and the second time I watched this, I felt like crying. I mean seriously... What the fuck?

Just in case it doesn't work...

Although I must admit it's very well done, and the lack of voice acting adds to the effect on the audience, it's from explosm.net... Anything from them is hardly "cry-worthy".

And yes, I am going to be that guy in this situation, one day in the future:
"Today, I went to watch the Movie "UP." At one point in the movie I got really sad and started to cry a bit. The 7 year old girl next to me noticed and told me to shut and man up. FML"
Not really looking forward to it, but it's bound to happen to me. Good fun.

-----

On a side note, I'm really hungry. Only 30 mins until I head down to the shops (which is only a 5 minute walk), and get "lunch", and some snack stuff for all 2 people spending the night. Of the 4 that I invited, 3 will show up, 1 has to leave at 10:30, since he has a lecture tomorrow, and 1 can't come. No idea why.I have all of 4 friends that can actually make it to celebrate my birthday all night, 1 can't come, 1 leaves early. Fun... I do plan on having a real party when I get back from Vietnam in November, but that will be after I've planned out how to get to Darwin, and what else I'm going to do for the rest of my summer, before being forced to work.
Lets see how that goes.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know how to be anything other than what I am.

But you need me to be something else.

And I want to be something else, for you.

Because what I am is destroying me. And it tries to blame itself on you, but I know it isn't you. It really is me.

And I don't want it to be me.

Please. Help me change. For you. To be what you need.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I wasn't grumpy.

I was depressed.
No matter how much I wish it, and no matter how much I dream it. No matter how much I explain it to you, you don't feel how I feel about you, about me.
You may never feel that way.
Am I wasting my time?
Am I waiting for something that will never be?
Am I in love with someone who only wants to torture me, and break my heart?
I don't know.
I don't.
I love you. You know this.
I want to be with you. You know this.
I wish I was already with you. You know this.
But it seems like you don't care.
You don't want to be with me.
You entertain my whims for a small time, but when it comes right down to it, that's all it is. You humour me, but when it counts, you don't care.
I set myself up this way.
I say things that trigger a response from you, and I already know what the response is. But it's never what I hope for it to be. And I know that it won't be. I know that it won't be, but I do it any way.
And then I question myself.
"What am I doing?"
I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Everyday, I set myself up for disappointment, and then I wonder why i get upset.
But it doesn't matter.
I guess it never mattered.
Will it ever matter?
In the state I'm in right now, I'm compelled to think "No. It will never matter."
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

So many things that can go wrong.

There's so many things that can go wrong with a person. Let's take a quick look at me.

I am:
- Neurotic
- Paranoid
- Obsessive
- Posessive
- Depressive
- Weak
- Self-centered
- Self-absorbed
- Selfish

And I'm doing this all for pity, so I guess we should add that up there.

I walked away. I tried to walk away. I lasted less than 12 hours. I went back. And now...

Now let's look at what I'm worried about right this second:
- What if she likes him better than me?
- What if she prefers him to me?
- What if she never speaks to me again?
- What if she forgets about me?
- What if they made it official?
- Would there be any point in me going up to Darwin to "sweep her off her feet"?
- Did I ever have any real chance with her?
- Do I still have any real chance with her?
- Toay we spoke about our "relationship...
- Was that just a joke?
- Did I take more seriously than her?
- Do I take it too seriously?
- Is she just messing with me?
- She acts like she loves me.
- She tells me she cares.
- She doesn't want to hurt me.
- Why does this happen, regardless?

And yet...

We all have our outlets.

I just never realised what I had to do to calm down. To feel better.

But I feel better now. I just hope it lasts. And I don't have to do it every time I feel like this.

But if I do, it's not hurting anybody. I hope it's not hurting anybody.

I guess we'll just have to see.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I'm not sleeping sober tonight.

I can't let go.

I can't let go.

And I'm not going to bed sober tonight.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It's funny how onw phone call...

Can help so much.

Thank you, Paul.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I didn't want it to be like this.

I didn't want it to end this way, but I had no choice.

Reading back on my old blogs, and all the times I had no idea what to do and how to act, terrified of scaring her away.

I just didn't expect that it would end up with me leaving her. And I still have a broken heart.

I don't know how long I can do this.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It's done.

I'm done. Single again. But not.

Not ready to deal with this. Not ready to be alone.

Back to the worst position I've ever been in.

Who knows how long I last before I start running back.

Guess we'll just have to find out.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Is this it?

Is this how it feels to have your heart ripped out? Not just ripped out. Completely and utterly destroyed. Torn into little peices, thrown into a fire and then having the ashes nuked for good measure.

I knew she didn't love me. I knew she didn't care.

I just lived in delusion.

We didn't even make it a month of the 6 we set out.

I should have known it wouldn't last.

We joked, and we messed around and it felt right, but that didn't matter.

I guess I'm back where I was.

Alone. Lost. Broken.

And who would want to fix me?

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Why is it so hard?

Because he can give her something physical. Something real. He can give her what she needs, and I can't. He can do and be everything she needs. While I'm stuck in Melbourne with irrational thoughts, irrational wishes. Irrational hopes and dreams of what will happen when I get up there.

All because she might find someone else before I get up there. And it hurts. I'm so committed to her. But she's not committed to me. And I can't get the thought of them together out of my head. I don't know what he looks like, but I don't need to. She was giddy and nervous and bubbly in preparation for her date, and that's more than she's been for me. There's no way I can be there for her like he is.

I know I said 6 months, and agreed to it, but it wasn't until the other day that I realised how long 6 months can be, and how easily she can find someone else. I didn't expect her to find someone else. I hoped she wouldn't find someone else. Not to replace me. But to be a better me. We're not dating. We're not going out. We're not a couple. So it wouldn't technically be a replacement. I'm not expecting to be replaced, but I am expecting to be sidelined. To be put second to him. If only because he's there for her, and I'm stuck in Melbourne.

She made it feel like we were together. I thought it meant something. Not only does it appear that I was wrong, but it breaks my heart as well. I'm committed to her because I love her so much, but she doesn't reciprocate. How could she? I'm not a great catch. I don't really have much going for me. I drive myself insane. I drive her insane. Maybe she's better off with this new guy instead of me. Alot of people are better off without me, it seems.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing any more. She doesn't feel the way I feel. She holds back. When we talk I can tell that she's holding back from me. I don't know why. But she doesn't know how I feel about her. She doesn't understand how much it hurts. She can't understand.

The worst part about dreams is that sometimes you see things you don't want to see. And the best thing about being asleep was dreaming of her with me. Now the worst part about being asleep is dreaming of her with him. When I get depressed, I get tired.I used to sleep, and I'd feel better. But how can I sleep when they haunt my dreams together?

I agreed to 6 months, but I didn't realise that this would happen within the first month. And it still is the first month. Only a few days away from the beginning of the second month, but still the first month. If she can do this in the first month, then what can she do in the fifth month, or the final month? What could she do after seeing this guy for a few months?

Sure, she cares about me. But does she care enough to tell her friends about me? I know Biccy. Biccy is a friend of mine now. We talk every now and then, and she helps me with problems I have. But what about her other friends? Does she care enough about me to discuss me with them? Or would they just tell her that I'm not worth it? That she's better off with her new friend, and that ignoring me until the end of the 6 months, or until I get to Darwin is the right thing to do. What if she's still dating this guy when I get up there? Will she dump him for me, or will I be stuck holding the flowers in the rain, as she has dinner on the other side of the window, not realising that I'm there. Leaving me even more broken-hearted than I already am now.

-----

iTunes has an incredible way of picking up on moods and feelings, and playing the most appropriate sing it can find.

Disease - Matchbox Twenty

 

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebodys heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No ones ever turned you over
No ones tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Dont pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I cant breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Dont pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
Im free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

 

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

-----

I can't walk away from her. But I can't stay and watch her be with someone else. What am I supposed to do? There's no easy decision for this.

I love her, but she doesn't love me. And even if I screamed and yelled it to her, I still don't think she'd understand.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I'm going insane.

She's gone out for the night. With another guy. A guy she has chemistry with.

How am I supposed to react? I'm completely in love with her. I'd do anything I could for her.

But it's like she doesn't reciprocate. She doesn't understand. She doesn't get how I feel about her.

She says she cares about me. That's not how I feel about her.

What if she prefers him? Will I lose her before I get any real chance with her?

I know nothing will replace me. That's what she says. But just because I can't be replaced doesn't mean I can't be overruled.

I love her. I really do. And I want her to have the best. But what if I'm not the best? What do I do then?

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

There are no rules.

Doesn't mean you can't get hurt.
Doesn't mean things can't go wrong.
Doesn't mean things don't feel the way they should.
Doesn't mean what happens now, won't effect how we feel later.

There's so many things it doesn't mean. I just wish you understood.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I feel so inadequate.

In all my time of posting on these sites, I have about 70 posts... This making it 71. I thought I was doing well by posting 5 times a day at one point, although they were fully loaded posts. Shannyn's record stands at 20 posts a day. With a total of 169 posts, in less than a month.

I've been posting on here for the past few months, and I have 70 posts, with a best of 5 per day. If that weren't bad enough I challenged her to a post off, in order to see who can  "boast the most posts" (try saying that 10 times fast[I got up to 4 before it ran into itself]). I obviously don't stand a chance.

At least some good will come of her posting craze. As soon as she hits 200 posts, in less than a month, we get to have a party. :D
The party will include lots of things starting with "B", including Batman and a blu pinata. I can't remember what else, but I'm sure she'll re-tell me what they are as soon as she reads this.

-----

On a completely unrelated note, I have a trial exam today. A resit of a trial exam. A trial exam I have already done, but did so poorly in, the teacher basically gave us the answers before holidays started, and we have to sit down and redo the exact same exam... I still don't remember the exact answers he wants, so I'm printing off a timeline of both the Russian and American Revolution, and will be reading through that, at least until I have to resit the exam.

Wish me luck.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

You know those movies.

Everybody knows those movies. Back in the 80's where every single male character had slicked back hair, a very poor mustache/beard combination and the big, black sunglasses. Those days were a nightmare, I'm sure. The style itself is a nightmare.

What's even worse is deciding to put your hair up, not realising you are in fact reliving these days and the style (or just plain living them, since I was born after this era), until that night. 8 hours, at least of looking like a bad 80's movie star. And not a good one, either. A very, very bad one.
And so, ladies and gentlemen blog followers, I present to you, my recreation of a bad 80's movie star, on a good day, when the style was at its worse.

-----

And now, to distract you:

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Why does no one belive me?

I tell them this dog is plotting to take over the world, but nobody believes me!
I'm trying to save your lives here!

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Because it's an awesome song. (A youtube embed)

Comatose - Skillet

-----

Yes I am aware of what kind of band Skillet is. I don't really see why that should stop me from listening to a decent song, that is vague, and can be attributed to more than one distinct thing.

This does not mean I will be preaching religious beliefs to every single person I meet on the streets, nor will I preach religious beliefs in my blog. I just enjoy the song. And they do have a few good ones. We can leave it at that.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

He moves out in March.

Because at the moment it's just a block of land.

The house still needs to be "built", but I don't see how a tent will take 6 months to set up. >_>

He'll be 20 at that point, and will have the option of moving back within 6 months of leaving, if he wants to.

It's all very exciting.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

My brother bought a house today.

And since I've been in my room all day I only just found out.

I don't know what it looks like or where it is, but it exists, apparently.

-----

On a more important note, I have burritos for dinner tonight! :D

But the two little girls from down the road (7 and 9) who are absolutely in love with me (more than a 7 or 9 year old should be) are here for dinner. So I guess the burritos are to counter-balance them coming over. Or maybe were having burritos for dinner because they're coming over. Not to make up for it.

I'm not really sure. But I'll be sure to (at least attempt to[If I can really be bothered {which I most likely can't}]) keep you posted.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

TWTFSREBENOUSNSWGOSCANDTOHN!

The longest anagram of all time? Possibly. However last nights conversation was so incredible and awesome, this anagram in itself is the only way to describe how amazing it was. And this anagram is actually representative of Nachos.

It is up to you, fine readers, to guess what it means. Leave what you think it means in a comment, but I can guarantee, only one of you will get it.

Good luck

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I had a massive post lined up...

But after falling asleep while writing it multipe times (due to sleep deprivation), I just couldn't be fucked.

It basically outlined depression and what I saw it as, before I was going to go into last nights dinner, but now... I really can't be bothered. I guess now is as appropriate as any time to post the new song with lyrics that basically describes exactly how I feel right now. So here goes.

Monster - Skillet

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

I can't control the monster. But I also can't keep it caged. It breaks free. Frequently.

And always at the worst possible times. I was having a wonderful time messing around with my best friend. Having fun. And then suddenly, I started to drop. I could feel it coming. So I tried to cheer myself up by making jokes, but to no avail.

So here I am. About 2 hours later, lying in the dark, pouring my soul to the internet.

-----

The reason for the downfall? I am a bitch. I am a pussy. I am a wimp and I cannot fight back. I want to fight back, but I get scared. Why? Because I am weak.

I am weak. I am a coward. I am meek, timid, indesicive and spineless.

Sometimes I honestly believe the world would be better off with one less person like me. But I can't do it. I can never do it.

For the very reasons I want to go, I can't. I am weak. I am a coward. I am meek, timid, indesicive and spineless. The never ending circle of irony.

Guess I'm stuck here.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

The challenge has been issued...

Me: Hopefully after christmas but before NYE. Biccy: Fun times. Me: Yeah. Biccy: We can all get smashed together. Me: :) Me: I don't get smashed. :\ Biccy: Eh. Biccy: Give it a shot. Ben: Drinking age is 18 up there too, yes? Biccy: With me and Shannyn. Biccy: Haha, yeahhhhh Me: I'll be 18... Me: I can get you girls drinks. :P Me: I only drink Scotch and Coke. Biccy: Smooth. Biccy: As if we couldn't manage on our own. Biccy: :P Me: :P Me: Oh you totally need me. Biccy: Only Scotch ad Coke? Me: :P Biccy: Meh, lots of my mates are 18. Me: It's the only decent thing I enjoy, except for Alcopops. :\ Biccy: I got REALLY smashed on Scotch and Coke at my mates 18th back in February. Me: :P Biccy: Something like, at least a half a bottle of Scotch on my own. Biccy: Really good quality stuff too. Me: Ooh... Me: I could totally do that. Biccy: </D Me: Just as long as there's plenty of water, so the hangover isn't too bad. Biccy: Is that a challenge? Me: Surely sounds like it. Biccy: Bahaha Biccy: Nah, you drink HEAPS of water during the day Biccy: And then the next day Me: :P Biccy: Not while you're drinking. Biccy: Ah, dehydration. Biccy: What fun. Me: Yeah. Me: :P Biccy: Well. Biccy: If you're up here, I will TAKE YOU DOWN. Me: It's on. Biccy: You will get owned by a 16 year old girl! Biccy: BRING IT BEN! Me: I'd like to see you try! Me: RAWR! Biccy: I WILL PWN YOU! Me: BRING IT, BITCH! Biccy: I have yet to actually reach the extent where I can't remember my night. Biccy: TAKE DOWN BEN! Biccy: WHAT NOWWWWW?!

Why do I get the feeling I'm screwed...? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

-----

Erebus Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

My insanity will drive her away

My insanity will drive her away.

 It already has once. The Monday-itis has transformed into early week-itis. Weak-itis. That pretty much sums me up. Weak. Weak willed. Unequipped to cope with reality as it is.
So instead, I ask myself questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? All very basic questions, that almost every human being has asked themselves at one point in their lives. Only my answers are more daunting. Who am I? I am who I am. I cannot change that. No matter who I want to be or want to see myself as, I am not that person. I may never be that person.
Why am I here? The same reason as every other human being on the planet. Procreation. It is the only reason any living thing is here. To assure the continuation of its species. Why are humans so different? We aren't. We are not special. We are animals. It is all we are. And no matter how hard we try, we will never be anything more.
Why am I doing this? Because it is who I am. It is the insanity, the paranoia, the neurotic-ism and the pain. The fun, the happiness and sadness, the likes and dislikes. Everything that makes me me, is the reason I am doing this. It is undoubtedly the most worth while thing I have ever chased after, I have ever waited for in my life.
I need a break. A day, a week, a year. Ha! Not even a year is long enough to deal with escaping from what's in my head. The gap year next year will serve only as a reminder that I am alone. As my friends go off to college or university, they'll forget. Some of them already are forgetting me. As they make plans, they don't invite me. They move on, forgetting who I was. Forgetting who I am. Leaving me in the dust of their lives as I sit here wondering where exactly I went wrong. I'll never find out, of course. Not only am I paranoid, neurotic and completely insane, I'm also extremely self-centered. It's not that I'm perfect. It's that I am the cause and solution to all problems.
If someone has a problem, I talk to them about it. I want to help. I need to help. I can do nothing but help. I offer advice, and it usually works out for them. But occasionally I see myself as the cause of their problems. Even when I am not.
That is what drove her away the first time. And my greatest fear is that it will drive her away again. I've coped well so far, or so I like to think. Much better than last time. But I still struggle.
I long to be with her. To hold her. To smell her. To love her. To be in her presence. To feel her warm skin in my hands. To know she was there for me, and I there for her. To hear her voice. To smell her hair. To do the things I cannot do while I am so far away.
And yet here I am. Wishing to be with her. Planning our first meeting. Our first date. Our first dance and our first kiss. Our first everything together. And each week the insanity riles up from inside and forces its way out in whatever way it can. And the result is this. Exactly what it wants. My misery. My loss of hope. My preparation for the end of what could - would be something so crazily fantastic that the world would stop and stare at how perfect we are for each other. But my insanity forces me to prepare for the inevitable. The heart-wrenching, bone-crushing, mind-numbing speech that begins "It's not you. It's me.". This is what my insanity prepares me for each and every day, in it's own little way.
But it's more than that. It doesn't just prepare me for it. It attempts to cause it. The insanity that brings the paranoia and the neurotic-ism and pain and the suffering. The insanity that causes me to doubt my ability to do anything and forces me into a corner of my mind as monsters take over and do what they can to destroy who I am. A day long siege against who I am, each week. And each week they fail. Causing them to return the next week, one monster less, and yet stronger than before. It is this insanity that drives people away and it is this insanity that will make me alone for the rest of my life. That will cause me to hurt everyone I hold dear, targeting those I hold dearest.
And I fear that this is not the end. It is only the beginning.
-------
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

 Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906

 www.haileybury.vic.edu.au

 Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Sexual comeback of the year.

Watching 30 seconds:

"You know, I had a little thing going with her."
"Yeah, I know. I had a little thing going with her as well."
"By little thing, I mean I fucked her eyeballs out."
"I fucked her eyeballs out, and the fucked them right back in again."

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I really am crazy.

Not insane. Not legally insane. Not sitting in a big fluffy room, waiting for the net set of pills. I over-react, I read too much into things. Even if it's just a single word out of place. I read into it. And I drive myself completely insane.

But only because I'm already crazy. I am crazy for her. She drives me crazy.

I don't regret it. I don't regret anything I do with her.

I just wish it could happen sooner.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Am I crazy for doing this?

Is it really the sane thing to do? But then, what is sane?

I'm sure sanity isn't nearly this confusing. Or painful. Or scary.

But at times, it's worth it.

Just wish I head better gear for it. I go down way too fast. Stupid Deeps.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Small realisation.

Granted it's that depressive time of the week. But I suddenly feel like an egotistical shit.

It's like I'm the only thing that matters. But I'm not. I care about her and make an effort for her, but even then, it all comes back to me.

She can be gone for 15 minutes, and I won't notice. As long as I get to talk.

I hate that.

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I'm so out of it.

And with good reason. Last night I stayed awake until 2:30 with the smartest, funniest, cutest, incrediblest, talentest (no c-c-c-combo breaker!) woman I know. It was totally worth it.

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So today, as my day off, I told this woman we'd ride motorbikes. E-motorbikes of course. I woke up, and the first thing I did was get on my e-motorbike, only to crash it almost instantly. And I quote: *does a standstill wheelie, accidentally lets go of the brake, slips off bike, which flies into a tree*. And being the super careful guy that I am, I didn't get e-motorbike insurance, because I promised myself I wouldn't crash it. Whoops. It was an anckldent I swares!

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Now I just wait for her return from sleeping or whatever it is she's doing. Worth it.

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I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

So many things that don't go wrong. So many things go right. But I still see problems. I still see issues. I still see things I hjave to fix. But I can't because there's nothing to fix. There's nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to pretend that everything's perfectly fine, and I'm normal. But I'm far from normal. I'm obsessed. I'm terrified. I'm not scared of anything more. It's the most terrifying thing I can consider. So then why does every little thing she do freak me out? Because I'm an idiot.

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She drew me a picture.

It's a fairy/elf/mermaid I asked her to do. She wanted a suggestion, and I gave it to her.

She drew me an incredible picture. So why is it so hard for me to accept this and be happy? She's said things that give me hope. 6 months. That's all I have to wait. It seems like such a small period of time in comparison to everything else. For example, Andrew Mulligan died just over 6 months ago, and yet the years gone so fast that it feels like yesterday we were told. It was just yesterday that trial exams were still 3 months off. It was just yesterday I was starting year 12, and had no worry of any of this. But so much can change in such a short amount of time.

We have an incredible connection. I know this. She knows this. What she said she'd do to me today... It wasn't sexual. I was feeling sick, so she would have given me a hug. I felt like I was going to vomit, so she would have given me a hug from behind. I would have held her hands closer to my body, feeling the warmth radiating from her skin. As i held her hands, she would have nuzzled my neck from my behind. It was here where I would have collapsed. She was not here, and she may never be here, but I want her to be. I want her to be here more than anything in the world. Even that computerized *necknuzzle* was enough to send waves of pleasure so violently through my body that I couldn't control myself. It was so perfect. So right. So intense that if it weren't for the fact that I were lying down, I really would have collapsed. I melt when she *snuggle*'s me. She is my kryptonite. She drives me crazy. Not because she does so many things wrong. She drives me crazy because she does everything right. I can't stand to be away from her. It is the most tormenting feeling in the world. It tears me apart. 6 months.

I want to say it may not be 6 months. I wish I could say it will be less than 6 months. I want to say I can fly up there straight after exams and be with her and that will be it. But it's not and it won't. Even if I do fly up there before 6 months, will she be ready? I'm not going to force her into something she doesn't want to be in, and spending any time with her is time and money [b]very[/b] well spent. But it's hard to imagine going up, being with her, and not being allowed to do anything romantic. 6 months. That's all it is. I just concentrate on other things and I should be fine.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Life is confusing.

It's hard to say.

I guess I don't want to go back there. but I'm already there. So there's not really any where to go back to.

Love sucks sometimes.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Hello, again.

So I guess it's time to blog again.

I'm sick, once again. Just a head cold this time. Not enough to get me out of school (trial exams any way), but enough to make me feel horrible.

Enough so, that the last thing I want to do is stand there, taking a "nice" family photo hearing mum tell me to "smile" when I already am. And it wasn't a generic, telling every one to smile type of "smile". It was a "Ben, smile." I am! That's how I fucking smile! I'm not standing there pouting, or glaring. I'm fucking smiling! And if I hear someone telling me to "toughen up, princess", I will break their fucking nose. I almost gave dad an early father's day present for it. It's either a nice photo of his 3 children, or an eldest son with a broken nose. That phrase shits me up the wall, and I'm sure that by the time my life is over, I will have killed someone over it. Every body has their trigger. For some people it's being called "chicken". For some people it's being called a "wimp". That's mine.

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Ugh. I feel horrible. I'm gonna go play WoW for a while.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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