Last night, I discovered that Shannyn's mother died of Stomach Cancer on hte morning of the 27th of August 2009.
I know she will be missed.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Citizen Kane SAC
I thought I did really well, even though I had much more of an answer to go. if I could write faster, I'm sure I could have easily gotten 5 pages. ------- To celebrate my victory over Kane, I decided to watch The Lion King, yet again. Leading to my over analysis of this movie as well. When Simba is explaining to Scar that he will one day rule "everything the light touches", Scar sits in the shadows.
Dammit, Miss Gordon!
There's also when Simba steps into Mufasa's footprint, and the foot size is massive. Simba has "big 'shoes' to fill". ------- On a lighter note, still to do with the Lion King, I disovered how to convert an .avi movie to .mp4 for my iPod. Starting with the Lion King. It all comes down to playing it with Quicktime, under the file menu, click export then select where you want to export it. I can't wait to watch this on my iPod. ------- On a sad note, I went to get a coke today. I typed in 35. It read it as 53. I got a powerade instead. Dammit. All good though, since I enjoy powerade. Just not as much as Vanilla Coke. Ah well. -------- I love the songs from the Lion King as well. Awesome. ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Dammit, Miss Gordon!
There's also when Simba steps into Mufasa's footprint, and the foot size is massive. Simba has "big 'shoes' to fill". ------- On a lighter note, still to do with the Lion King, I disovered how to convert an .avi movie to .mp4 for my iPod. Starting with the Lion King. It all comes down to playing it with Quicktime, under the file menu, click export then select where you want to export it. I can't wait to watch this on my iPod. ------- On a sad note, I went to get a coke today. I typed in 35. It read it as 53. I got a powerade instead. Dammit. All good though, since I enjoy powerade. Just not as much as Vanilla Coke. Ah well. -------- I love the songs from the Lion King as well. Awesome. ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
The Lion King downloaded.
It's totally awesome and works with sound and everything. Only problem is, I can't watch it without annoying basically everyone else in the library, leading to a more than likely expulsion from said library.
I would be watching it now, but my headphones, along with my iPod and phone, are all at home. And Linh's watching a pirated copy of the latest Harry Potter film, so I can't borrow hers.
And of course every time I talk I get yelled at for interrupting her movie. -------
English SAC on Kane later.
I'm going to fail so hard.
Possibly because suddenly, I'm so damn tired. Fucked.
------- In related SAC news, I got my equation working, and then shortened it with over all intelligence by yours truly. *beams* ------- I want to watch my Lion King. *pouts* ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I would be watching it now, but my headphones, along with my iPod and phone, are all at home. And Linh's watching a pirated copy of the latest Harry Potter film, so I can't borrow hers.
And of course every time I talk I get yelled at for interrupting her movie. -------
English SAC on Kane later.
I'm going to fail so hard.
Possibly because suddenly, I'm so damn tired. Fucked.
------- In related SAC news, I got my equation working, and then shortened it with over all intelligence by yours truly. *beams* ------- I want to watch my Lion King. *pouts* ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Lion King
The greatest movie of my childhood? Most definitely. It confronts most of the things that shaped me as a person. For example...
Don't trust people that laugh too much, or have black hair. Hakuna Mutata. No worries. I never used to worry. About anything. I guess all I needed was a refresher course.
I haven't seen this movie in ages... It's brilliant.
I do so love this movie. I just need to watch this more often. Like when I was 5. Good times. Great times. I miss those times.
The times of innocence and... not getting sex jokes and... Fuck it. I'd rather be 17, watching this movie like when I was 5.
That works for me.
Time to enjoy my movie more.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A whale is fine too.
I should have used this when I was doing math...
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On a completely different note... Get Smart is hilarious. I was gonna say a bunch of stuff but I'm sick. Although "Laughter is the best medicine" reminds me of another quote... "Dad always said laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why most of the family died of tuberculosis."
I guess it's good my family hasn't got tuberculosis. That would be hard to explain.
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And now, a good use for a Mac.
kitten vs. frontrow from mattcoats on Vimeo.
I'm watching Law and order: UK. It's not bad, but it's new. We're still getting to know the characters and everything. After this, I'm going to bed. I need more sleep, even though I only got up at 11, and slept through most of the day.
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Being sick sucks. I guess it could always be worse though.
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Pursue the Darkness
Monday, August 17, 2009
What is it about Mondays?
It's not like Monday is a terribly horrific day, right? It's just another day, with the same schedule as every other Monday. So why is it that the smallest, most insignificant thing can set me off on a spiral. Why is it that I get depressed over nothing? I read an FML, and it sends me off. I do something subconsciously, and begin berating myself for it.
I have a chance at being happy. Every week I take that chance to get through and dash it. Why? I don't know. I don't know at all.
Sometime I do so well. With help, I can completely avoid it all together. Then I crash. Hard. So hard where it seems as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever. I don't even know any more. I just want it to end. The pain. The want.
Want for what? What do I want? I don't know. I just... I don't know. God, I thought I was past this. I thought I knew what I wanted. But it comes back. Different. It changes each time. Shapeshifting, almost. It's almost like there's no end. I don't know. I can't explain it.
I don't know any more. I just... don't know.
CSI: MIAMI
I'm not usually one to watch CSI: MIAMI, except for the one line comment from Hiratio at the start of every episode. This episode was different...
"I'm your only suspect" - YEEEEEEAAAH!
I can tell I'm going to enjoy this episode.
It's been a good night. Internet goes down, I snack even though I'm not greatly hungry (because "Food is love"), I watch Bones, good episode, I watch the next Bones (Burial alive is always a good start to a crime show, especially when it's the main characters who are buried alive), and now this.
News break while waiting for CSI: MIAMI to return raised a particular question. "Mattress Dominoes"...? What the fuck is that, and where do I sign up?
A few things about the past few days...
My blogger page: I have been working on a javascript ticker. For those of you that view my blogger (erebus-sgtreaper.blogspot.com for those of you that don't), it obviously doesn't work. If any readers know how it might work, please leave a comment on one that does work with Blogger. I have tried some, but unless you have the specific coding for one that you know works for blogger, don't bother.
Last night, my cousins came over, and I decided to show them some photoshop skill, because they both use photoshop, but I use it differently. So, I showed them how I do it, and right as it was starting to fall together perfectly, Photoshop stopped working the way I need it to. The "Wind" filter takes away from the image, rather than adding to it.
Never mind, just got it working. Let me know what you think.
Basically, all the remains now, is to get the ticker working. If anybody that reads this knows how, please let me know. Or at least link to a site or blogspot page that has a working one.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I thought I was fine.
I spoke to Shannyn today. I was fine. Right up until I started to get down. She helped me up. I owe her thanks for that.
But then, a few hours after she's left, I go down again. Unfortunate. I don't know why I get down.
There's no logical thought process behind it. It just is.
And sometimes it seems like there's no way to stop it.
I'm not sure. As you can see I've stopped posting lyrics and songs. I haven't found any good ones. If you have suggestions, put them in a comment.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Inspiration of /b/
Ah, what fun.
Instructions:
1) Start a conversation on omegle
2) ASK THEM HOW TO TURN CAPS LOCK OFF
3) Post result ITT
????
4) PROFIT!!!!!
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Results:
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Not sure if it will work. Lets find out. Together.
Bound to Happen.
Here I am. Back down again. I love it when a plan comes together.I managed to stay up for Sunday and Monday. Monday I met Rickie. That probably helped. But now she's on holiday until Saturday. I hope she has fun. More fun than I'm currently having, any way.
I don't know what it is. It just happened. Last night I started to get down, so I went to sleep. This morning I woke up fine. I wasn't overly happy, but I never am in the morning. I was just tired, as always. Then on the bus, just before Linh got on, I started on the downward slope. I survived through IT and thought I was starting to go up again. Then, halfway through my Period 3 spare...
And here I am. End of Period 3. Depressed, so I can write more to those who bother wasting their time reading about the problems of a depressed 17 year old, in most cases, they don't know and can't do anything to help. Even for those of you that do know me. What can you do to help? Not much, in most cases.
I don't even know why I'm down. I just am. And it feels like there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I hate when I get like this. It's not like I do it on purpose. It just happens. Last night it was triggered by something Linh sent me. I don't blame her. It was subconscious until I thought hard about it and remembered. But this one... It has no subconscious thought that it has pulled up and used against me.
I guess I could just be tired. I've fallen alseep in Revolutions for a few minutes at a time, attempting to keep up. It's just going over everything we went through yesterday for the people that missed it. I didn't miss anything.
But if it was because I was tired, why did it kick in when I felt most awake? I'm not sure any more. Always nice to know a good cake and some messing around with Linh can cheer me up. Sometimes it's hard to understand why I get down. Other times it's hard to tell if I've made any progress at all. It's just so confusing.
Hmm...
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Confused.
I'm confused. now I'm going to go do my 700 word Citizen Kane essay.
Sorry I didn't post yesterday.
Lyrics and songs to make up for it after my essay.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Monday, August 10, 2009
Not so innocent thoughts.
I love how not so innocent thoughts can slip into my mind and begin the downward spiral into my depression. I'd normally have no problem dismissing these thoughts, but sometimes I can't because of the message they bring. This time it was shattering.
How do I just dismiss a thought that takes my greatest weakness and uses it against me? Not just my greatest weakness, though. My greatest weakness and something I've always hated about my self. It takes those things and makes it my greatest fear.
What I've always hated is the threat of my brother with girls I like. It's always been the case that girls I have liked, have liked me back. The first girl I asked on a date wasn't someone I felt deeply about, but she was the first girl I ever had a s a friend. She agreed to a date. She blew me off. Stood me up. Didn't show. I sat through the entire movie alone, hoping she'd show, because she said she would. She didn't. She lied to me.
If that wasn't bad enough, she later met my brother. Who then asked her on a date. She agreed. She showed. She liked him better than me. It wasn't just that he had taken a potential girlfriend from me. He had taken a friend. Since then, rather than hang out with me, she'd hang out with my brother. She completely forgot about me from then on, and I haven't really seen her since.
I don't blame her. I'm not a great catch. The only girl who gave me more chance than my brother, is my best friend.
Again, these not-so innocent thoughts, took these insecurities and created my greatest fear.
What if I finally met the girl of my dreams... The one I was meant to be with forever... And even worse... What if she liked my brother more?
That's not my greatest fear. Before this, my greatest fear was that I'd never meet Shannyn. Never be with Shannyn. Never have another chance with her. She was (and still is) my greatest weakness. My greatest fear now is (in the extraordinary off chance) what if she meets my family. What if she meets my family, and likes my brother better? What if she likes my brother better? How will I cope if I met Matt's new girlfriend, and it was the girl of my dreams? I don't know what I'd do.
I'm struggling to get over her enough as it is. I can't handle this, and these thoughts are not helping at all.
I know this is just going to cause problems. I know I can't dwell on it. But between this thought, and the fear of losing my best friend, I've never been more terrified of anything in my life.
I don't blame her for not wanting to be with me. Both in real life and in my dream. I'm so insecure. My insecurities drove her away. My insecurities will continue to push her away. My insecurities will push every one away. Every one I ever have a chance with. Every one I will ever fall in love with. My insecurities will drive them away, exactly like they drove Shannyn away, and I will end up alone. There's not much I can do to avoid it. Unless I settle.
I know it would be a huge mistake. possibly the biggest of my life. But when confronted with the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, or being with someone who loved me, but I didn't love as much back... I'd settle. I can't believe I'm honestly saying that, but I would settle if I had to.
I know I won't settle. I'll never find any one who loves me enough to let me settle. If I do settle, it will be with my best friend, because of our marriage pact. "If both of us is single when we get to 30, we'll marry each other". If we both make it to 30. Now I'm not so sure I'll make it to 30. It seems like I'm losing touch more and more every day. I'm beginning to think that settling would be a better and better option, and I should take it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. If the opportunity presents itself.
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I guess now's as good a time as any to do the lyrics.
Another Round - Foo Fighters
I do apologise to my Posterous viewers who are spammed with songs, and probably receive ear cancer on account of Posterous having no "autostart= "false"" command.
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I think I've said everything I possibly can to try and feel remotely less horrible. Not that it has worked at all. But it was worth a shot.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Here we go again...
I understand that eating and drinking bad food and drinks is not good for me. So when I say "But it's delicious..." Don't turn around and say "It's not healthy". I never said it was healthy... I said it was delicious! There is a big difference. I know it's not healthy. That doesn't mean it tastes bad. Yes, there is healthy food that tastes good. But there is also unhealthy food that tastes good. Why can't people accept that?
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On a completely different subject. Am I losing touch? I realise my internet goes to shit every 15 minutes, or less, at the worst possible times, but even then... Am I losing touch? We're great friends IRL, when we can mess around and attack each other with pens and what not, but on the internet... It seems like we have nothing to talk about. She'll find a random news story or a cute picture and that's what we talk about. If it's not that then it's about all the problems we both have.
I don't know any more. I'd prefer we had something to talk about other than our problems or random news stories and how cute random animal pictures are. Sure we can talk about random shit for a little while, but it dies out fairly quickly.
Oh, I know she loves me. But sometimes it's hard to
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And then there's Shannyn. I can't talk to her because she doesn't want to, I think. I don't know. I send her a message on LW and she doesn't reply. Oh, I know Linh will berate me for it, but I don't care.
It just seems like I'm losing touch with everybody. I'm losing everything. I'm losing hope. I'm losing everything.
It seems like there's a battle in my head and I'm losing. With every attack, the monsters in my head get stronger. I get weaker.
I watch TV. I live out my life. I do what needs to be done. But I don't feel it. I'm not motivated. I just don't.
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I'm struggling. I need help. I don't know that I can get through this. I've pulled myself out before, but it gets harder and harder every time. I know I can't do this alone. I've always relied on my best friend to help. But she can't help over the internet. I see the school shrink every week. Sometimes more than once, every week. I'm meant to be going to an outside school shrink, but every time I tell my Mum to make an appointment, she makes an excuse. "I've been too busy this week", "I called the school shrink to get a recommendation on who you should see", "You seem so happy" - That's how depression works.
I can't call for an appointment myself, because:
1) I don't have the number
2) I'd have no way of getting there.
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I'm struggling to get through this. I don't know that I can do this much longer.
I won't do anything to stop myself. I know that much. But I think I'd feel much better off just giving up and fading into the back ground.
Dedicated (Demo 1999) - Linkin Park
Although the verses have very little relevance, the chorus is mostly relevant to me.
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I'm not sure what I'm doing any more. I need help that I'm not getting, and I don't know that I can handle it. I can put on a happy face and pretend it's alright, but it's not true.
Everyone expects me to be happy, because I'm "so lucky with my loving family, and friends", but I don't feel lucky.
I don't know what I'm doing any more. I need help.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Well, here we go.
I'm back down again, but nearly as far, thanks to Linh. Great fun on the bus. Anyone watching us would assume we were high. Wouldn't have surprised me if we were.
*confronts Linh* - Did you spike my whatever I had before getting on the bus that made me high?
Ahh, doesn't matter. It was great fun.
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Unfortunately, I noticed that I hadn't posted lyrics for the past 3 days (!). We can't have that now, can we?
I'd also like to dedicate these next few songs to people in my life. Just to cheer them up when they feel down.
There will be 3 songs tonight, in order to make up for the lost songs, and as a bonus, the songs will be included. Aren't you lucky.
The following two songs are dedicated to Linh. To cheer her up and make her feel better, and also to let her know that I care.
Please keep in mind this is my first attempt at adding music, so if it doesn't work, don't hate me.
Cheer Up - Reel Big Fish
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Good Thing - Reel Big Fish
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The next song is a recognition of my acceptance. Who I am. Who I was. All before I met Linh. Thank you, Linh.
Dateless Losers - Reel big Fish
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The only thing I can really say is: Why can't life be simple?
Like back in the good old days when I had nothing to worry about except keeping the girl of my dreams happy, right before I fucked that up.
That would be nice.
I guess it's almost time for bed.
Almost 12:30. I'm tired, confused, and I just want everything to make sense again. That would be so very nice.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Friday, August 7, 2009
The slow realisation
Yes, another realisation. This time it's different, though. I guess I knew she and I wouldn't work out. We're perfect for each other. But that doesn't mean we'll work out. I knew it because I was too insecure. Too neurotic. Too paranoid. I did almost everything wrong. So while I may love her, I knew we wouldn't work out. Not purely because I did everything wrong. It's not only that. It was also the fact that she was so far away. There was very little chance of us meeting up. There still is very little chance of us meeting up.
I do want to meet her. Just to see if there's a spark when we meet for the first time. If there's anything when we meet for the first time. But I know that if I was given the chance to take the initiative and meet her... I wouldn't. Not because I don't. I know I do. But because I'd be too scared to have to face the fact that maybe she won't feel anything. That maybe I was that bad. It's not that that was my realisation. I've known that for a while. My realisation is an acceptance that I have no chance with her. She could have any guy in the world. Why would she choose me? She wouldn't. She'd pick someone better than me. The buff, attractive, strong, intelligent guy. The guy that is everything I am not.
I'm not stupid. But I'm not fantastically smart, either. I'm not attractive. Girls don't look at me and instantly think how cute I am. I'm not strong. I'm far from strong. Both physically and mentally. I can punch someone as hard as I can and it won't hurt them. I can barely keep myself together. I'm falling apart, little by little everyday. I'm not trying to play the sympathy card. I don't deserve sympathy. I just want to tell the truth. I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me. There are people a lot worse than me, including my best friend, and they'd deserve it more than me. I just want to let this all out. let it all go. Then, maybe, I can find someone who I'll love this much who wants to be with me. I've snapped once. I've come close. But never close enough.
I never want to come close enough. I guess I was a lot like a theist in this sense. Knowing it wasn't real, but every time I was forced to confront it, I'd just put my hands over my ears and start yelling "It's not true! You're lying!" Hoping that this would eventually suppressing the voice of doubt in my mind. But it wasn't enough. It was always there. Always nagging away at me. As much as I love her. It will never be. Not now. Not ever. And that's the hardest thing to deal with. ----- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I do want to meet her. Just to see if there's a spark when we meet for the first time. If there's anything when we meet for the first time. But I know that if I was given the chance to take the initiative and meet her... I wouldn't. Not because I don't. I know I do. But because I'd be too scared to have to face the fact that maybe she won't feel anything. That maybe I was that bad. It's not that that was my realisation. I've known that for a while. My realisation is an acceptance that I have no chance with her. She could have any guy in the world. Why would she choose me? She wouldn't. She'd pick someone better than me. The buff, attractive, strong, intelligent guy. The guy that is everything I am not.
I'm not stupid. But I'm not fantastically smart, either. I'm not attractive. Girls don't look at me and instantly think how cute I am. I'm not strong. I'm far from strong. Both physically and mentally. I can punch someone as hard as I can and it won't hurt them. I can barely keep myself together. I'm falling apart, little by little everyday. I'm not trying to play the sympathy card. I don't deserve sympathy. I just want to tell the truth. I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me. There are people a lot worse than me, including my best friend, and they'd deserve it more than me. I just want to let this all out. let it all go. Then, maybe, I can find someone who I'll love this much who wants to be with me. I've snapped once. I've come close. But never close enough.
I never want to come close enough. I guess I was a lot like a theist in this sense. Knowing it wasn't real, but every time I was forced to confront it, I'd just put my hands over my ears and start yelling "It's not true! You're lying!" Hoping that this would eventually suppressing the voice of doubt in my mind. But it wasn't enough. It was always there. Always nagging away at me. As much as I love her. It will never be. Not now. Not ever. And that's the hardest thing to deal with. ----- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Thursday, August 6, 2009
English SAC
Wow. I'm not even sure I did it correctly, but either way I did it.
I finished it fairly quickly (40 minutes instead of a full hour), then decided to have a shot at the second one. I need to do fairly well in it, and continue to do fairly well in English so I can get into the course I want to do. All it requires is an SA in English Unit 4. I'm not scared right now, but I probably should be. It's Shannyn's decision, and I let her know if she really wanted to, I would do it. I would ask the question for her. I would do anything for her. But I'm preparing myself for the slow, eventual "No" in reply to her letting it happen with me. I know why she'd say "No". To be honest, I can't really see why she'd say "Yes". She has her own stuff to deal with, and I have my own stuff to deal with. Plus there's the distance. One of us would have to move. I don't expect her to move down to where I am, for me. I can't expect to move up to where she is, for her. not that I don't want to. But that it will be a long time before I will be able to. At least 3 years, with GAP year, and hen 2 years of College or 3 years of Uni, it just gets all so... It can't be done soon enough. She doesn't have much time left with her mum. I just wish I could be there for her in that time. Not just as a friend in a different state, but actually there to hold her and comfort her, and reassure her that it would be okay. I can't do that from where I am. I wish I could be there for her. I'm so confused. Everything's moving so fast, there's no way I can stop it. I wouldn't expect to be able to stop it, but slow it down, at least. If I could slow it down I could deal with one thing at a time. Do one thing, get it out of the way, deal with another, get it out of the way. I hate it when it gets like this. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I've always gone with the flow of things. I've never had to fight for something I really, truly want. But now I do. And I will fight with every breath I have until the day I die. Let's hope that isn't soon. ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I finished it fairly quickly (40 minutes instead of a full hour), then decided to have a shot at the second one. I need to do fairly well in it, and continue to do fairly well in English so I can get into the course I want to do. All it requires is an SA in English Unit 4. I'm not scared right now, but I probably should be. It's Shannyn's decision, and I let her know if she really wanted to, I would do it. I would ask the question for her. I would do anything for her. But I'm preparing myself for the slow, eventual "No" in reply to her letting it happen with me. I know why she'd say "No". To be honest, I can't really see why she'd say "Yes". She has her own stuff to deal with, and I have my own stuff to deal with. Plus there's the distance. One of us would have to move. I don't expect her to move down to where I am, for me. I can't expect to move up to where she is, for her. not that I don't want to. But that it will be a long time before I will be able to. At least 3 years, with GAP year, and hen 2 years of College or 3 years of Uni, it just gets all so... It can't be done soon enough. She doesn't have much time left with her mum. I just wish I could be there for her in that time. Not just as a friend in a different state, but actually there to hold her and comfort her, and reassure her that it would be okay. I can't do that from where I am. I wish I could be there for her. I'm so confused. Everything's moving so fast, there's no way I can stop it. I wouldn't expect to be able to stop it, but slow it down, at least. If I could slow it down I could deal with one thing at a time. Do one thing, get it out of the way, deal with another, get it out of the way. I hate it when it gets like this. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I've always gone with the flow of things. I've never had to fight for something I really, truly want. But now I do. And I will fight with every breath I have until the day I die. Let's hope that isn't soon. ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The truth comes out.
I hate not knowing.
What's going to happen to me?
What's going to happen to Linh?
What's going to happen to my friends?
What's going to happen to Shannyn?
Christ, what's going to happen to Shannyn?
She only has two months left with her mum before the cancer finishes her off.
I'm just terrified for her.
I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
I'm absolutely terrified of not knowing what's going to happen, not only to me, but to my friends. I'm just so confused.
Will I ever be ready?
I do love her. With all my heart. All my soul. All my everything. I would give her the world. Tear down buildings. Rip out the core of the earth with my barehands, if I had to, just to prove my love for her. But I can't sit by and watch these things happen to her. I can't sit from a distance. I guess I have to be there for her, as much as I love her. I have to sit there and be her friend, doing my best not to add more pressure, and control my jealousy for the good of both our friendship, and my hope that one day she will come around and want to be with me.
I'm not going to hold onto that forever, though. I'm going to search for someone else as much as I can. She deserves the best. If she doesn't see me as the best, then I'd rather make an effort to be her friend and have a potential relationship at some point in the future than not trying at all. I guess we'll see. -------
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I'm not going to hold onto that forever, though. I'm going to search for someone else as much as I can. She deserves the best. If she doesn't see me as the best, then I'd rather make an effort to be her friend and have a potential relationship at some point in the future than not trying at all. I guess we'll see. -------
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Important realisation
How is it possible that it can come to this? I've now realised a very important fact. I fall in love with girls who are... somewhat out of my league. Not only that, but I fall in love with girls who are beautiful and intelligent enough to have any man they want. It's no wonder I won't be chosen. Not for a long time. I've found the woman of my dreams, whom I shall always love, but she needs me to be something else. I can only hold on to the hope that she will give me another chance when I get better. ----- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Pursue the Darkness
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Am I really that entertaining?
I mean honestly. 23 different people read my blog. What does it actually do for you?
I do hope to get some answers in the form of comments.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I really need to learn...
When to shut the fuck up.
I just don't seem to get it.
I'm an idiot.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I guess I never considered...
That things could just keep getting worse. That I could keep making things worse. I'm about as low as I can get without being suicidal.
I need help, but I can't ask anyone. I've seen the school psych twice today, and once yesterday. Its beginning to turn into my next blog thing, where I go see him about 5 times a day.
Is there no end to this misery?
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
God fucking dammit...
I thought I was ready. Far from it. I thought I could handle it. Far from it. I thought so much, but the pain comes back. Reminding me that she's not mine. That she'll never be mine. That I have no chance. That I never had a chance. It's getting worse. First it was the tongue-lashing I received from Linh. Not because I was upset at her. But because I feel like I make things worse for her. After getting over that, I became invisible. Almost as soon as I returned to normality, I became invisible. And that got me down. And finally, after talking to Adam... I'll never have a chance to be... anything. I'll never have a chance to be anything more than I am now. A depressed, invisible... nothing. I just want to lie down and cry. But I can't. I can't cry. I can't show emotion other than either happy, angry or depressed. ------- I can't do anything but sit here and poor my heart into mindless words that mean nothing to the people who read them. I'm nothing more than a faceless void who never feels happiness to you people. You sit there and accept that this is way I am. You don't care about me. Really care. You enjoy reading my blog for your entertainment, but if something serious happened, would you care? Would you try to stop it? I'm fairly sure I know the answer. -------
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I guess I didn't realise...
I've always been invisible. I've always been excluded. From groups of friends, parties, conversations. Even people. I've always been excluded. I've been so excluded that I've almost become invisible. I've become invisible to most people that would have considered me their friend at one point. I've become so invisible that people that have been my friends have forgotten about me. I've been so excluded that almost every friend I have now will be quickly and brutally forgotten.
It starts slowly at first, but by the end of it, I barely remember when I started to forget, because it all happened so fast.
But the one person I've always thought would remain there for me. The one person I've always thought would be there for me when I needed it. The one person I could always be there for, when they needed it. The one person, when at the end of it all. After everything we've been through together. I've always thought would be there. The one person I would never forget. The one person who would never forget me. I guess I didn't realise how invisible I was becoming. When that one person doesn't see me. Doesn't acknowledge me. Doesn't accept that I exist. It's funny. This is exactly what I was talking about in my other blog. How it would be better for this to happen. I guess I don't really believe what I think I do, half the time. I guess I don't know what to do any more. Even though I do. It's getting harder and harder to cope. I just went the confusion. The pain to end. Everything. Everything. Everything to end. Just make it stop. That would make it all so much easier. I guess I really don't know any more. ------- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
It's not her fault.
It's mine. It was always mine. It's always been mine. I try to care. I try to reassure. I try to be there. It only makes things worse. She's upset, so I try to make her feel better. It only makes her either more upset, or extremely pissed at me. There's nothing I can do to cheer her up. There's nothing I can do to make it better. And I hate myself for making it worse.
It's all I've ever done. It's all I ever do. It's all I'll ever do. I do nothing but make things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better off if she got away from me. If she stopped letting me destroy her the way I am. A constant reminder of what I do, every day. A constant reminder of what she could become. Happier. More successful. Better. But only away from me.
We both know that's not going to happen. As soon as it starts, I'll pull her back in. Slowly killing her. Or swiftly. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.
There's only two options for the escape. She has a chance to be free. It won't be long before she realises. But what then? I guess we can only wait to find out.
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There's only one thing I can do. I can't say "I don't know any more", because I do know. I know exactly what needs to happen. I need to pull myself out of this hole or suffer the consequences.
But how do you pull yourself out when there's no opening to pull yourself out through.
I'm compelled to remember a Criminal Minds episode:
Children were being sold as sex slaves over the internet. One of them was held in a room. No windows. No door. No vent. Nothing. No way in. No way out. The room was constructed around him.
Just like this hole was created around me. It was created around me, with no chance to escape. So I find others. Others that have been in this situation and have escaped. I want them to help me escape. but all I do is pull them back in with me.
Why? I don't know. I don't do it intentionally, but as she said last night: "Intentions are irrelevant if the outcome is the same".
The only questions that remain is: What is there left for me to do? What should I do now? What am I going to do now?
I guess I'll have to find out the answers as soon as possible. Before I make things worse.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Monday, August 3, 2009
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't fucking know any more. I never fucking know.
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I'm not worth it. I was never worth it. I'll never be worth it.
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I was doing so well today. Not any more.
I guess that's my Mondays for you.
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I'm starting to understand. Slowly. I'll explain it when I understand more.
Okay...?
It works on my blogger posts, but not posterous. Fucked up!
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http://erebus-sgtreaper.blogspot.com/ if you want to see it working.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Quick!
Do something important!
My first image upload. I guess It's time to add the lyrics before the clock ticks over...
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Now hopefully the border has worked, along with the image. Let's find out together, shall we?
I just tested it. It works, and I feel awesome.
Correction. Border didn't work. I feel fail. I'll try again later.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I don't really know what to say...
I never really know what to say. I can't stop thinking about her. I can go for days without thinking about her, but then something happens. Some small, otherwise insignificant event or thought and suddenly she's there. Like a ninja. I still love her. I'll always love her. How could I not? But she's not into guys like me. There was chemistry at the start, but I destroyed the entire concept of that. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. I didn't stop. And it was gone for her. And when I tried to create hope for myself, I just made it worse. Everything I've done has made it worse.
It's not that I'm scared of her now. It's not that. It's that I'm scared of myself when I'm around her. That I might, again, make things worse. And for that reason, I get terrified when I see her online on LW. I panic, and the pain comes back. The heartache. I'm not sure if she still reads this.
I want us to be friends. I want her in my life more than anything. But everything she's going through right now... I would do anything for her. I wold trade my life for her mothers if that's what she wanted or needed. I would do anything and everything to keep her happy. But I can't do this. I can't be just a friend, and I hate myself for it. I want to break down and cry because I feel so fucking useless. I can't do anything to make her feel better. I can't do anything to help. I can't do anything for her. I can't do anything.
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Today's lyrics are from a Linkin Park song I didn't know I had.
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I don't know what to do. I have to avoid her, because it's the only thing I can do, but I don't want to. It's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish she could give me a sign, but she's already done that. I wish I had a different sign that could make this all easier. I wish it were easier to let this pain go. To let her go. To accept that there's nothing I can do to help her. But that's not going to happen. The only thing I can try to do is move on.
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I should get back to writing the 3 900 word English essays I don't really understand. I guess I can put on some music or a half decent movie to take my mind off things.
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Erebus Pursue the Darkness
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