It comes back, crushing me under its weight.
I've always believed everything will be okay. Everything will work out. I'll meet the right girl. I'll be happy. We'll have kids and a nice house and everything will be perfect. So why is it so hard to believe that now? I know the answer. The same way I know that not everyone meets the right girl. Not everyone is happy. Not everyone has kids and a nice house. Not everyone has everything perfect. I know this to be true. People get old and die alone. People get divorced. People starve. People die young. Civilians die in war. There is no 'happily ever after'. Everybody has problems. But I wish there was. God I wish there was. Meet someone. Fall in love. Live together. Get married. Have kids. Die together. Die happy. But that doesn't happen. It never has. The world has never been like that. The world will never be like that. As much as we want it to be, and as much as we work for it to be, it just won't happen. Sure some people find their perfect match. Some people do live happily ever after.
The chances of it happening to me... Impossible to say. If it does happen, the chance of it happening soon... Even harder to say.
I just need to accept that I have very little going for me. Very little that will help me meet the right person. Even less that will help me not drive that person away. I just need to accept that I most likely will grow old and die, alone.
I guess they put it best on Scrubs. "You're born alone, and you damn sure die alone.". I just need to accept that and wait for my time to run out, no matter how long or painful it will get.
"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around." - Scrubs, again.
It just feels like there's no escape.
Once again, Scrubs tells the truth on how things work.
"Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
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So here we are again. The lyrics.
What's in the eye - Linkin Park
What's in the eye, can you tell me Watching the time pass me by There's so much locked up inside
Chorus:
Don't go too fast my friend Or you'll lose control Don't go to fast my friend Or you'll lose control What's in the eye that I cannot catch Is it me, I want to know Why it's so hard to let go
Chorus (x2)
What's in the eye? (x2)
Why?
The chorus and that particular line are good advice for me. I went too fast. I lost control. And now... It's hard to let go. I don't want to let go completely. I want to be friends. I want to be more than friends when we meet up IRL. But I'm not guaranteed for that to happen.
I don't even know any more. I know I say that a lot, but I don't. It's just all so disconcerting. There's no way to know. I guess I'll never know for sure. There's just so much.
The only way I can keep up with everything that goes on in my life right now, and probably for a long time to come, is to blog about it. All that does is focus my thoughts, one at a time until it's all out there, for the internet (and the very few people who care enough about me to read this) to see.
Everything just happens so fast. There is no way to control it.
I'm going to be home late everyday this week. I haven't done the three essays. I can't. I'm not motivated enough. I don't know what to write. Although starting with "I don't even know anymore" could lead it up to be a "creative" piece of work about relationship conflict.
Linh might be moving to America to be with Brian. They might be moving there on a permanent basis. And not coming back.
Fine. Just means I have even less to lose. Sure, we'll still be friends. But it won't be anything like it is now. We change on MSN. We can't have as much fun on MSN. We can't enjoy the moment as much on MSN. We can't talk like that on MSN.
Just another friend leaving my life? Far from it. I love her. She's my best friend. Half the time I'd be lost without her.
I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. She was always the one that I could rely on for anything.
She won't be leaving for a while. I'll just have to enjoy the time we get to spend together.
There's so much going on. There's so little I can do to take control. Sometimes it just feels like too much.
