Bound to Happen.

Here I am. Back down again. I love it when a plan comes together.I managed to stay up for Sunday and Monday. Monday I met Rickie. That probably helped. But now she's on holiday until Saturday. I hope she has fun. More fun than I'm currently having, any way.

I don't know what it is. It just happened. Last night I started to get down, so I went to sleep. This morning I woke up fine. I wasn't overly happy, but I never am in the morning. I was just tired, as always. Then on the bus, just before Linh got on, I started on the downward slope. I survived through IT and thought I was starting to go up again. Then, halfway through my Period 3 spare...

And here I am. End of Period 3. Depressed, so I can write more to those who bother wasting their time reading about the problems of a depressed 17 year old, in most cases, they don't know and can't do anything to help. Even for those of you that do know me. What can you do to help? Not much, in most cases.

I don't even know why I'm down. I just am. And it feels like there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I hate when I get like this. It's not like I do it on purpose. It just happens. Last night it was triggered by something Linh sent me. I don't blame her. It was subconscious until I thought hard about it and remembered. But this one... It has no subconscious thought that it has pulled up and used against me.

I guess I could just be tired. I've fallen alseep in Revolutions for a few minutes at a time, attempting to keep up. It's just going over everything we went through yesterday for the people that missed it. I didn't miss anything.

But if it was because I was tired, why did it kick in when I felt most awake? I'm not sure any more. Always nice to know a good cake and some messing around with Linh can cheer me up. Sometimes it's hard to understand why I get down. Other times it's hard to tell if I've made any progress at all. It's just so confusing.

Hmm...

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Confused.

I'm confused. now I'm going to go do my 700 word Citizen Kane essay.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

Lyrics and songs to make up for it after my essay.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Not so innocent thoughts.

I love how not so innocent thoughts can slip into my mind and begin the downward spiral into my depression. I'd normally have no problem dismissing these thoughts, but sometimes I can't because of the message they bring. This time it was shattering.
How do I just dismiss a thought that takes my greatest weakness and uses it against me? Not just my greatest weakness, though. My greatest weakness and something I've always hated about my self. It takes those things and makes it my greatest fear.
What I've always hated is the threat of my brother with girls I like. It's always been the case that girls I have liked, have liked me back. The first girl I asked on a date wasn't someone I felt deeply about, but she was the first girl I ever had a s a friend. She agreed to a date. She blew me off. Stood me up. Didn't show. I sat through the entire movie alone, hoping she'd show, because she said she would. She didn't. She lied to me.
If that wasn't bad enough, she later met my brother. Who then asked her on a date. She agreed. She showed. She liked him better than me. It wasn't just that he had taken a potential girlfriend from me. He had taken a friend. Since then, rather than hang out with me, she'd hang out with my brother. She completely forgot about me from then on, and I haven't really seen her since.
I don't blame her. I'm not a great catch. The only girl who gave me more chance than my brother, is my best friend.

Again, these not-so innocent thoughts, took these insecurities and created my greatest fear.
What if I finally met the girl of my dreams... The one I was meant to be with forever... And even worse... What if she liked my brother more?
That's not my greatest fear. Before this, my greatest fear was that I'd never meet Shannyn. Never be with Shannyn. Never have another chance with her. She was (and still is) my greatest weakness. My greatest fear now is (in the extraordinary off chance) what if she meets my family. What if she meets my family, and likes my brother better? What if she likes my brother better? How will I cope if I met Matt's new girlfriend, and it was the girl of my dreams? I don't know what I'd do.
I'm struggling to get over her enough as it is. I can't handle this, and these thoughts are not helping at all.
I know this is just going to cause problems. I know I can't dwell on it. But between this thought, and the fear of losing my best friend, I've never been more terrified of anything in my life.

I don't blame her for not wanting to be with me. Both in real life and in my dream. I'm so insecure. My insecurities drove her away. My insecurities will continue to push her away. My insecurities will push every one away. Every one I ever have a chance with. Every one I will ever fall in love with. My insecurities will drive them away, exactly like they drove Shannyn away, and I will end up alone. There's not much I can do to avoid it. Unless I settle.
I know it would be a huge mistake. possibly the biggest of my life. But when confronted with the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, or being with someone who loved me, but I didn't love as much back... I'd settle. I can't believe I'm honestly saying that, but I would settle if I had to.

I know I won't settle. I'll never find any one who loves me enough to let me settle. If I do settle, it will be with my best friend, because of our marriage pact. "If both of us is single when we get to 30, we'll marry each other". If we both make it to 30. Now I'm not so sure I'll make it to 30. It seems like I'm losing touch more and more every day. I'm beginning to think that settling would be a better and better option, and I should take it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. If the opportunity presents itself.

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I guess now's as good a time as any to do the lyrics.

Another Round - Foo Fighters

When she goes storming out
I run for cover
Rolling like thunder clouds
Hanging above her

Ring in the witching hour
Spells that I'm singing
Rain come and drown me out
Sinking deep alone

Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out
Lets go another round
I will follow you down and

We could just lay around
Stare at the ceiling
Want to forget about
One for the feeling

Room for photographs
Box full of letters
Come on make it last
Nothing else matters right now

Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out
Lets go another round
I will follow you down and out

Can you go another round?
I will follow you down and out
Lets go another round
I will follow you down and out

Lets go another round
I will bother you down and out
Lets go another round
I will follow you down and out

I do apologise to my Posterous viewers who are spammed with songs, and probably receive ear cancer on account of Posterous having no "autostart= "false"" command.

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I think I've said everything I possibly can to try and feel remotely less horrible. Not that it has worked at all. But it was worth a shot.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Here we go again...

I understand that eating and drinking bad food and drinks is not good for me. So when I say "But it's delicious..." Don't turn around and say "It's not healthy". I never said it was healthy... I said it was delicious! There is a big difference. I know it's not healthy. That doesn't mean it tastes bad. Yes, there is healthy food that tastes good. But there is also unhealthy food that tastes good. Why can't people accept that?

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On a completely different subject. Am I losing touch? I realise my internet goes to shit every 15 minutes, or less, at the worst possible times, but even then... Am I losing touch? We're great friends IRL, when we can mess around and attack each other with pens and what not, but on the internet... It seems like we have nothing to talk about. She'll find a random news story or a cute picture and that's what we talk about. If it's not that then it's about all the problems we both have.
I don't know any more. I'd prefer we had something to talk about other than our problems or random news stories and how cute random animal pictures are. Sure we can talk about random shit for a little while, but it dies out fairly quickly.
Oh, I know she loves me. But sometimes it's hard to

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And then there's Shannyn. I can't talk to her because she doesn't want to, I think. I don't know. I send her a message on LW and she doesn't reply. Oh, I know Linh will berate me for it, but I don't care.
It just seems like I'm losing touch with everybody. I'm losing everything. I'm losing hope. I'm losing everything.
It seems like there's a battle in my head and I'm losing. With every attack, the monsters in my head get stronger. I get weaker.
I watch TV. I live out my life. I do what needs to be done. But I don't feel it. I'm not motivated. I just don't.

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I'm struggling. I need help. I don't know that I can get through this. I've pulled myself out before, but it gets harder and harder every time. I know I can't do this alone. I've always relied on my best friend to help. But she can't help over the internet. I see the school shrink every week. Sometimes more than once, every week. I'm meant to be going to an outside school shrink, but every time I tell my Mum to make an appointment, she makes an excuse. "I've been too busy this week", "I called the school shrink to get a recommendation on who you should see", "You seem so happy" - That's how depression works.
I can't call for an appointment myself, because:
1) I don't have the number
2) I'd have no way of getting there.

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I'm struggling to get through this. I don't know that I can do this much longer.
I won't do anything to stop myself. I know that much. But I think I'd feel much better off just giving up and fading into the back ground.

Dedicated (Demo 1999) - Linkin Park

I have a dream of a scene between the green hills
Clouds pull away and the sunlight's revealed
People don't talk about keeping it real
It's understood that they actually will
And intoxicated and stimulated MC's
Staring in the trees, paranoid, are gone in the breeze
Watch them flee, hip-hop hits
Take a walk with me and what you'll see
Is a land where the sand is made up of crushed up wax
And the sky beyond you is krylon blue
And everybody speaks in a dialect of rhyme
And MC's have left materialism behind them
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

I've seen a lot of shit, I've talked to a bum
Out on sunset strip, he asked me How would you feel
If everybody acted like you didn't exist
You'd lose your grip, probably eventually flip.
So let it be known, the only reason that we do this
Is so you can pick it up and just bang your head to it
While MC's fight to see who can be the commonest
Be floatin overhead like a space odyssey monolith
Over seeing the game, over being part of the same ol' thing
It's all gonna change in a hurricane of darkness and pain
And acidic rain and promises that you won't do it again
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide
Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

This is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real, everybody who doesn't feel safe
What's real, everybody who knows they're out of place
What's real, anybody with nowhere to run
Who hides in the shadows waiting for the sun

 

Although the verses have very little relevance, the chorus is mostly relevant to me.

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I'm not sure what I'm doing any more. I need help that I'm not getting, and I don't know that I can handle it. I can put on a happy face and pretend it's alright, but it's not true.

Everyone expects me to be happy, because I'm "so lucky with my loving family, and friends", but I don't feel lucky.
I don't know what I'm doing any more. I need help.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Well, here we go.

I'm back down again, but nearly as far, thanks to Linh. Great fun on the bus. Anyone watching us would assume we were high. Wouldn't have surprised me if we were.
*confronts Linh* - Did you spike my whatever I had before getting on the bus that made me high?

Ahh, doesn't matter. It was great fun.

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Unfortunately, I noticed that I hadn't posted lyrics for the past 3 days (!). We can't have that now, can we?
I'd also like to dedicate these next few songs to people in my life. Just to cheer them up when they feel down.

There will be 3 songs tonight, in order to make up for the lost songs, and as a bonus, the songs will be included. Aren't you lucky.

The following two songs are dedicated to Linh. To cheer her up and make her feel better, and also to let her know that I care.

Please keep in mind this is my first attempt at adding music, so if it doesn't work, don't hate me.

Cheer Up - Reel Big Fish

You say you're down you can’t lose that frown
Life sucks. What else is new? That’s tough.
There's not much you can do-
You're not the only one not havin’ any fun

I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through
I've been depressed and I get so stressed
Life sucks. I don't wonder why. That's tough.
I just keep on tryin’, so I won’t be the one not havin’ any fun

I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through
I'm not givin’ up yet that's not the end of me
But it's not gonna be all right you'll see, you’ll see!
I've got a funny feelin’ we’re all born to lose
And I've got a funny feelin’ that this life ain’t worth livin’ through

Cheer Up!

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Good Thing - Reel Big Fish

I never felt too good but in this world who would
I was always thinkin’ somethin’ wasn't right
But then you came along and helped me sing a song and now I feel ok I hope it can stay- this way

You know we've got a good thing goin' and I don't wanna see it end
You know we've got a good thing goin' and I don't wanna see it end
Are these the good days that I've heard so much about-
There goes the heartbreak that I can live without
I've been so frustrated, bitter, mean, and jaded
I've taken for granted all the things I've got
But now that you are here this anger disappears
and I feel happy too this is sappy but it's true

You know we've got a good thing goin' and I don't wanna see it end
You know we've got a good thing goin' and I don't wanna see it end
Are these the good days that I've heard so much about there goes the heartbreak
That I can live without

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The next song is a recognition of my acceptance. Who I am. Who I was. All before I met Linh. Thank you, Linh.

Dateless Losers - Reel big Fish

We are all on our own with no one by our side
You are so lucky, beautiful and bright
All the cool kids go steady they're making out at 12-
We sit in our rooms alone
By ourselves it's Friday- no phone call, nobody asked us out

We are the dateless losers- lonely until we die!
So unappreciated, why, why, why, why?

We’re not so bad you know, but you won’t give us a chance
Take us to the movies, to dinner, or to dance
Not perfect, not too hip- but we need lovin’ too

We are the dateless losers- lonely until we die!
So unappreciated why, why, why, why?

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The only thing I can really say is: Why can't life be simple?
Like back in the good old days when I had nothing to worry about except keeping the girl of my dreams happy, right before I fucked that up.
That would be nice.

I guess it's almost time for bed.
Almost 12:30. I'm tired, confused, and I just want everything to make sense again. That would be so very nice.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness