I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

So many things that don't go wrong. So many things go right. But I still see problems. I still see issues. I still see things I hjave to fix. But I can't because there's nothing to fix. There's nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to pretend that everything's perfectly fine, and I'm normal. But I'm far from normal. I'm obsessed. I'm terrified. I'm not scared of anything more. It's the most terrifying thing I can consider. So then why does every little thing she do freak me out? Because I'm an idiot.

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She drew me a picture.

It's a fairy/elf/mermaid I asked her to do. She wanted a suggestion, and I gave it to her.

She drew me an incredible picture. So why is it so hard for me to accept this and be happy? She's said things that give me hope. 6 months. That's all I have to wait. It seems like such a small period of time in comparison to everything else. For example, Andrew Mulligan died just over 6 months ago, and yet the years gone so fast that it feels like yesterday we were told. It was just yesterday that trial exams were still 3 months off. It was just yesterday I was starting year 12, and had no worry of any of this. But so much can change in such a short amount of time.

We have an incredible connection. I know this. She knows this. What she said she'd do to me today... It wasn't sexual. I was feeling sick, so she would have given me a hug. I felt like I was going to vomit, so she would have given me a hug from behind. I would have held her hands closer to my body, feeling the warmth radiating from her skin. As i held her hands, she would have nuzzled my neck from my behind. It was here where I would have collapsed. She was not here, and she may never be here, but I want her to be. I want her to be here more than anything in the world. Even that computerized *necknuzzle* was enough to send waves of pleasure so violently through my body that I couldn't control myself. It was so perfect. So right. So intense that if it weren't for the fact that I were lying down, I really would have collapsed. I melt when she *snuggle*'s me. She is my kryptonite. She drives me crazy. Not because she does so many things wrong. She drives me crazy because she does everything right. I can't stand to be away from her. It is the most tormenting feeling in the world. It tears me apart. 6 months.

I want to say it may not be 6 months. I wish I could say it will be less than 6 months. I want to say I can fly up there straight after exams and be with her and that will be it. But it's not and it won't. Even if I do fly up there before 6 months, will she be ready? I'm not going to force her into something she doesn't want to be in, and spending any time with her is time and money [b]very[/b] well spent. But it's hard to imagine going up, being with her, and not being allowed to do anything romantic. 6 months. That's all it is. I just concentrate on other things and I should be fine.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Life is confusing.

It's hard to say.

I guess I don't want to go back there. but I'm already there. So there's not really any where to go back to.

Love sucks sometimes.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Hello, again.

So I guess it's time to blog again.

I'm sick, once again. Just a head cold this time. Not enough to get me out of school (trial exams any way), but enough to make me feel horrible.

Enough so, that the last thing I want to do is stand there, taking a "nice" family photo hearing mum tell me to "smile" when I already am. And it wasn't a generic, telling every one to smile type of "smile". It was a "Ben, smile." I am! That's how I fucking smile! I'm not standing there pouting, or glaring. I'm fucking smiling! And if I hear someone telling me to "toughen up, princess", I will break their fucking nose. I almost gave dad an early father's day present for it. It's either a nice photo of his 3 children, or an eldest son with a broken nose. That phrase shits me up the wall, and I'm sure that by the time my life is over, I will have killed someone over it. Every body has their trigger. For some people it's being called "chicken". For some people it's being called a "wimp". That's mine.

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Ugh. I feel horrible. I'm gonna go play WoW for a while.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Bad news.

Last night, I discovered that Shannyn's mother died of Stomach Cancer on hte morning of the 27th of August 2009.

I know she will be missed.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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