Confession.

I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I love her.

But I try to hate her, because if I don't, then I will hold on, knowing maybe one day we could be together. One day.

But we can't. We can never be together. Not after what's happened. I said I hated her, because what she did to me was horrible, but it wasn't.

It was human. She was human.

I wanted to hurt her. That's human.

When dealing with a... break up, I guess. I don't know what else to call it. I guess that's what it was, for me any way.

When dealing with a break up, one person feels like crap. They're at the lowest point. Afterwards, they improve.

But they bring down the other person to where they were. And that's what I did.

I force myself to hate her, because I have to let go. It's the only way either of us can be happy. I can't sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy, and I can't ask her to do the same for me.

I know she's not stupid or blind. She just has a lot of stuff to work out.

She wants me to stay away. Not for her. But for me. To get my life back on track.

I'm trying to. I deleted her number from my phone. I remember her email, but I won't use it. I'm not confused. I know what I'm doing. For the first time in a long time, I know what I'm doing. And yes, it's for the greater good. But that doesn't mean I enjoy it now.

It's not easy. But I know it has to be done.

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I, apparently, have a girl here. I'm not sure who that's meant to mean. Sarah? Sure, I hit on her, and make her laugh and everything, but she's more a drinking buddy than a girlfriend. We're too different. I don't think anything could come of it.

Madi... We haven't spoken in 8 months, excluding last night. Madi is incredibly beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Not many girlsmake me do a double take, drop my jaw and stare in amazement at how incredibly, amazingly beautiful they are. But she has. I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful she is.

But she's way out of my league.

Way out of my league.

She is incredibly beautiful, smart, funny. She made me laugh. I think I made her laugh.And we had a cute, flirty moment.

It was great. I don't have it on this computer, but it really was great. I'd love to meet up with her and take her out and even just go on a single date with her. A single date. Just to prove that extremely beautiful girls aren't way out of my league.

I like her. I'm not in love with her. I barely know her. But I would love to get to know her better and see where it leads.

I hope it leads somewhere good...

Let's hope.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Bitch, whore, fucking skank!

Every other obscenity I can scream at her to make her hurt, the way I hurt. It won't have any effect. She doesn't care. For all I know, she never cared.

I always blamed myself. If something was wrong with her, it was my fault. If she felt bad, I did something wrong. If she didn't feel like talking, I did something wrong. If ever there was any problem, it was my fault. I see the truth now.

It wasn't my fault. It was hers. She's either too blind or stupid to know a good thing when she has it. I loved her. I love her. But she didn't care. She treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt. She made me feel the way nobody should ever have to feel. She betrayed me.

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And now: a song dedicated to her.

Should've When You Could've - Skillet

I'm done wondering where you've been
All night long when you're out with your friends
All you say, that the matter's over
But now that chapter's over
I'm done trusting you it's ended
Even after I catch you red handed
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

I'm done chasing you all over
May as well be chasing after thunder
Play hard to get if it makes you happy
For a change now you can start chasing me
Don't cry cause I ain't your sure thing
It ain't my fault you don't know a good thing
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

Don't you understand
Don't wanna be your backup plan
Now I won't be here to clean up when it hits the fan
You tried to keep me on your leash
It's time you started chasing me

I'm done acting like I won't be
Sitting here still wishing you wanted me
Don't say that I never told you
Take some advice from somebody who knows

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good

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I found this song to be completely relevant. Not just the chorus, or the verses, but the entire song. -----

On a lighter note - I finally got a phone that works. It's a shitty $49 Nokia something, but it makes and receives phone calls and sends and receives SMS. Which is more than my old phone could do.

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Also, Sarah is coming over tonight (I hope). We're going to work on Busman stuff, even though my final SAC is today. It doesn't matter. It'll be good to just watch some movies and get drunk with her.

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I'm tired as fuck now. So I'll take a nap for the next 30 mins or so and see if I can feel better afterwards. Before going to class.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I don't even know what to say.

She's in a relationship.

I finally removed the guy she's in a relationship with on Facebook.

I now have no ties to her facebook wise, or MSN wise.

I miss her so much.

I just wish I could cry.

I don't even what to think about what my reaction would have been if I was still talking to her.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I love her. But I can't be with her. And it sucks.

I just wish I could move on as easily as she did.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

She was online.

I don't have her added. I don't talk to her. I'm trying to make a clean break. But the urge is there.

She commented on a mutual friends status on Facebook. I've been dreading this moment. To know she's online. And not be able to talk to her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

I don't want to stop talking to the friends she introduced me to. They're good people. I don't want to lose contact with them entirely. But I'm afraid I may have to.

I did it, just to be safe.

I didn't want to. But I had to.

I hope things improve soon.

Once I finish this exam, I'm going to bed.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I know when I'm not wanted.

Especially since it's been happening more and more often, lately.
I don't care any more.
The teacher's can set all the trial exams and homework and preparation they want, but in the end, they're not the ones sitting the exam. They're not the ones under so much stress and pressure from the school, teachers, parents to do well. They say they care. The teachers say they care. They care alright. That big bonus from getting a certain number of students over a certain score means so much more than the actual well-being of the students. There's very few teachers who genuinely care about the well-being of their students. You can tell who they are, not only because they put in the extra time and effort, but they notice a change in the students behavior. Even something slight, and usually unnoticeable. My tutor teacher cares. He's the head of English. Other than tutor, I don't have him for any classes. He cares. He notices a slight change, or something wrong, like this morning. He knew there was something wrong, so he asked me to stay back. I did. He made sure I was okay. He made sure I wasn't too stressed out. He made sure I had ways to cope with everything, and he gave advice on how to handle it.
My English teacher cares when I don't hand in work, or when the school psychiatrist sends an email telling all my teachers to back off me. My Business Management teacher couldn't care less, unless I miss a SAC or something. But he has an air about him that demands respect and obedience. I do the work for that reason. Because I actually want to. He may not care. But he makes me care.
As for my Revolutions teacher... I couldn't give two shits about whether he cared or not. The fact is, I did history in year 10. World Wars, the Great depression, everything we covered earlier throughout our schooling, but much more in depth. Much more interesting. I loved it.
Year 11 came around, and I did two histories. Ancient History. Forgotten Wars. Forgotten Empires. Forgotten Leaders. And it was incredibly interesting. How the people lived hundreds of years ago, before technology gave us the entertainment we're so privileged to have today. Australian History was horrible. How Australia developed, how the Aboriginals were treated, Victoria. It wasn't a great class environment, either. The people in my class made it impossible to learn. I did horribly.
I was turned off history, but decided to give it a second chance. Revolutions. The American Revolution and the Russian Revolution. Ought to be interesting. But my Revolutions teacher does not teach the way I need to be taught. I cannot concentrate or learn in his class. And as a result, I have given up on history all together. I don't care any more.
My IT teacher doesn't seem to understand. "I don't sent much homework, so when I do, I expect it to be done." It's not about the amount of homework set. It's not about the people in the class. It's not about the class itself. I just can't be bothered any more. So fine. Set as many trial exams as you want. Keep me after school. I'm not going to do it either way. "But wouldn't it be easier to just get it over and done with?" It's not that simple. I don't do it just to "get it over and done with." I do it because I see a point in it. I know there's a point in setting trial exams, this close, but what I don't see is hope. When I do IT, I lose hope in myself. I'm the worst in my class. Everyone else has been getting better marks than me all year. And every trial exam or SAC I receive back just screams "You don't know enough! You're going to fail! You're bringing down the rest of the class! Why are you even here? You can't do this! Just give up!" So yes, I procrastinate work. I procrastinate IT mostly, not because I'm lazy, but because right now, my world is falling apart around me, and the only thing I have left is hope. If I lose that, I have nothing. So let me have what little I have in this emotionally devoid world by not forcing me to do IT, and I won't take drastic measures to silence the voices screaming in my head when I do IT.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a detention where I have to do IT.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous