I can't hang out in a large group.

Three other people is the most I can hang out with. Talk with. Be friends with.

Why?

Because I'm always "that" one in the group. The one that is only real friends with one person. The one that gets ignored by everyone else. The one that, when has an opinion on something, someone quickly starts talking over the top of me, managing to change the subject along the way, to something I have no opinion on. Something I can't talk about. Something I don't care about. I've never worked well in a group. I've never enjoyed working in a large group. If forced into it by teachers for school work, I do it. I take control of the group, knowing my opinion won't be heard any other way. And then I take into account, my experiences from large groups. So I ask for other peoples opinions. Try to get some input.

But they're like me. They lock up when asked in a group. When someone other than them has control. When they feel like their opinion isn't being heard, or people are talking about things they have no interest in. When they are left out of any conversation, left to think about the important opinions they have, that will never be heard. The heights they could reach, if only someone paid attention to them. What they could do with their lives, if someone pretended to care.

And even if I enter the group. I dared to enter. Why did I dare? Because I want to spend time with my best friend. And my best friend, again, ditches me to be with other people. Leaving me alone. I got one sentence from her. I was there for 30 seconds before the group broke apart. Before I was left alone. Always alone.She ditched me to hang with her new friends. I won't see her at lunch. I may not see her on the bus on the way home. I've seen her for all of 35 minutes this week. I'm going through a hard time. She knows. Does she care? Of course she does. How could she not? She's just so sick of dealing with my crap that, although she cares, she puts other people first. Other activities first. She's just like everybody else. She means so much to me, but she's grown tired of my company. How can I blame her? If I ever met myself, I'd grow tired of my company in the first 5 minutes.

I guess I should be thankful that it's happening now. That she gave me the amount of time that she did. But I still hate it. Everybody says "everything will be fine." Will it? How d you know? What proof do you have? I feel like I'm being replaced. I know I'm not really. There's so little time of school left that she should make the friends she can. But I, of course, can't. I don't want more friends. I don't want to find more reasons to hang on to this tiny thread of happiness. The harder I hold on, the worse it is when I fall. And I fall so often, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm done with happiness. I'm done with friends.

I was always going to be alone. I should have done what needed to be done when I had the chance. But now I'm in too deep. Too deep to escape. There's no way out.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

So this is what an anxiety attack feels like.

The thoughts pounding in my head. Rushing. Making no sense. Crashing inside my head, my heart. My heart speeds up. My breathing becomes shallow and weak. I hyperventilate. My body screams. My mind screams. But I cannot. I scratch at my skull, as the thoughts increase in speed and severity.

I can't handle it. The thoughts, the screaming, the pain inside my head. The pressure.

Even worse, not knowing why. I can't make sense of my thoughts. I don't know what set it off.

I can't concentrate. I cant play games. I can't work. I can't have fun. What can I do?

I'm completely alone.

My best friend won't talk to me. My other friends don't care about me unless they're going to the city. The only one I can trust out of them to help, I never see.

The niggling at the back of my head is forever present. I just want to grab it and rip. It hurts. And it creates thoughts. And it eats at me. Oh, it does eat at me.

And when I'm the only one that knows about it. When I'm the only one that can stop it. I realise how worthless I am to this world.

I can't stop it. It's too powerful.

I need help.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

How much longer can I keep up this charade?

This was a question I asked myself today. At lunch. How long can I keep it up? How long will I last? A year? 6 months? Surely I can keep it up that long.

Apparently not. One and a half hours. I lasted one and a half hours. 5 minutes into IT, I broke down. I couldn't take it. The pressure became too much. I couldn't do it. I began hyperventilating and did absolutely no work. I was going to stay back and do work after school, but I couldn't do it. I'm too far gone.

Even now, playing games, the pressure is there. The pressure to work, the pressure to do well, the pressure to get into university. The pressure of everything. I can't handle it.

I'm losing it. I need help.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Another lonely day.

Another day of mind-numbing, friend-less babble.

I need human contact. People to talk to. Being left alone with my thoughts is a very bad thing right now. And unfortunately, that's all I have.

Fuck.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I missed the train.

If only because the van in front of us took a full minute to get around the round-a-bout at the train station. Giving the train enough time to pull in, open the doors, let everybody off and on, and then leave.

But that's not my main concern right now.

-----

Last night, Linh and I had a fight. A big one.
But she finally got what she wanted. She forced me away. There was no way I could handle her, as I began dropping. So I let go. I let her go. The things I said to her were horrible. I didn't mean them. I just wanted to hurt her. The things she said to me were horrible. I hope she didn't mean them.

Wouldn't surprise me if she did mean them. I guess I've given her enough crap to deal with, and I keep piling it on. She's better off without me. Seems like everybody is.

It appears to be coming to the point where the only person I can trust is the person I hate. I know he hates me. I know he'll insult me. And I can trust that won't change in the week and a half of school we have left, since we've hated each other for the past few years.

I really am losing them. I'm losing Linh. Richard was lost a long time ago. Not just to me, but to our group of friends all together. Jack and I were never really that close. Nathan and I used to go bike riding, but that hasn't happened for many years. Now he only talks to me in English, and even then, it's only when he wants or needs something. Steve. He's my last real friend. Even then, we fight every now and then, as friends do. We make up, as friends do. But if it's so easy to lose someone as close as Linh, how do I know I won't lose Steve?

I don't really have any other friends. Sarah, I talk to online, and we have yet to meet up in real life. Madi barely talks to me, and I don't blame her. She's a smart, beautiful girl who appears to be way out of my league. Shannyn's out of my life for good. I can't go back to her. I can't let myself make that mistake. The pain would kill me.

Linh's the only tangible friend I have left, since I can't see Steve every day. And I can't talk to her today. Looks like I'm all alone. "You are born alone, and you damn sure die alone." Looks like I'm going to be living alone as well.

I really should have seen this coming.

I don't know why I didn't.

Skillet put it fairly well.

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Skillet - Say Goodbye

Things are changing
It seems strange that I need to figure this out
You've got your life, I've got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left asking
Where has all the time gone now?
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't wanna believe it's over

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember in December?
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
Our feelings would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead, I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now?
Can we make it last somehow?
We both knew what we've gotta say, not today
'Cause I don't wanna leave this way

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Ind if it's over, it hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were, happy like we were

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Yesterday we were laughing
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I am left here asking
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye.

-----

We both knew it would get to this point. One of us would fuck up so badly that the other left. I guess I wasn't expecting us both to fuck up so badly.

I had a line about how I have things to look forward to, and I wanted Linh there to see it, but I realised how pathetic it sounded and decided not to leave that in.

And that's all I am really. Pathetic. Arousing pity through vulnerability or sadness. Sounds like me.

Maybe I can finish posting this on the bus, after Linh's got on, so I don't have to see her, or the pain I caused. Maybe she'll avoid me as well, so she can't see the pain she caused.

I'm sitting right at the front of the bus. I'm actually scared to face her after what happened last night. I want her to sit next to me when she gets on so we can apologise and move on, but I'm terrified of her sitting next to me. What to do?

I just need to keep my head down and hope for the best. Whether that be her sitting next to me, or not.

All i can do is hope.

Hope appears to be all I have left.

She missed the bus.

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I hate being confused and conflicted.

-----

It's now period 3. I passed her during recess. She looked directly at me, then quickly looked away. I felt like such a shit for what I said, I couldn't even bring myself to apologise.

I did, however, send her an SMS, letting her know where I was, incase she wanted to talk. Something tells me she'd rather be with her other friends than me. It's been getting like that a lot lately.

She's my best friend. Her opinions influence my decisions. I genuinely care about what she thinks and how she feels. I feel like shit if I do something wrong. I feel like shit for what I did last night. I am shit.

She'd be better off if I just faded away into a distant memory. It would just about kill me, of course, but at least then she'd be happy.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous