Because right now it feels like nothing.
I need help.
I need a reason.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I give up.
I'm losing my grip on sanity. On happiness. On everything.
It's slipping, and it's not coming back.
Another fuck up.
She's right. I need to get used to being alone. The few friends I have are leaving. The one friend I truly care about is still pissed at me, although now she's talking to me. And the little time we have together, I'm a depressed shit. I piss her off even more. We argue. We fight. I leave. I can't do this any longer. It's too much. How can I hold on to a world where my only ties are video games, a forum where my "friends" are people I will never meet, I rarely talk to, and who don't genuinely care about me, and . My family cares, but I barely see them enough. I'm always alone in my room. I'm always alone. Who else is there? Teachers? Four days from now, they can stop caring. They will stop caring. What's left? My friends? After Haileybury, they'll forget about me. I'll fade away into memory. Seems like the only people who have ever missed me were the guys in my guild on WoW. If only because they need me. Tank, DPS, Healing. That's all I am to them. Not a person. A pixelated character, who will stop them from taking damage, who will help them kill something, or who will keep them alive. They don't care about my feelings. They don't care about me as a person. It's getting to the point where there's nothing left. Nothing left for me, as a person. Nothing left to hope for. Nothing left to hang around for. I've sought help and it has been of no use. Even this, typing it out, getting it off my chest, does nothing. It does not make me feel better. It does not make me feel. I'm sick of this. Sick of running from the truth. Sick of hiding from the truth. Sick of protecting myself. I have one friend. Is it a relationship if only one person is committed? No. Is it a friendship if only one person is a friend? I guess not. How can I do this any more? How can I go on? I can't. But I don't have a choice. She gave me two options. We both know there are really three. But option number three isn't really an option. It's a mistake. A mistake that i can't make until I'm well and truly alone. No friends. No family. No one to worry about me. It won't be too long. And it's better than the alternative. -----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I can't hang out in a large group.
Three other people is the most I can hang out with. Talk with. Be friends with. Why? Because I'm always "that" one in the group. The one that is only real friends with one person. The one that gets ignored by everyone else. The one that, when has an opinion on something, someone quickly starts talking over the top of me, managing to change the subject along the way, to something I have no opinion on. Something I can't talk about. Something I don't care about. I've never worked well in a group. I've never enjoyed working in a large group. If forced into it by teachers for school work, I do it. I take control of the group, knowing my opinion won't be heard any other way. And then I take into account, my experiences from large groups. So I ask for other peoples opinions. Try to get some input. But they're like me. They lock up when asked in a group. When someone other than them has control. When they feel like their opinion isn't being heard, or people are talking about things they have no interest in. When they are left out of any conversation, left to think about the important opinions they have, that will never be heard. The heights they could reach, if only someone paid attention to them. What they could do with their lives, if someone pretended to care. And even if I enter the group. I dared to enter. Why did I dare? Because I want to spend time with my best friend. And my best friend, again, ditches me to be with other people. Leaving me alone. I got one sentence from her. I was there for 30 seconds before the group broke apart. Before I was left alone. Always alone.She ditched me to hang with her new friends. I won't see her at lunch. I may not see her on the bus on the way home. I've seen her for all of 35 minutes this week. I'm going through a hard time. She knows. Does she care? Of course she does. How could she not? She's just so sick of dealing with my crap that, although she cares, she puts other people first. Other activities first. She's just like everybody else. She means so much to me, but she's grown tired of my company. How can I blame her? If I ever met myself, I'd grow tired of my company in the first 5 minutes. I guess I should be thankful that it's happening now. That she gave me the amount of time that she did. But I still hate it. Everybody says "everything will be fine." Will it? How d you know? What proof do you have? I feel like I'm being replaced. I know I'm not really. There's so little time of school left that she should make the friends she can. But I, of course, can't. I don't want more friends. I don't want to find more reasons to hang on to this tiny thread of happiness. The harder I hold on, the worse it is when I fall. And I fall so often, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm done with happiness. I'm done with friends. I was always going to be alone. I should have done what needed to be done when I had the chance. But now I'm in too deep. Too deep to escape. There's no way out. -----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
So this is what an anxiety attack feels like.
The thoughts pounding in my head. Rushing. Making no sense. Crashing inside my head, my heart. My heart speeds up. My breathing becomes shallow and weak. I hyperventilate. My body screams. My mind screams. But I cannot. I scratch at my skull, as the thoughts increase in speed and severity. I can't handle it. The thoughts, the screaming, the pain inside my head. The pressure. Even worse, not knowing why. I can't make sense of my thoughts. I don't know what set it off. I can't concentrate. I cant play games. I can't work. I can't have fun. What can I do? I'm completely alone. My best friend won't talk to me. My other friends don't care about me unless they're going to the city. The only one I can trust out of them to help, I never see. The niggling at the back of my head is forever present. I just want to grab it and rip. It hurts. And it creates thoughts. And it eats at me. Oh, it does eat at me. And when I'm the only one that knows about it. When I'm the only one that can stop it. I realise how worthless I am to this world. I can't stop it. It's too powerful. I need help. -----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
