I'm glad

I'm glad she had such a great day today.

I just hate not being inclued in it.

Guess I'm going to bed depressed again.

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A constant reminder

Of the monster I am.

How do I show how much I hate myself for what I've said and done? How do I show how much I regret everything I put her through?

A simple "I'm sorry" is worthless. I could say "I'm sorry" a billion times over, and it would still not be close to how sorry I am, how much I regret it.

I despise myself for my actions. More than that. I hate myself. I do. Hate is a strong word. I don't know why I used it against her. The subconscious monster I am pulled that word, with no proof. No reasoning behind it. It pulled that, of all words. And I used it. Against the one person who was always there for me. Who always helped me out. And for what? Because she wasn't there for me any more? She was. She's always been there for me. I used it because she wanted to hang out with other people. People not me. That's no excuse.

I have no excuse. My abhorrent behaviour as of late makes me hate, loathe and despise myself. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I'm lucky that where I am sitting doesn't reflect my face back at me. Or the face of the monster I let myself become.

I know I've posted this song, or these lyrics before, but that was back when the chorus best explained my situation. This time, it's the lyrics that best explain my situation.

-----

Skillet - Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Never surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemyWho sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

-----

I beg for forgiveness. But I don't know why. I want to be forgiven.  Not just by Linh. Not just by those I've hurt recently. But by myself. I want to be able to forgive myself. But it may very well be a long time before I can do that. Longer, perhaps, than when the others I've hurt can forgive me. And I do want them to forgive me.

But what's the use of being forgiven, if you can't forgive yourself?

Can I forgive myself? The way I've acted recently, I may never forgive myself. I have no excuse for what I did. No doctor's note. No "Get out of jail free" card. I have nothing to use to be forgiven. Especially by myself.

I know this has seemed to become my catchphrase in the past few months. Possibly even years. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to forgive myself.

I have no doubt that Linh will forgive me. We can hold an adult conversation. We nod at each other, and we each understand the meanings of each nod. But she won't sit next to me. She won't talk to me unless I ask some one else to get her for me. Can I blame her? No. If someone acted the way I have towards her, not just in the past week or so, but in our entire relationship, both dating and friendship, I don't think I would be able to act as civil as Linh is towards me.

So why does it feel like today was the last day I'll ever see her. The last conversation I'll ever have with her. So many last things between us already. So many things that will never happen again. I don't want today to be the last conversation I have with her. The last time I see her face. But I don't control that. I can't control that.

I have so many regrets. So many things I could have done differently. So many things I should have done differently. So many things I wish I could go back and do right. But it's not just that. So many things I wish I had done when I had the chance. Lost opportunities I'll never get back. So many lost opportunities.

There's so much I can do. There's so much I can't do.

I'm terrified that today was the last time I'll ever see Linh. Ever talk to her. I love her. She's my best friend. And losing her like this. Losing her at all.

It scares the hell out of me.

I hope it all works out between us. I really do.

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Citizen Me

Citizen Kane. A megalomaniac, pushing those he cares about away in a misguided want to be loved.

Am I so different? The recent events with my best friend, all my friends, my family. Every one close to me. The recent events with them has caused me to think I'm not so different.

I'm not so different from Kane. That's depressing. I don't plan on going into politics to be loved by the voters. I want to love and be loved. So I do as Kane does. I push people away in a futile attempt to cling to them. Hold them so tight, that they can't breathe. So they escape. They leave.

Can I blame them? I don't think I should. It's not their fault I am the way I am. I just need to fix it. It won't be easy. But it will be well worth it, in the end. I just hope I make it work out.

We'll see.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

There's no excuse for that.

My bahaviour towards my best friend as of late has been absolutely deplorable, despicable and disgusting.

Which is why I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me. Or see me.

I don't know what's been happening this past week or so, but my behaviour towards those close to me has dropped, significantly.

I've spent almost all day weeding out the reasons why that is. I've spent the rest of the time hoping Linh doesn't hate me. She doesn't. But she is furious. And with very good reason.

I wish we could go back to the way we were. Happy, friendly, messing around the way we did. But I don't think we'll ever be that close again. I don't think she'll let us get that close again. I hope she does.

She has good reason not to, of course. She did what she could to make everything work. I don't know why I took it so personally. I know what's wrong with me, thanks to Brian. Now I just need to save myself, and my friends from it. I need to stop it.

I hope she forgives me soon. But I can understand if she doesn't.

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Gone for good.

Christ, I'm an idiot.

I let my emotions take control. I let him take control. And everything goes to shit.

I've lost, possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Forever. I love her. She tried to help. She tried so very hard. And I got upset for that. I got upset because she tried to help me do something she knew I couldn't do on my own. Something I needed her help with. Something I needed her friends help with. And I forced her away. I forced her away because I'm an idiot.

I didn't want to lose her. I wanted her to understand. Understand why I hurt so much. And now I hurt even more.

I don't think I can ever fix this. We'll never be as close as we once were, only a few weeks ago.

-----

Something's happening to me. I'm losing my grip on sanity. I'm losing control.

I need to figure out how to stop this. How to get him out of my head, or get him on my side.

I can't risk this happening again. I can't risk losing her like this again. I'd be fine if we drited apart because we were both so busy that we couldn't see each other. But this... Not like this. Never like this.

I need to find myself. Find who I am. I need to be comfortable with that. Or else this will keep happening, and I'll end up with nothing. I don't want to end up with nothing. I want to have friends who like me for me. But if I don't take complete control of this thing inside my skull, it will never happen.

I need to take control. I need to win. I don't have any other choice.

This is a battle only I can be involved in. Only I can fight for.

This battle has to end.

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