So much has happened.

I'm not exactly sure where to start.

Well, I graduated. I'm no longer a student. Graduation day was full of fun memories I plan to cherish, as well as regrets of things I'll never get the chance to do again. The tear-filled speeches made through out the day, the fear of never seeing my friends again.

Valedictory dinner was amazing. Foyster's speeches, the Student speeches, Framey's speech, Scotty's speech and the Teacher band was awesome. And screaming Jerusalem at the end, our own rendition will be something I never forget.

Now on to today:

This morning I found an email from Shannyn. She's coming to Melbourne. Soon. She wants to meet up.

I don't know that I could. She still has a boyfriend. I can't handle that. Seeing her, physically would make it real. I can't handle that. I don't want to go back to the way I was. Back to the miserable, confused wreck I was. And I was a wreck.

I loved her, and she broke my heart. More than once. I'd love to see her, to hold her. To try and make things work. But I know that doing so would be the biggest mistake of my life.

No. I can't do it. I can't go back to her.

-----

Qantm Interview:

The interview was great. The interveiwer was awesome. She made me feel much more confident about it. I'm the "perfect candidate" for Games Design, and of the potential Games Designers she'd seen I "was the best [she'd] seen". I got a tour of the campus. Which was incredibly small, but the people there were having fun making games and it looked like the place I wanted to be.

-----

The Five Greatest Warriors. Matthew Reilly's new book. I got a signed copy. It's awesome.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Depression

I'm just thinking about my depression and what it has targetted over the year.

When Linh first broke up with me, I was terrified that I'd die alone.

When Shannyn stopped talking to me for all those months, I was terrified I'd die alone.

I was able to survive that. It would strike once a week, and for the rest of the week, I'd be fine. I'd be fine because I knew I wouldn't die alone. I might not have gotten married. But I wouldn't have been alone as long as I had friends. So my friends started to become seperate of me. That was my doing. I didn't like hanging in the library constantly because I couldn't eat or drink there. So I moved to a new spot. Linh came with me. We had some good times there.

And I think that's why I started to become so dependent on her. Because she became the only one to hang out with me. The only one to talk to me. So my depression became slightly more frequent. With a different agenda. I may never get married, but I could get through it as long as I had Linh. Not my friends. Just Linh. And that wasn't fair on her.

So when she started hanging with other people, I felt like I was losing her. My depression saw it's opening and it struck. It struck hard, and it tried to consume me. It almost did.

I didn't think I could survive anything without Linh. I thought losing Linh would destroy me. And that's why it almost did.

By thinking that losing her would destroy me, I let it almost destroy me. But I am stronger than that.

I can beat this. I will beat this.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

All school today did

Was reaffirm how completely alone I am.

No one wanted me to sign their shirts or dresses. I had to ask.
No one wanted to sign my shirt. I had to ask.
No one wanted to sit next to me for the Year 12 Revue. I didn't bother asking.

Even Linh. Under the circumstances, I'd normally say it was understandable. But it may well be the last time I'll ever see her, excluding OHA meetings.

And now with the end of Year 12, I am completely seperated from my friends. Completely seperated from human contact.

It was nice to know that I wasn't completely alone when I arrived home, but the after effects of her company can only last so long.

And with her gone, I am once again, completely alone.

I feel completely alone.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Like a puzzle coming together

The pieces fit. It makes sense. How can it make sense? Because the depression forces it to.

She doesn't want to hang out with me. That's fine.

She doesn't want to take photos with me. That's fine too.

She doesn't want me to sign her dress. That doesn't make much sense, but okay.

She doesn't want to see me. under the circumstances, understandable.

But put it together.

She doesn't want to remember me.

And that hurts.

Can I blame her? i guess not.

I wouldn't want to remember me either.

I'm going to be that one that every single person knows by face and by name. But when it comes down to staying in touch, I'll fade away. A memory. It's all I'll be in the end. And even that will soon fade away in the minds of my fellow peers.

It's the last day of school. Everybody gathers around, getting their shirts and dresses signed. Making sure to try stay in touch. Asking people to sign their shirts, and asking to sign other shirts.

But not me. I ask people to sign my shirt, and they're reluctant. I ask to sign people's shirts and they hesitate.

It's not until the final day, the final chance, the final opportunity, that I realised how completely alone I really am.

And I do feel so alone.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I'm glad

I'm glad she had such a great day today.

I just hate not being inclued in it.

Guess I'm going to bed depressed again.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous