No one can hear you scream. but what if you're in a spacesuit speeding off, screaming into the radio?
Wouldn't the people on the other end of the radio hear you, until you got out of range, atleast?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
20 more minutes
Until it becomes official.
Not just another day.
This day. Why is there this day?
I know it's meant to make everyone feel special, cared for.
I understand Christmas has the highest suicide rate, but why not this day?
You'd think this day would be much more of a let down than Christmas.
This day.
This day in particular.
Why?
Why this day?
It seems almost that those closest to me, are not that close.
Out with friends, paying no attention to the day. This day.
Because they've never truly experienced this day?
Quite possibly.
Because they've never had a chance to experience this day.
But then, I began to take notice of this day, long before I had a chance to experience it.
I saw the happy couples going around.
It seemed everyone had a special someone they thought of.
It seemed someone had a special someone but me.
Everyone thought of someone in a special way, or liked someone in a special way, and on this day, they showed it, without regret.
But on this day, it seemed nobody thought of me, specially.
Everyone got a card, or a gift, but me. No gifts. No cards. No thoughts.
And then, you meet that special someone.
That someone you think of specially, and who thinks of you specially. And the presents flow, even when it is not this day. This day.
But then something happens, and you only remember the bad times. Contact is cut, and you have two options.
1) Hate her, for sending you through this pain.
2) Hate yourself, for letting yourself become so vulnerable.
Sometimes you can go through both of these at the same time. resulting in a final and third option.
3) Hate her for making you so vulnerable.
And when you think that all is said and done, the world ticks over, and contact is reestablished, and with it the feelings, thought to be long forgotten. They weren't forgotten. They were in hiding, waiting for the perfect time to return. And they do. The return ten fold.
But once again, the distance holds itself between you.
And you wish, and hope, and pray and do whatever you can do inorder to hold onto these feelings. So rare, sometimes fleeting feelings. But not for her.
And you make your choice. Too far for anything to become of it. Too much drama to be anything now. Too complicated. And on this day you make your choice.
You wait. For her. Because there is no one like her. No one similar to her. No one that can replace her. No one that can change your feelings for her.
And as it ticks over to this day, you know what you'll do.
The question remains, again, whether you can handle it, and you hope that you can. You want to be able to. For her. Because she is worth everything you have, and so much more. And you will never meet anyone like her. And you will never replace her. And you will never feel like this with anyone else.
And that is why, on this day, I am alone. For this one day , this day, I choose to spend it alone. To wait. For her. Because she is worth it.
Another Valentine's day alone, for a reason different to every other year. Every other year, nobody wanted to give me anything, and i was too afraid to give anyone anything.
This year, it's for her.
Happy Valentine's Day. <3
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Ah, the convoluted reality of life
It's impossible to comprehend.
Why do we feel the way we feel? Why do we feel the way we feel about certain people? What pulls us to some people more than others? Why do we keep returning to the same people?
Questions with impossible answers.
Instead, you need to take a small section of your life and control it. The only part you can control. Self control. I'm doing that now.
Coke is to be drunk on special occasions only.
If it is not a special occasion, Coke shall not pass these lips.
Time to take what little control I have over both my self and my life, and harness it.
I hope I can stick to it.
Over a month.
Since I last posted. I've been doing some self reflection over the past week, looking back on the year. From this date last year, if I may list out everything that's happened:
I was heartbroken
I fell in love with Shannyn
I was heartbroken
I continued loving Shannyn
I was heartbroken
Cut off contact with Shannyn
Rebound
Met and began to like Cassie
Lost contact with the rebound girl
Fell for Cassie
Cassie manipulative and made me fall for what she wanted me to fall for, not her for her
Began contact with Shannyn again
Began disliking Cassie more and more
Still in love with Shannyn
I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that all my friends think my life is completely fucked up, and if they could avoid being forced to trade lives with any other single person, it would be me. Not someone caught tin the Haiti earthquake, not someone starving to death in Africa, Me. That doesn't really make me feel special.
Ness is coming over tonight for a few hours, but I have no idea what's happening. She just arrived.
Life is very, very, very complicated.
Why can't I just have a normal life, for once? Small family, a desk job, a mortgage. That sorta stuff. God knows I'll get there, but it's going to be a long, difficult, complicated, twisted, windy road.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll get there sooner than I think.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Enough near death experiences...
Well, what an interesting New Years celebration.
Learnt the drinking game Kings. I quite liked my rule, though. If you sit down, you have to take 10 drinks. Proper drinks. It was quite funny to watch the 5 other drunk people swaying trying to avoid their chairs.
But that was later in the night.
The first few near death experiences were all from Ness driving. Only one was encouraged by me when a horrible song came on, and I requested that she kill us while we're still normal. It was actually a very fun drive.
Then we got in the pool. Almost drowning because I slipped with Ness on my shoulders, couldn't get my footing and when I finally did, she leant forward to get off my shoulders and let me breathe. But she's a lifesaver, so I wasn't too worried.
Then a trip to the hospital. Not for me, though. I stayed in the pool. Poor Ness and her gigantic arm bee sting, though.
Then there was jumping in the pool during a lightning storm with everybody, while drinking Beam and having fun.
It was after this that I was taught the game of Kings. I don't remember exactly how to play.
Ace - 7 Black: Drink that amount of mouthfuls from your own drink.
Ace - 7 Red: Select any person around the table to drink that amount of mouthfuls from their own drink.
8: Make you're own rule that must be followed. (The 3 rules we managed to make were:
1) Whoever says "What" must then take 8 mouthfuls of their own drink.
2) No sitting down. If you sit down, you must have 10 mouthfuls.
3) No females are allowed to talk at the table. If they did, for every word spoken, they had to take 3 mouthfuls. [there were 4 females, and 2 males playing.])
9: Topic card. You choose a topic and go around until someone goes out.
10: Thumbmaster. Any person with a 10 may put his/her thumb on the table, and the last person to do so must have a mouthful. This can happen at any time during the game, unless a person is already drinking.
Jack: Fountain. The person who recieves a Jack card must start drinking, followed by the next person, until every person at the table is drinking. You may only stop when the person before you stops.
Queen: Queen Bitch. You make a selected member of the table your bitch, and they must do whatever you command.
King: A glass stands in the middle of the table. The first 3 Kings must poor their drink into this glass, until it is 1/3rd full. When the glass is full of whatever concoction of drinks the Kings have chosen, the final King must drink it.
This game is subject to change, depending on the group of drunks you're with.
And then that guy went nuts. Screaming and raging and just going generally insane. The girls were terrified, I didn't know him well enough to try help calm him down, so I just positioned myself between him and the girls.
What made it even worse was when he got pissed off enough to get in his car and attempt to drive off, completely smashed off his face, swerving all over the road. We called the police to catch him beore he hurt anyone, but luckily he came back for his phone and his friends were able to calm him down.
Luckily, he didn't stay the night, but he did come back this morning to apologise for his behaviour, to everyone. He's coming to Merrijig with us, but has sworn off the alcohol for the trip.
We leave tomorrow, and I still haven't started packing. Holy crap! Eep!
It's going to be a fantastic trip. I can't wait.
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