English SAC

Wow. I'm not even sure I did it correctly, but either way I did it.
I finished it fairly quickly (40 minutes instead of a full hour), then decided to have a shot at the second one. I need to do fairly well in it, and continue to do fairly well in English so I can get into the course I want to do. All it requires is an SA in English Unit 4.

 I'm not scared right now, but I probably should be. It's Shannyn's decision, and I let her know if she really wanted to, I would do it. I would ask the question for her. I would do anything for her. But I'm preparing myself for the slow, eventual "No" in reply to her letting it happen with me. I know why she'd say "No". To be honest, I can't really see why she'd say "Yes".

 She has her own stuff to deal with, and I have my own stuff to deal with. Plus there's the distance. One of us would have to move. I don't expect her to move down to where I am, for me. I can't expect to move up to where she is, for her. not that I don't want to. But that it will be a long time before I will be able to. At least 3 years, with GAP year, and hen 2 years of College or 3 years of Uni, it just gets all so... It can't be done soon enough.

 She doesn't have much time left with her mum. I just wish I could be there for her in that time. Not just as a friend in a different state, but actually there to hold her and comfort her, and reassure her that it would be okay. I can't do that from where I am. I wish I could be there for her.

 I'm so confused. Everything's moving so fast, there's no way I can stop it. I wouldn't expect to be able to stop it, but slow it down, at least. If I could slow it down I could deal with one thing at a time. Do one thing, get it out of the way, deal with another, get it out of the way.

 I hate it when it gets like this. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I've always gone with the flow of things. I've never had to fight for something I really, truly want. But now I do. And I will fight with every breath I have until the day I die.

 Let's hope that isn't soon.

 -------

 Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

The truth comes out.

I hate not knowing.
What's going to happen to me?
What's going to happen to Linh?
What's going to happen to my friends?
What's going to happen to Shannyn?
Christ, what's going to happen to Shannyn?
She only has two months left with her mum before the cancer finishes her off.
I'm just terrified for her.

I hate not knowing what's going to happen.
I'm absolutely terrified of not knowing what's going to happen, not only to me, but to my friends. I'm just so confused.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Will I ever be ready?

I do love her. With all my heart. All my soul. All my everything.

 I would give her the world. Tear down buildings. Rip out the core of the earth with my barehands, if I had to, just to prove my love for her.

 But I can't sit by and watch these things happen to her. I can't sit from a distance. I guess I have to be there for her, as much as I love her. I have to sit there and be her friend, doing my best not to add more pressure, and control my jealousy for the good of both our friendship, and my hope that one day she will come around and want to be with me.
I'm not going to hold onto that forever, though. I'm going to search for someone else as much as I can. She deserves the best. If she doesn't see me as the best, then I'd rather make an effort to be her friend and have a potential relationship at some point in the future than not trying at all.

 I guess we'll see.

 -------
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Important realisation

How is it possible that it can come to this?

 I've now realised a very important fact.

 I fall in love with girls who are... somewhat out of my league.

 Not only that, but I fall in love with girls who are beautiful and intelligent enough to have any man they want.

 It's no wonder I won't be chosen. Not for a long time.

 I've found the woman of my dreams, whom I shall always love, but she needs me to be something else. I can only hold on to the hope that she will give me another chance when I get better.

 -----

 Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Am I really that entertaining?

I mean honestly. 23 different people read my blog. What does it actually do for you?

I do hope to get some answers in the form of comments.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous