Maybe she was right.

I've spent so long seeking relationships, miserably single to start, and then almost constantly in a relationship or thinking about the person I would like to be in a relationship with.

Even now, mere days after removing Shannyn completely from my life, I'm trying to move on. I had a wonderful conversation with Madi, and I would love to get to know her better. Get to know her. That would involve dating. Am I trying to get a date with her because I actually like her? Because I'm trying to prove something?

Or is Linh right? Am I really only seeking companionship because I don't know who I really am, so I attempt to associate with others. So they can define who I am. And I can be who they are, or who they want me to be.

I don't want that. I know my interests. But I do sometimes get caught up in the interests of others. And relate to them. I force myself to relate to them. Sure, they're interesting topics, I'm not denying that. But it's not my greatest interest. It's not something I would call an interest if they hadn't brought it up.

Maybe I do need to stay single for a while.

Atleast until I learn who I am.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Confession.

I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I love her.

But I try to hate her, because if I don't, then I will hold on, knowing maybe one day we could be together. One day.

But we can't. We can never be together. Not after what's happened. I said I hated her, because what she did to me was horrible, but it wasn't.

It was human. She was human.

I wanted to hurt her. That's human.

When dealing with a... break up, I guess. I don't know what else to call it. I guess that's what it was, for me any way.

When dealing with a break up, one person feels like crap. They're at the lowest point. Afterwards, they improve.

But they bring down the other person to where they were. And that's what I did.

I force myself to hate her, because I have to let go. It's the only way either of us can be happy. I can't sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy, and I can't ask her to do the same for me.

I know she's not stupid or blind. She just has a lot of stuff to work out.

She wants me to stay away. Not for her. But for me. To get my life back on track.

I'm trying to. I deleted her number from my phone. I remember her email, but I won't use it. I'm not confused. I know what I'm doing. For the first time in a long time, I know what I'm doing. And yes, it's for the greater good. But that doesn't mean I enjoy it now.

It's not easy. But I know it has to be done.

-----

I, apparently, have a girl here. I'm not sure who that's meant to mean. Sarah? Sure, I hit on her, and make her laugh and everything, but she's more a drinking buddy than a girlfriend. We're too different. I don't think anything could come of it.

Madi... We haven't spoken in 8 months, excluding last night. Madi is incredibly beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Not many girlsmake me do a double take, drop my jaw and stare in amazement at how incredibly, amazingly beautiful they are. But she has. I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful she is.

But she's way out of my league.

Way out of my league.

She is incredibly beautiful, smart, funny. She made me laugh. I think I made her laugh.And we had a cute, flirty moment.

It was great. I don't have it on this computer, but it really was great. I'd love to meet up with her and take her out and even just go on a single date with her. A single date. Just to prove that extremely beautiful girls aren't way out of my league.

I like her. I'm not in love with her. I barely know her. But I would love to get to know her better and see where it leads.

I hope it leads somewhere good...

Let's hope.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Bitch, whore, fucking skank!

Every other obscenity I can scream at her to make her hurt, the way I hurt. It won't have any effect. She doesn't care. For all I know, she never cared.

I always blamed myself. If something was wrong with her, it was my fault. If she felt bad, I did something wrong. If she didn't feel like talking, I did something wrong. If ever there was any problem, it was my fault. I see the truth now.

It wasn't my fault. It was hers. She's either too blind or stupid to know a good thing when she has it. I loved her. I love her. But she didn't care. She treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt. She made me feel the way nobody should ever have to feel. She betrayed me.

-----

And now: a song dedicated to her.

Should've When You Could've - Skillet

I'm done wondering where you've been
All night long when you're out with your friends
All you say, that the matter's over
But now that chapter's over
I'm done trusting you it's ended
Even after I catch you red handed
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

I'm done chasing you all over
May as well be chasing after thunder
Play hard to get if it makes you happy
For a change now you can start chasing me
Don't cry cause I ain't your sure thing
It ain't my fault you don't know a good thing
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

Don't you understand
Don't wanna be your backup plan
Now I won't be here to clean up when it hits the fan
You tried to keep me on your leash
It's time you started chasing me

I'm done acting like I won't be
Sitting here still wishing you wanted me
Don't say that I never told you
Take some advice from somebody who knows

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good

-----

I found this song to be completely relevant. Not just the chorus, or the verses, but the entire song. -----

On a lighter note - I finally got a phone that works. It's a shitty $49 Nokia something, but it makes and receives phone calls and sends and receives SMS. Which is more than my old phone could do.

-----

Also, Sarah is coming over tonight (I hope). We're going to work on Busman stuff, even though my final SAC is today. It doesn't matter. It'll be good to just watch some movies and get drunk with her.

-----

I'm tired as fuck now. So I'll take a nap for the next 30 mins or so and see if I can feel better afterwards. Before going to class.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I don't even know what to say.

She's in a relationship.

I finally removed the guy she's in a relationship with on Facebook.

I now have no ties to her facebook wise, or MSN wise.

I miss her so much.

I just wish I could cry.

I don't even what to think about what my reaction would have been if I was still talking to her.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I love her. But I can't be with her. And it sucks.

I just wish I could move on as easily as she did.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

She was online.

I don't have her added. I don't talk to her. I'm trying to make a clean break. But the urge is there.

She commented on a mutual friends status on Facebook. I've been dreading this moment. To know she's online. And not be able to talk to her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

I don't want to stop talking to the friends she introduced me to. They're good people. I don't want to lose contact with them entirely. But I'm afraid I may have to.

I did it, just to be safe.

I didn't want to. But I had to.

I hope things improve soon.

Once I finish this exam, I'm going to bed.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous