I always knew there'd be someone.

Someone nearby that I could trust. Someone I could tell anything. Someone I could talk to, and have fun with, and enjoy the company of, and would feel the same about me.

Someone who cared about me no matter what I did.

Someone who would always be there for me, to help me out when shit hit the fan.

Someone who would forgive me, no matter what I did.

Someone who would love me, no matter how much I hated my self.

Someone who would love me for me.

Someone I could tell my secrets, and not have to worry about them telling someone else.

Someone who wouldn't talk about me behind my back.

Someone I could trust with anything.

It's good to have someone like that in your life.

Wait...

Never mind.

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Dedications.

Yes, it's a dedication. To whom, you decide. I guess it depends on whether you want to pretend we ended on good terms and that the song reminded me of some one else.

-----

Skillet - Open Wounds

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

[Chorus]

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I guess that's it then.

With you gone, I've only got my internet friends.

Don't tell me I don't. I was introduced to a new friend, but oh look, just like everybody else, she wants nothing to do with me.

Internet friends. Can they be called that?

If they knew something was wrong, I know of only one who would try to stop it. One person outside of my family, and they live on the other side of the fucking world.

I was happy for you. I still am. You have friends. You have value.

But when you got friends and started ignoring me, I needed support more than ever.

You have value. Use it. Do everything you can to make your mark on the world.

God knows it's too late for me.

I'll see you in Hell.

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I'm out

Nice to know our friendship means so little.

I tried. I did stupid things. Everybody does stupid things. But you don't care.

Tell me. Is it lonely all the way up there on your high horse?

You're not better than anyone. I have the urge to say you're worse than a few people, but that would be a lie. I know plenty of people worse than you. And you were the best person in my life for 3 years.

But why would that matter? How could that possibly mean anything to you now?

Seems everytime I try, you find something to bring me down. Something that can temporarily destroy me. And you use it to the best of your ability.

But you don't care any more. I do. I've always cared.

When you called and said you took pills while I was in another country, i thought I would never see you again. Nothing has scared me more.

When I caught the early bus without you, because I was hanging with Richard. You took the pills and I had an ambulance called for you. When you cancelled that ambulance, I was terrified.

Everytime you threatened your own life, I became terrified. Everytime I thought I made a mistake that tipped you over the edge, I freaked out.

But you don't care. Why would you?

I can see that I mean so little to you now.

And if you disagree with any of this, maybe you should find a way to prove it, rather than just telling me. Wouldn't want you to get my hopes up.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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It's interesting that we've been in this situation before.

Only this time, we changed places.

It seems lately, eveything to do with us has swapped. Not the exact same situation, but still swapped.

She'd get upset and depressed because I'd pay more atention to my friends, but I still paid attention to her.

So how am I supposed to feel when she stops paying attention, mid-sentence to run up and hug her friend, and then her and her friends completely lock me out of all conversation. I try to join in, and they all completely ignore me.

I know those particular friends hate me, but I was trying to be civil, to no avail.

I was then told to "go get [my] stuff." I did. On my return, i was told I could "leave if [I] want[ed]" since Linh would be haning around for a while. I realised the only reason she invited me out for lunch was because I said I was going to ask her if she wanted to grab lunch together. Which was completely true.

But the way she said it, coupled with her actions, it became apparent that she didn't want me there.

She's my best friend. I was hers. Was. Seems I'm not any more.

It's harder to hang out now that we've graduated. It'll be much harder to stay in touch.

But if she's not going to make an effort to stay friends, why should I bother?

Her actions recently have given the impression, "Sure, we can stay friends. We mean a lot to each other and we'll always be freinds. As long as there's no one else to hang out with, because I'm going to take every opportunity to get rid of you, using my other friends. It's not you, it's me. I just prefer hanging with other people and don't care about you any more. But the only time I can show it is when my other friends are present."

-----

Yesterday was an overall good day.

English exam was easy as shit. One of the questions I asked my English teacher inadvertently answered the exam question, so I already had the answer planned out.

Voxi is a shit and should die in a god damn fire. Worst analysis peice ever.

Context turned from a speech to fellow year 12s to a motivational speech to an army heading into a battle, and then back into a speech to fellow year 12s.

-----

After the exam was the... ugliness with Linh.

I went home, got the largets Macca's meal I've ever had. A large Mighty Angus meal, with a double beef and bacon burger. Delicious.

I then spent most of my day, downstairs on my laptop, watching TV. I was home alone, so there was fun to be had.

Then, my brother and his girlfriend arrived home. They were in a rush, because his drinking buddy was coming over. I thought that was normal.

When the doorbell rang, I went up and saw her, because she's awesome, and is like the drunk, smoking, lesbian sister everybody loves. She wasn't coming in. They were going out to a movie. Saw VI. She invited me (thanks for the invite, brother), and I went. It was with her, her sister, my brother and his girlfriend.

I mentioned that I hadn't seen Saw V. On Wednesday, they rocked up at shool, were Matt worked, and put it on the projector in the hall. I wasn't invited. His drinking buddy seemed more upset about that than I was.

For dinner, I had a hot dog and chips combo, a large popcorn and a large drink. During the movie.

Saw VI was gruesome and gory, and I kept eating. Tasty food.

I don't know what happened to me last night, whether it was the movie, or hanging with friends, that I never hang with properly, btu I changed.

Ness (my brother's drinking buddy) warned her sister that I was quiet, kept to myself. Not last night I didn't.

I used my social commentary on Saw to turn it from a horror gore film into a comedy. Lucky I was sitting next to Ness's sister. ;)

I was loud, making sexual innuendos, both straight and gay at every oppotunity I got. Something happened to me last night. And it was awesome. but I may have freaked out Cass (Ness's sister) a bit.

Because of my crazy antics last night, how ever, I have been invited to Ness's girlfriends place, with Cass. We'll have the place to ourselves and will either have a Saw or Supernatural marathon. I'm looking forward to it.

I've also been invited to their next drinking night, either here or at her place.

I'm so glad I went last night. I had heaps of fun and I look forward to tonight, and every drinking night I'm involved in from now on.

It was a good day.

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