Destroying your childhood.

Imagine, if you will, an old episode of Scooby Doo, where the person in the costume runs around scaring people for the hidden treasure. The gang sets up a trap and everything goes wrong, but somehow, they catch the bad guy and everything is all good. Now imagine, that the guy in the suit, is not actually a suit, and it's actually a real monster. Now imagine that rather than scaring people, the monster is killing people. Let's keep imagining, now, that the gang shows up, sets up a trap and everything goes wrong. Not hard to imagine, since it happens in every episode, but this time, let's go with everything goes wrong, but they don't catch the monster. Instead, the monster chases them down, captures, and kills them. Let's take a small step back, now. Rather than just killing the gang, the monster tortures them, keeping them alive for days on end, and just before they die, he heals them before returning to the torture.

Currently, that's what it feels like is happening to me. Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong, and I am being tortured. Only instead of being tortured by a monster, I am torturing myself. I know it's my fault, but I must be on a horrible self-destructive streak, because almost everything I do makes things worse.

I hate myself.

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She'll never know.

She'll never know how important she was to me.

She'll never know how much I cared about her.

She'll never know how she made me feel.

She'll never know much I loved having her in my life.

She'll never know how much I loved talking to her.

She'll never know how beautiful I thought she was, every time I saw her.

She'll never know how much I admired her.

She'll never know how much I loved her.

But most importantly, she'll never know how much I hate myself for causing this.

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It wasn't her...

It was me. I guess Linh was right when she said Shannyn and I would be perfect for each other. We're similar in so many ways.

I even hurt Linh the same way Shannyn hurt me.

Shannyn hurt me so badly, that I had to leave.

I hurt Linh so badly she had to leave.

I understand now, why we cannot be friends again.

I'm sorry.

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I'm not sure what hurts more.

The realisation that Linh and Shannyn are incredily similar, except for the fact that Shannyn achieved in 6 months what took Linh 3 years, the fact that my heart has now been broken 4 times in one year (don't worry, there's still enough time to make it 5), or the fact that Linh, whose opinion I put above most others, managed to reassure me that I'm going to live and die alone. She knows me better than any one ever has. At least I thought she did. Now, I don't know what to believe.

What can I believe? Living alone, dying alone. That's going to happen regardless. Do I believe my "friends"? What few friends I have. Those who tell me I have so much to live for, and my whole life ahead of me. But what is a whole life? I see a whole life as from a person's birth, to their death. Does that mean some ones life who ends early was whole? No. They haven't had the chance to experience all the things a "whole" life should experience. Like marriage and children and happiness. But maybe some of us weren't meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Marriage, kids, happiness... They were all things I looked forward to.

But now it seems like it would be an impossible accomplishment for me to get that far. Will I get that far? Outlook is bleak. If I do, it won't last. Nothing ever lasts for me.

And so I just lie here, staring at the roof, doing nothing. Why bother with anything?

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." I can't do this much longer.

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It's incredible how much damage one person can do.

While another person can repair that damage almost instantaneously.

I feel like I've been here before.

Slightly different situation, but close enough.

I guess the pain never ends.

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