Because- Holy Crap!

I can't believe it's not Linkin Park lyrics!

I'll post the lyrics, then let out my problems.

Empty Space - Lifehouse

Too late to hide And too tired to care Take what you’ve left And forget the rest Take what you see Of what’s left of me You know where I’ve been And I don’t want to go there again

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

I’ve been down This road before All that I’ve found Points me right back to you And I’ve watch you move From down below Where do I go from here I guess I’ll find out as I go

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing Until you’re everything I have nothing But an empty space

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Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel. I got on LW and saw 1 friend online. It was Shannyn. 1 minute active. It came back again. I'm still not ready. Not for a long time. I want to talk to her. More than anything. I want to be there for her. But not on Livewire. MSN, maybe, if I think I'm ready. But even when she's online on LW, I can't be on. I don't want to fall back in to old patterns. I know she cares about me. I know she sees me as a good friend. So why does this hurt so much? Why can't I let the pain go? Why can't I move on?

I don't know.I don't want her to be my everything. I want to move on. She's not my everything. I can not think about her for a whole day. But the loneliness lingers. I can not be lonely for a whole day. But then on some days it's both. I wish this were easier. I still love her. But I haven't spoken to her for what feels like a long time. I don't want to love her this way any more. It's not fair on her. It's not fair on me.

It's not.

 

Erebus Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It's been a slow deterioration...

But the happiness I was in earlier today is gone, once again. I know how much all of you enjoy hearing about an emotionally unstable, depressing 17 year old, so I won't let you all down.

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The loneliness has returned. The incredible pain of having no one. I know what it is. I know why. It's not her fault. I can't help it and niether can she. She's attractive. She is. So of course she was going to be asked out. Sooner or later, it was going to happen. She's lucky like that. I'm not. I'm not good looking enough to get asked out. I won't get asked out. Not based on looks alone. Not by a random girl who thinks I'm cute or attractive. It won't happen that way.

I get by on personality. Even then, I have to get to know the person first. I can't just go up to a random girl and start chatting them up. I'm too shy. I've done it once. Even then, I was nervous as hell. I can't do it again.

I'm a nervous, neurotic, paranoid worrier.

I trust very few people. I can't talk to randoms. If they start talking to me, fine. I can talk to them then. But before then... I can't do it.

I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, and there won't be anything I can do about it.

I don't know any more.

 

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Day Three...

English, Period 6. I'm so very over this retarded work. Which I don't do, surprisingly. The teacher isn't here, so I'm going to take advantage of that and do no work... which isn't really taking advantage of it, it's just a normal day, only now I get to listen to music. Lucky me.
 
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Business management SAC today during lunch. Oh joy. I don't know how I went. I worry, though. I know I didn't get full marks. I'm thinking something along the lines of 65%.
 
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Linh's in the city after her UMAT. Sending random messages. She knows what she's getting me for my birthday, but she won't tell me... Bitch. I keep getting random updates. "They have goldfish", "They have R2D2!", "I'm not going to tell you what you're getting for your birthday.". Meany. Although she hasn't sent that last one yet, I know she won't tell me any way.
 
I'm glad she's having fun after such a shitty evening and morning.
 
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So I'm meant to be doing work off a sheet (Not going to happen), or the least I could do is work on on of the essays (I guess...), but I don't want to. I'm not lazy. I am PROCRASTINATION MAN! FIGHTING CRIME 5 MINUTES LATER! I'd make a costume, but if I hold out long enough, I won't have to.
 
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I was reading Biccy's blog today. A small update by Biccy. She mentioned Shannyn and the pain came back. I tried to forget, because I know what remembering brings, and it brought it back today. I'll always remember her. Although we never met, how could I forget her. She had such a huge, resounding effect on me that I can't forget. But I can try not to think about it. I can try, but it can still be triggered off, like it was today. There's always going to be the trigger, with all girls I fall for. It still occasionally happens for Linh, but it's no where near as bad as Shannyn. Linh is easy to deal with it, because it's quick, not too painful, and forgotten soon after it's begun. The pain doesn't linger. It still does with Shannyn.
 
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Our English sub has no clue what she's doing. Doesn't have a proper roster, doesn't remember names, or even try to remember names and faces. She let 6 people walk out of the class and not come back. Not because they stood up and left. They asked to go to the library. She's not a good teacher, and I can understand why.
 
I'm not sure what more to rant about. Or even talk about. I'll blog when I get home.
 
But before I go... I need to think of a signature for my blog. And my email. I'll see what I can work out, and if I can do it online.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I feel like celebrating.

According to my blogger, I have posted 28 different times this month. Being the 28th. That would normally mean it would average out to about a post a day. For those of you that follow or read this post a lot, you know this isn't true. I post a lot more than that. So what is the reason behind Blogger saying I've only posted 28 times this month? I was in Vietnam. And Cambodia. I missed out on blogging for at least 10 days in a row, while on that trip. ------- So here I am. Period 6 spare on a Tuesday afternoon, after having just spent lunch with my best friend. I'm good. I was horrible this morning, but after hearing... and being told... I became far too angry to feel upset. I was ready to bash the shit out of her Dad. He doesn't realise the effect he's having on her, and what it's doing to her. He's killing her. Not slowly, either. Oh, I know, people use that all the time. "He's killing me", "You're killing me", "They're killing each other". But this isn't one of those joke "I'm going to die" situations. This is very real and very serious. She's needed therapy. She still does sometimes. He used to pay for her, because he's her father. But for him to turn around and call his own daughter "stupid"?! It has undone all the therapy that she's gone through in one fell swoop. And for her grandpa to agree, and when her father gets in a mood where he literaly threatens her life, and is extremely tempted to beat her... She locks herself in a room. It makes her feel safe. It provides protection from someone who can't control themselves like an adult, and relies on his only daughter to do all his work for him. She feels safe in her room as long as the door separates her from her father. So how could her grandfather then unlock the door for him? What kind of family does that to each other? And she does come from a fucked up family. Mother left when she was still a baby, Father dumped her on her grandmother, then came back years later. He finally starts "taking care" of her, which includes doing everything he wants, even if it is against her will, or her morals. This has recently caused her to hate her own father, because of his persistence to control her. Not the kind of hate she has for me. "I hate you. She has had a horrible childhood, forced to grow up far too quickly so she can't enjoy the time she has now. Which is extremely unfortunate. But what is truly amazing is that even in such a hostile environment, and with all her suicide attempts which have been foiled by one person or another. Even with everything she has been through, which would turn any other person into an extremely hostile, unfriendly person. She is still the nicest, kindest, most caring and compassionate person I know. She's my best friend. I love her. I'd do anything for her. I'd die for her if that's what it took. And I'm sure she'd do the same for me. I love her. I hope she escapes her family unscathed. ------- I felt like a rant because of how upset I get about the whole situation. This same friend pointed something out to me. She introduced me to Posterous. Thank you, Linh. ------- And now, I sleep. I have 20 minutes before class. Good day to all readers.

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I just want you company.

This is a special post I figured was necessary, and could only be posted during English on a Tuesday. There'll be no change of colour, or bold, as usual. Just something for everyone that reads this to think about. ------- I just want you company - Linkin Park Ain't nothing working, ain't nothing right There's a whole in me, that I can't fill, no matter how hard I try Hey, hey, hey bartender, hit me with a double And introduce me to that girl with the bobble I'm looking for trouble tonight No momma don't trust me tonight You be the center baby, I'll be the quarter back High get the tail back, watchin all the play back Jaw smash, now heating now rambo Up in the hands all, biting on the cannibal I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me Hey bartender, hit me with another I'm just about how to kill this brother I'm lookin for trouble tonight No momma don't trust me tonight You be the beauty baby, I'll be the beast Who give a fucker, take it to the bedroom Take it to the streets, take it like a man Mother fucker, yo bitch chose me, mother fucker I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me Take me there, take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight Ladies don't trust me tonight Take me there, take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight No you can't trust me tonight Ain't nothing working, ain't nothing right There’s a whole in me, that I can't fill, no matter how hard I try There ain't nothing sweeter, there ain't nothing wrong All the pain that I've received keeps me strong, It keeps me moving on I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, Just come with me (moving on) I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, just come with me I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, just come with me Comfort me, just come with me Comfort me, just come with me ------- I wish I was strong. Strong enough to deal with this. Strong enough to help those that need it. It's easy to wear a mask. Easy to hide behind who we're supposed to be for everyone else. But for some people you can't hide a mask. There's two people I know of that I can't wear a mask for. One that can see through it, most of the time. I can't wear a mask with them, and they know it. ------- The Down Syndrome - Linkin Park People come around People let you down Anywhere you go Anyone you see It's real It's up to you to make it happen It's up to you to make it real And you know how it feels To bleed some, to need some Tell me what you know Tell me how you feel It doesn't matter when you're down when you look at me with your eyes That smile on your face it seems happy Are you happy? ------- I'm not sure any more.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous