I dedicate tonights lyrics to Linh, because I know she's going through a tough time right now. I love you, Linh. Remember that
Broken - Lifehouse
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I'm here for you. You know that.
It will get better.
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I don't know what to say in regards to me. Except I feel lonely again. That's why I'm going to sleep. Then I can stop the pain for a little while, atleast.
I get it; your life sucks more than mine. Your situation sucks worse than mine. But that doesn’t mean you have to bring it up when I need your help. I just need to find a way to get past this. I’m not trying to say you’re better than me. But maybe I should. You’ve dealt with it longer. You’ve handled it better. You’ve found ways to forget it’s even there. I haven’t. You’ve found someone that can make you happy and take care of you the rest of your life. I haven’t. You’ve found someone who looks like that person to hang out with and be with until you’re with him properly. I haven’t. I haven’t done or been able to do any of these things.
You’re gorgeous enough to be asked out. I’m not. I’m not going to be asked out by a random girl. I’m not going to get a date, even if I just fiddle with things, like you do. It won’t happen. I know it won’t. You need to be semi-good looking for that. I’m not. I have a good personality. That’s what wins it over for me. But no girl is going to start flirting with me in a random store, on the street, anywhere; before they get to know me. I’m not good at talking to girls. I’m not. I can’t talk to a random girl and hope they try to continue with the conversation. I can’t talk to a random girl and pray that I say the right things.
Every time I think about it: “What if she gets upset?”, “What if she doesn’t want to talk?”, “What if I say the wrong thing?” and a million other thoughts flood my skull. I get nervous. She’s never seen me try to talk to another girl. She’s never been able to sit there and watch me embarrass myself, before I even move to talk to them. I get sweaty. I hyperventilate. I panic. When I first met Linh, I was panicking on the inside. I was panicking more than I’ve ever panicked before. When I met Shannyn, I was fine. It was over the internet. I’m fine on the internet. Maybe I’ll get a nice e-girlfriend and have a happy e-life, all the while, wallowing in my own misery in the real world.
I can do it on the internet because until they tell me, and provide a picture, and find a way to prove they’re feminine, or A trusted friend has told me other-wise, Everyone on the internet is male. I knew Shannyn wasn’t because Linh told me, but the anonymity provided by the internet made me feel safe. Even when I was talking to Shannyn, I was nervous, anxious, and neurotic. It couldn’t really be helped.
I’m not a football jock who’s always had everything provided for me because I’m good at sports. I’m not the kind of guy who walks around with giant muscles. Mostly because I don’t have them. I’m not the kind of guy that ever will. Those are the kind of guys that get girls. The arrogant, self-confident, cocky assholes who treat the girls like crap, because to them, they’re just another girl. I can’t do that.
When I fall in love, I fall in love for keeps. Even with Linh, I still love her, but it’s changed. I still love Shannyn and there’s no helping that. There’s no stopping it. There’s no way to stop this feeling. It just is. It always will be. I’ve tried getting past this, but it won’t let me. I’m not giving up, though. I’ll find a way. For her.
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I don’t know what to do. I have to validate myself by being in a relationship. I’m needy. I’m clingy. I’m not what a girl would want. I never have been. The next time I get a girl is when I’m in my mid-40’s, living with my parents and she dumps me because my life is so depressing. I won’t find a girl. A girl won’t find me. I’ll be alone for a long time. There’s no stopping it. Who am I kidding? I’ll be alone ‘till I’m dead.
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Listen to me. 17 years old, the back of an 80 year old, having a midlife crisis that won’t end. Next I’ll revert to praying. Please God… Give me a sign. Yeah, like that will ever happen. Either he doesn’t exist, or he just doesn’t care. And thus, we come to the heart of the problem. He just doesn’t care. She just doesn’t care. They just don’t care. For all I know, they never did. They never will. Not about me. (We've moved pass discussions of God here) For all I know, they never will. It's not a choice. It's an acceptance of the way the world is. I don't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. I won't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. The only person I ever thought I could count on was Linh. I knew she'd always be there for me. Even after school. But even that... I'm starting to lose that thought. The thought that she won't be there for me like she has been. The thought that I won't be there for her like I have been. Like it ended up prolonging the inevitable, by only a little bit. Like either way, somethings going to happen. Something big. And I won't be able to handle it. Not without help.
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She's a good friend. How could I ever doubt it? She's my best friend. We love each other. It will be good to go out to the city on Sunday and just... get out. We'll be taking our notes so we can "get some study done", but we both know that won't happen. Hopefully she agrees to be my "wingman" and help me hook up with someone while there.
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I don't know any more. I don't think I want to know any more.
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Lyrics will be posted later. I still don't know what they'll be.
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Wordcount: Over 1,000 words in a single post, without lyrics. That's a new first for me.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
I can't believe it's not Linkin Park lyrics!
I'll post the lyrics, then let out my problems.
----- Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel. I got on LW and saw 1 friend online. It was Shannyn. 1 minute active. It came back again. I'm still not ready. Not for a long time. I want to talk to her. More than anything. I want to be there for her. But not on Livewire. MSN, maybe, if I think I'm ready. But even when she's online on LW, I can't be on. I don't want to fall back in to old patterns. I know she cares about me. I know she sees me as a good friend.
So why does this hurt so much? Why can't I let the pain go? Why can't I move on? I don't know.I don't want her to be my everything. I want to move on. She's not my everything. I can not think about her for a whole day. But the loneliness lingers. I can not be lonely for a whole day. But then on some days it's both. I wish this were easier. I still love her. But I haven't spoken to her for what feels like a long time. I don't want to love her this way any more. It's not fair on her. It's not fair on me. It's not. Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
But the happiness I was in earlier today is gone, once again. I know how much all of you enjoy hearing about an emotionally unstable, depressing 17 year old, so I won't let you all down.
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The loneliness has returned. The incredible pain of having no one. I know what it is. I know why. It's not her fault. I can't help it and niether can she. She's attractive. She is. So of course she was going to be asked out. Sooner or later, it was going to happen. She's lucky like that. I'm not. I'm not good looking enough to get asked out. I won't get asked out. Not based on looks alone. Not by a random girl who thinks I'm cute or attractive. It won't happen that way.
I get by on personality. Even then, I have to get to know the person first. I can't just go up to a random girl and start chatting them up. I'm too shy. I've done it once. Even then, I was nervous as hell. I can't do it again.
I'm a nervous, neurotic, paranoid worrier.
I trust very few people. I can't talk to randoms. If they start talking to me, fine. I can talk to them then. But before then... I can't do it.
I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, and there won't be anything I can do about it.
I don't know any more.
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
