Monday, June 22, 2009

What did I do?

I thought I did something wrong. I'm so pathetic. :( Why must her life revolve around me the same way mine revolves around hers? She doesn't feel the same way about me. She can't. But she will in time. I hope more than anything in the world she does. It isn't you. I know it isn't. You are the single greatest thing to happen to me, with Life coming in a far off second. There is nothing better in my life than you. There never has been. But the pressure builds up and I overreact. I can't stand being away from her. Talking to her fixes everything. Always. But being away from her... It creates a monster. And it tears at me, and eats away at me, leaving me just enough to barely stay alive (but occasionally wish I was dead) before we talk again. Fixing me. Healing me. Scaring away that monster and making everything right again. Only to leave me with the monster again. The longer I'm away from her, the more damage it does. How am I supposed to survive my Vietnam trip? 16 days, most of which I won't be allowed on a computer for. When I'm not out wearing a mask in front of everyone, pretending to be happy, I don't know what's going to happen. And what will happen when I get online and she isn't? I'll have a very limited time frame for talk. I hate this feeling. The clawing getting stronger with every minute. The pain builds up and explodes, before subsiding for another week. I feel like I'm not good enough. And apparently I'm not. You say you don't know how you'll do without me in Vietnam. You say you don't want to ruin the special bond. I don't know what to say or do. The pain I feel. I'm physically shaking. Rocking back and forth. I could have sworn you were the one. I'd give you anything. I'd give you everything. I'd do anything for you. It's not enough. ------ What's the point? Who couldn't see this coming a mile off? Me. I couldn't. I thought you were the one. I almost thought you were my soul mate. What's the point in trying? I literally have nothing. Nothing worth it. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. You were it. For a time. That time is up. Let's see how long I can last...