Yes, another realisation. This time it's different, though. I guess I knew she and I wouldn't work out. We're perfect for each other. But that doesn't mean we'll work out. I knew it because I was too insecure. Too neurotic. Too paranoid. I did almost everything wrong. So while I may love her, I knew we wouldn't work out. Not purely because I did everything wrong. It's not only that. It was also the fact that she was so far away. There was very little chance of us meeting up. There still is very little chance of us meeting up.
I do want to meet her. Just to see if there's a spark when we meet for the first time. If there's anything when we meet for the first time. But I know that if I was given the chance to take the initiative and meet her... I wouldn't. Not because I don't. I know I do. But because I'd be too scared to have to face the fact that maybe she won't feel anything. That maybe I was that bad. It's not that that was my realisation. I've known that for a while. My realisation is an acceptance that I have no chance with her. She could have any guy in the world. Why would she choose me? She wouldn't. She'd pick someone better than me. The buff, attractive, strong, intelligent guy. The guy that is everything I am not.
I'm not stupid. But I'm not fantastically smart, either. I'm not attractive. Girls don't look at me and instantly think how cute I am. I'm not strong. I'm far from strong. Both physically and mentally. I can punch someone as hard as I can and it won't hurt them. I can barely keep myself together. I'm falling apart, little by little everyday. I'm not trying to play the sympathy card. I don't deserve sympathy. I just want to tell the truth. I'm not trying to make everyone feel sorry for me. There are people a lot worse than me, including my best friend, and they'd deserve it more than me. I just want to let this all out. let it all go. Then, maybe, I can find someone who I'll love this much who wants to be with me. I've snapped once. I've come close. But never close enough.
I never want to come close enough. I guess I was a lot like a theist in this sense. Knowing it wasn't real, but every time I was forced to confront it, I'd just put my hands over my ears and start yelling "It's not true! You're lying!" Hoping that this would eventually suppressing the voice of doubt in my mind. But it wasn't enough. It was always there. Always nagging away at me. As much as I love her. It will never be. Not now. Not ever. And that's the hardest thing to deal with. ----- Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Friday, August 7, 2009
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