I don't really know what to say...

 

I never really know what to say. I can't stop thinking about her. I can go for days without thinking about her, but then something happens. Some small, otherwise insignificant event or thought and suddenly she's there. Like a ninja. I still love her. I'll always love her. How could I not? But she's not into guys like me. There was chemistry at the start, but I destroyed the entire concept of that. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. I didn't stop. And it was gone for her. And when I tried to create hope for myself, I just made it worse. Everything I've done has made it worse.

It's not that I'm scared of her now. It's not that. It's that I'm scared of myself when I'm around her. That I might, again, make things worse. And for that reason, I get terrified when I see her online on LW. I panic, and the pain comes back. The heartache. I'm not sure if she still reads this.

I want us to be friends. I want her in my life more than anything. But everything she's going through right now... I would do anything for her. I wold trade my life for her mothers if that's what she wanted or needed. I would do anything and everything to keep her happy. But I can't do this. I can't be just a friend, and I hate myself for it. I want to break down and cry because I feel so fucking useless. I can't do anything to make her feel better. I can't do anything to help. I can't do anything for her. I can't do anything.

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Today's lyrics are from a Linkin Park song I didn't know I had.

 

No Roads Left - Linkin Park

Standing alone with no direction How did I fall so far behind? Why Am I searching for perfection? Knowing it's something I won't find

In my fear and flaws I let myself down again All because

[Chorus] I run Till the silence splits me open I run Till it puts me underground Till I have no breath And no roads left but one

When did I lose my sense of purpose? Can I regain what's lost inside? Why do I feel like I deserve this? Why does my pain look like my pride?

In my fear and flaws I let myself down again All because I let myself down In my fear and flaws

[Chorus] I run Till the silence splits me open I run Till it puts me underground Till I have no breath And no roads left but one No roads left but one

In my fear and flaws I let myself down again All because

I run And the silence splits me open I run And it puts me underground But there's no regret And no roads left to run

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I don't know what to do. I have to avoid her, because it's the only thing I can do, but I don't want to. It's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish she could give me a sign, but she's already done that. I wish I had a different sign that could make this all easier. I wish it were easier to let this pain go. To let her go. To accept that there's nothing I can do to help her. But that's not going to happen. The only thing I can try to do is move on.

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I should get back to writing the 3 900 word English essays I don't really understand. I guess I can put on some music or a half decent movie to take my mind off things.

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Erebus Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous