I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I love her.
But I try to hate her, because if I don't, then I will hold on, knowing maybe one day we could be together. One day.
But we can't. We can never be together. Not after what's happened. I said I hated her, because what she did to me was horrible, but it wasn't.
It was human. She was human.
I wanted to hurt her. That's human.
When dealing with a... break up, I guess. I don't know what else to call it. I guess that's what it was, for me any way.
When dealing with a break up, one person feels like crap. They're at the lowest point. Afterwards, they improve.
But they bring down the other person to where they were. And that's what I did.
I force myself to hate her, because I have to let go. It's the only way either of us can be happy. I can't sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy, and I can't ask her to do the same for me.
I know she's not stupid or blind. She just has a lot of stuff to work out.
She wants me to stay away. Not for her. But for me. To get my life back on track.
I'm trying to. I deleted her number from my phone. I remember her email, but I won't use it. I'm not confused. I know what I'm doing. For the first time in a long time, I know what I'm doing. And yes, it's for the greater good. But that doesn't mean I enjoy it now.
It's not easy. But I know it has to be done.
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I, apparently, have a girl here. I'm not sure who that's meant to mean. Sarah? Sure, I hit on her, and make her laugh and everything, but she's more a drinking buddy than a girlfriend. We're too different. I don't think anything could come of it.
Madi... We haven't spoken in 8 months, excluding last night. Madi is incredibly beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Not many girlsmake me do a double take, drop my jaw and stare in amazement at how incredibly, amazingly beautiful they are. But she has. I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful she is.
But she's way out of my league.
Way out of my league.
She is incredibly beautiful, smart, funny. She made me laugh. I think I made her laugh.And we had a cute, flirty moment.
It was great. I don't have it on this computer, but it really was great. I'd love to meet up with her and take her out and even just go on a single date with her. A single date. Just to prove that extremely beautiful girls aren't way out of my league.
I like her. I'm not in love with her. I barely know her. But I would love to get to know her better and see where it leads.
I hope it leads somewhere good...
Let's hope.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
