I'm just thinking about my depression and what it has targetted over the year.
When Linh first broke up with me, I was terrified that I'd die alone.
When Shannyn stopped talking to me for all those months, I was terrified I'd die alone.
I was able to survive that. It would strike once a week, and for the rest of the week, I'd be fine. I'd be fine because I knew I wouldn't die alone. I might not have gotten married. But I wouldn't have been alone as long as I had friends. So my friends started to become seperate of me. That was my doing. I didn't like hanging in the library constantly because I couldn't eat or drink there. So I moved to a new spot. Linh came with me. We had some good times there.
And I think that's why I started to become so dependent on her. Because she became the only one to hang out with me. The only one to talk to me. So my depression became slightly more frequent. With a different agenda. I may never get married, but I could get through it as long as I had Linh. Not my friends. Just Linh. And that wasn't fair on her.
So when she started hanging with other people, I felt like I was losing her. My depression saw it's opening and it struck. It struck hard, and it tried to consume me. It almost did.
I didn't think I could survive anything without Linh. I thought losing Linh would destroy me. And that's why it almost did.
By thinking that losing her would destroy me, I let it almost destroy me. But I am stronger than that.
I can beat this. I will beat this.
