What a day...

I'll give you a run down of my Friday school schedule, followed by what I normally do, followed by what I did today.

Normal Timetable:

Period 1: Spare Period 2: Spare Period 3: IT Period 4: Revolutions Period 5: Revolutions Period 6: Business Management Period 7: English

Regular Timetable:

Period 1: Sleep Period 2: Sleep Period 3: IT Period 4: Revolutions/ Sleep Period 5: Revolutions/ Sleep Period 6: Business Management Period 7: English

Todays Timetable:

Period 1: IT Homework Period 2: Revolutions Study Period 3: IT Period 4: Revolutions SAC Period 5: Revolutions SAC Period 6: Business Management Period 7: English

Not only was it a horrible day... But I feel sleep deprived. It's almost 9:30pm and I'm tired. It ain't right!

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And now... Now my sister is celebrating her birthday (which happened a month ago), with her birthday dinner. This of course means inviting all her friends out for dinner while I stay home and babysit. That translates to I stay home and babysit while April goes out and has fun with her friends. Then brings them back here and has fun with them, while I am inadvertently locked out of all of upstairs, including my bedroom until they leave. The shrieking and the laughing and the yelling and the screaming would drive me insane. Now the internet is down. Shit. I have no entertainment, while my parents and the parents of Aprils friends watch AFL on TV. Lucky break! The girls are leaving the house... sort of. They're going out to the driveway because two more of Aprils friends are meeting them there. Shit.

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Update on today. Linh, although feeling upset and scared and terrified about Brian was feeling much better. Which is always good. I reassured her, I made her feel better as best I could and when that wasn't working I was trying to take her mind off it. I did it as best I could until I got a chance to talk to Brian. To make him feel better about the situation. I think it worked. They're happy again. Linh's feeling heaps better, but the promised Sunday City day has gone to shit. It went to shit before then, because Linh was going to sit at home and feel like shit for the whole day. She didn't think she could handle it. I'm much happier knowing she doesn't want to go because she would rather sit at home and talk to Brian all day. It's very rare that you find love as true and pure as theirs. I'm glad I can help out, and witness it when I can. Just as long as I'm not involved in the sex. I don't want to know about the sex. That's personal, and only they should know about it. I don't know how I went on my Revolutions SAC. I think I did fairly well on what I got completed. I hope I did fairly well on what I completed.

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IMPORTANT UPDATE I have done most of this post in HTML format, rather than Rich Text Editor format. I feel special. Not that kind of special, Linh.

I'm not sure what else there is to say, other than lyrics. But the internet is still down now so I guess I'll have to find another way... I'll find a way. I have an idea.

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I'm not really sure who to dedicate these to. I guess to how Linh felt towards Brian all day yesterday and today. I'm glad she's feeling better.

Whatever it Takes - Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face It kills me that I hurt you this way The worst part is that I didn't even know Now there's a million reasons for you to go But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around I know what's at stake I know that I've let you down And if you give me a chance Believe that I can change I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work You gotta let me inside even though it hurts Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see" She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around

I know that I've let you down And if you give me a chance< br />And give me a break I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt That I'd be lost without you and never find myself Let's hold onto each other above everything else Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes To turn this around I know what's at stake I know I've let you down And if you give me a chance And believe that I can change I'll keep us together whatever it takes

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Jurassic Park is on Cartoon Network. Who does that? It's a kids channel. Never mind that it's now 10:40pm on a Friday night. It was on at 6:00pm. When kids are actually watching it. it's fantastic.

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I guess that's all for now. I'm in an exceptionally good mood. Let's hope it stays that way.

Erebus Pursue the Darkness

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Dedication...

I dedicate tonights lyrics to Linh, because I know she's going through a tough time right now. I love you, Linh. Remember that

Broken - Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain, there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead I still see your reflection inside of my eyes That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain (in the pain), is there healing In your name (in your name) I find meaning So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin') I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day Just to see what you throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain(In the pain) there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

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I'm here for you. You know that.

It will get better.

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I don't know what to say in regards to me. Except I feel lonely again. That's why I'm going to sleep. Then I can stop the pain for a little while, atleast.

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It's not a competition.

I get it; your life sucks more than mine. Your situation sucks worse than mine. But that doesn’t mean you have to bring it up when I need your help. I just need to find a way to get past this. I’m not trying to say you’re better than me. But maybe I should. You’ve dealt with it longer. You’ve handled it better. You’ve found ways to forget it’s even there. I haven’t. You’ve found someone that can make you happy and take care of you the rest of your life. I haven’t. You’ve found someone who looks like that person to hang out with and be with until you’re with him properly. I haven’t. I haven’t done or been able to do any of these things.
You’re gorgeous enough to be asked out. I’m not. I’m not going to be asked out by a random girl. I’m not going to get a date, even if I just fiddle with things, like you do. It won’t happen. I know it won’t. You need to be semi-good looking for that. I’m not. I have a good personality. That’s what wins it over for me. But no girl is going to start flirting with me in a random store, on the street, anywhere; before they get to know me. I’m not good at talking to girls. I’m not. I can’t talk to a random girl and hope they try to continue with the conversation. I can’t talk to a random girl and pray that I say the right things.
Every time I think about it: “What if she gets upset?”, “What if she doesn’t want to talk?”, “What if I say the wrong thing?” and a million other thoughts flood my skull. I get nervous. She’s never seen me try to talk to another girl. She’s never been able to sit there and watch me embarrass myself, before I even move to talk to them. I get sweaty. I hyperventilate. I panic. When I first met Linh, I was panicking on the inside. I was panicking more than I’ve ever panicked before. When I met Shannyn, I was fine. It was over the internet. I’m fine on the internet. Maybe I’ll get a nice e-girlfriend and have a happy e-life, all the while, wallowing in my own misery in the real world.
I can do it on the internet because until they tell me, and provide a picture, and find a way to prove they’re feminine, or A trusted friend has told me other-wise, Everyone on the internet is male. I knew Shannyn wasn’t because Linh told me, but the anonymity provided by the internet made me feel safe. Even when I was talking to Shannyn, I was nervous, anxious, and neurotic. It couldn’t really be helped.
I’m not a football jock who’s always had everything provided for me because I’m good at sports. I’m not the kind of guy who walks around with giant muscles. Mostly because I don’t have them. I’m not the kind of guy that ever will. Those are the kind of guys that get girls. The arrogant, self-confident, cocky assholes who treat the girls like crap, because to them, they’re just another girl. I can’t do that.
When I fall in love, I fall in love for keeps. Even with Linh, I still love her, but it’s changed. I still love Shannyn and there’s no helping that. There’s no stopping it. There’s no way to stop this feeling. It just is. It always will be. I’ve tried getting past this, but it won’t let me. I’m not giving up, though. I’ll find a way. For her.

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I don’t know what to do. I have to validate myself by being in a relationship. I’m needy. I’m clingy. I’m not what a girl would want. I never have been. The next time I get a girl is when I’m in my mid-40’s, living with my parents and she dumps me because my life is so depressing. I won’t find a girl. A girl won’t find me. I’ll be alone for a long time. There’s no stopping it. Who am I kidding? I’ll be alone ‘till I’m dead.

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Listen to me. 17 years old, the back of an 80 year old, having a midlife crisis that won’t end. Next I’ll revert to praying. Please God… Give me a sign. Yeah, like that will ever happen. Either he doesn’t exist, or he just doesn’t care. And thus, we come to the heart of the problem. He just doesn’t care. She just doesn’t care. They just don’t care. For all I know, they never did. They never will. Not about me. (We've moved pass discussions of God here) For all I know, they never will. It's not a choice. It's an acceptance of the way the world is. I don't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. I won't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. The only person I ever thought I could count on was Linh. I knew she'd always be there for me. Even after school. But even that... I'm starting to lose that thought. The thought that she won't be there for me like she has been. The thought that I won't be there for her like I have been. Like it ended up prolonging the inevitable, by only a little bit. Like either way, somethings going to happen. Something big. And I won't be able to handle it. Not without help.

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She's a good friend. How could I ever doubt it? She's my best friend. We love each other. It will be good to go out to the city on Sunday and just... get out. We'll be taking our notes so we can "get some study done", but we both know that won't happen. Hopefully she agrees to be my "wingman" and help me hook up with someone while there.

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I don't know any more. I don't think I want to know any more.

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Lyrics will be posted later. I still don't know what they'll be.

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Wordcount: Over 1,000 words in a single post, without lyrics. That's a new first for me.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Because- Holy Crap!

I can't believe it's not Linkin Park lyrics!

I'll post the lyrics, then let out my problems.

Empty Space - Lifehouse

Too late to hide And too tired to care Take what you’ve left And forget the rest Take what you see Of what’s left of me You know where I’ve been And I don’t want to go there again

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

I’ve been down This road before All that I’ve found Points me right back to you And I’ve watch you move From down below Where do I go from here I guess I’ll find out as I go

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing Until you’re everything I have nothing But an empty space

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Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel. I got on LW and saw 1 friend online. It was Shannyn. 1 minute active. It came back again. I'm still not ready. Not for a long time. I want to talk to her. More than anything. I want to be there for her. But not on Livewire. MSN, maybe, if I think I'm ready. But even when she's online on LW, I can't be on. I don't want to fall back in to old patterns. I know she cares about me. I know she sees me as a good friend. So why does this hurt so much? Why can't I let the pain go? Why can't I move on?

I don't know.I don't want her to be my everything. I want to move on. She's not my everything. I can not think about her for a whole day. But the loneliness lingers. I can not be lonely for a whole day. But then on some days it's both. I wish this were easier. I still love her. But I haven't spoken to her for what feels like a long time. I don't want to love her this way any more. It's not fair on her. It's not fair on me.

It's not.

 

Erebus Pursue the Darkness

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It's been a slow deterioration...

But the happiness I was in earlier today is gone, once again. I know how much all of you enjoy hearing about an emotionally unstable, depressing 17 year old, so I won't let you all down.

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The loneliness has returned. The incredible pain of having no one. I know what it is. I know why. It's not her fault. I can't help it and niether can she. She's attractive. She is. So of course she was going to be asked out. Sooner or later, it was going to happen. She's lucky like that. I'm not. I'm not good looking enough to get asked out. I won't get asked out. Not based on looks alone. Not by a random girl who thinks I'm cute or attractive. It won't happen that way.

I get by on personality. Even then, I have to get to know the person first. I can't just go up to a random girl and start chatting them up. I'm too shy. I've done it once. Even then, I was nervous as hell. I can't do it again.

I'm a nervous, neurotic, paranoid worrier.

I trust very few people. I can't talk to randoms. If they start talking to me, fine. I can talk to them then. But before then... I can't do it.

I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, and there won't be anything I can do about it.

I don't know any more.

 

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Day Three...

English, Period 6. I'm so very over this retarded work. Which I don't do, surprisingly. The teacher isn't here, so I'm going to take advantage of that and do no work... which isn't really taking advantage of it, it's just a normal day, only now I get to listen to music. Lucky me.
 
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Business management SAC today during lunch. Oh joy. I don't know how I went. I worry, though. I know I didn't get full marks. I'm thinking something along the lines of 65%.
 
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Linh's in the city after her UMAT. Sending random messages. She knows what she's getting me for my birthday, but she won't tell me... Bitch. I keep getting random updates. "They have goldfish", "They have R2D2!", "I'm not going to tell you what you're getting for your birthday.". Meany. Although she hasn't sent that last one yet, I know she won't tell me any way.
 
I'm glad she's having fun after such a shitty evening and morning.
 
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So I'm meant to be doing work off a sheet (Not going to happen), or the least I could do is work on on of the essays (I guess...), but I don't want to. I'm not lazy. I am PROCRASTINATION MAN! FIGHTING CRIME 5 MINUTES LATER! I'd make a costume, but if I hold out long enough, I won't have to.
 
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I was reading Biccy's blog today. A small update by Biccy. She mentioned Shannyn and the pain came back. I tried to forget, because I know what remembering brings, and it brought it back today. I'll always remember her. Although we never met, how could I forget her. She had such a huge, resounding effect on me that I can't forget. But I can try not to think about it. I can try, but it can still be triggered off, like it was today. There's always going to be the trigger, with all girls I fall for. It still occasionally happens for Linh, but it's no where near as bad as Shannyn. Linh is easy to deal with it, because it's quick, not too painful, and forgotten soon after it's begun. The pain doesn't linger. It still does with Shannyn.
 
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Our English sub has no clue what she's doing. Doesn't have a proper roster, doesn't remember names, or even try to remember names and faces. She let 6 people walk out of the class and not come back. Not because they stood up and left. They asked to go to the library. She's not a good teacher, and I can understand why.
 
I'm not sure what more to rant about. Or even talk about. I'll blog when I get home.
 
But before I go... I need to think of a signature for my blog. And my email. I'll see what I can work out, and if I can do it online.

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I feel like celebrating.

According to my blogger, I have posted 28 different times this month. Being the 28th. That would normally mean it would average out to about a post a day. For those of you that follow or read this post a lot, you know this isn't true. I post a lot more than that. So what is the reason behind Blogger saying I've only posted 28 times this month? I was in Vietnam. And Cambodia. I missed out on blogging for at least 10 days in a row, while on that trip. ------- So here I am. Period 6 spare on a Tuesday afternoon, after having just spent lunch with my best friend. I'm good. I was horrible this morning, but after hearing... and being told... I became far too angry to feel upset. I was ready to bash the shit out of her Dad. He doesn't realise the effect he's having on her, and what it's doing to her. He's killing her. Not slowly, either. Oh, I know, people use that all the time. "He's killing me", "You're killing me", "They're killing each other". But this isn't one of those joke "I'm going to die" situations. This is very real and very serious. She's needed therapy. She still does sometimes. He used to pay for her, because he's her father. But for him to turn around and call his own daughter "stupid"?! It has undone all the therapy that she's gone through in one fell swoop. And for her grandpa to agree, and when her father gets in a mood where he literaly threatens her life, and is extremely tempted to beat her... She locks herself in a room. It makes her feel safe. It provides protection from someone who can't control themselves like an adult, and relies on his only daughter to do all his work for him. She feels safe in her room as long as the door separates her from her father. So how could her grandfather then unlock the door for him? What kind of family does that to each other? And she does come from a fucked up family. Mother left when she was still a baby, Father dumped her on her grandmother, then came back years later. He finally starts "taking care" of her, which includes doing everything he wants, even if it is against her will, or her morals. This has recently caused her to hate her own father, because of his persistence to control her. Not the kind of hate she has for me. "I hate you. She has had a horrible childhood, forced to grow up far too quickly so she can't enjoy the time she has now. Which is extremely unfortunate. But what is truly amazing is that even in such a hostile environment, and with all her suicide attempts which have been foiled by one person or another. Even with everything she has been through, which would turn any other person into an extremely hostile, unfriendly person. She is still the nicest, kindest, most caring and compassionate person I know. She's my best friend. I love her. I'd do anything for her. I'd die for her if that's what it took. And I'm sure she'd do the same for me. I love her. I hope she escapes her family unscathed. ------- I felt like a rant because of how upset I get about the whole situation. This same friend pointed something out to me. She introduced me to Posterous. Thank you, Linh. ------- And now, I sleep. I have 20 minutes before class. Good day to all readers.

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I just want you company.

This is a special post I figured was necessary, and could only be posted during English on a Tuesday. There'll be no change of colour, or bold, as usual. Just something for everyone that reads this to think about. ------- I just want you company - Linkin Park Ain't nothing working, ain't nothing right There's a whole in me, that I can't fill, no matter how hard I try Hey, hey, hey bartender, hit me with a double And introduce me to that girl with the bobble I'm looking for trouble tonight No momma don't trust me tonight You be the center baby, I'll be the quarter back High get the tail back, watchin all the play back Jaw smash, now heating now rambo Up in the hands all, biting on the cannibal I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me Hey bartender, hit me with another I'm just about how to kill this brother I'm lookin for trouble tonight No momma don't trust me tonight You be the beauty baby, I'll be the beast Who give a fucker, take it to the bedroom Take it to the streets, take it like a man Mother fucker, yo bitch chose me, mother fucker I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me I just want your company I want you to comfort me, just come with me Take me there, take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight Ladies don't trust me tonight Take me there, take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight No you can't trust me tonight Ain't nothing working, ain't nothing right There’s a whole in me, that I can't fill, no matter how hard I try There ain't nothing sweeter, there ain't nothing wrong All the pain that I've received keeps me strong, It keeps me moving on I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, Just come with me (moving on) I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, just come with me I just want your company, I want you to comfort me, just come with me Comfort me, just come with me Comfort me, just come with me ------- I wish I was strong. Strong enough to deal with this. Strong enough to help those that need it. It's easy to wear a mask. Easy to hide behind who we're supposed to be for everyone else. But for some people you can't hide a mask. There's two people I know of that I can't wear a mask for. One that can see through it, most of the time. I can't wear a mask with them, and they know it. ------- The Down Syndrome - Linkin Park People come around People let you down Anywhere you go Anyone you see It's real It's up to you to make it happen It's up to you to make it real And you know how it feels To bleed some, to need some Tell me what you know Tell me how you feel It doesn't matter when you're down when you look at me with your eyes That smile on your face it seems happy Are you happy? ------- I'm not sure any more.

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Monday Eve...

I'm going to keep it brief tonight.

It's an odd sensation to have on a Monday evening. I guess I let it all out last night. But I feel fine. Extraordinarily sleepy, but fine.

Supernatural is awesome, so it helps with the feelings.

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I told my mum what Adam said. Recommending I see the specialist. She's fine, I think. I'm not really sure.

"What do you think of yourself when you're not down." Right now, I'm in an awesome mood. But I'm too tired to think (story of my life).

I'll do it later, for I am: Procrastination Man!

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I'm really not helping my case for being a completely straight guy...

"Biccy: That's a really weird comment for a straight guy to make Ben. Me:I know. Linh's made the same comments. But I only like Jensen Ackles and Hugh Jackman. Biccy: Hmmm.... Only? Only them? Only? Me: Only those males. Shit."

I guess... I have no idea. I know I'm not gay. I prefer women. A lot more to men. I guess I'm... Questioning? I'm straight, but I know hot when I see it. But those two men are the only people I will ever admit it for.

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The following will make Linh feel like shit. Only read if you want to put yourself through that. You've been warned.

Well now I'm depressed. I don't know what I'm doing any more.

I know I haven't done my homework. I know the next few weeks are important. I know more than most people. I don't care anymore. Everything that's been going on in my life lately has affected my ability to work. In class, at home. It doesn't matter.

The last thing I need to be told is that I'm a selfish prick. I'll never change. And it will probably result in my failing of year 12. This leads to the spiral. I'll fail year 12. I won't get into college. I won't be able to get into Uni. I won't get a good job. I won't get a bad job. I'll be stuck living with my parents until I'm 40 and kill myself becaue I'm still so alone, or they die. And that brings on the loneliness.

It wasn't even just the getting pissed at me that hurt. "I'm disappointed in you." That hurt the most.

I've tried to do my essays. I have 400 words for one of them. I have run out of things to say. I have run out of things to write. I'm not even sure I'm doing it correctly. In fact, I'm 100% sure I'm doing it wrong. That's one of the reasons I'm going to fail year 12. I have no idea if I'm doing it correctly or not. I don't know. I feel like everything I do is wrong, because I have no idea what's going on in any of my classes.

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I'm not sure if I've used these lyrics before or not. Regardless, I'm using them.

One stop closer - Linkin Park

I cannot take this anymore Saying everything I've said before All these words they make no sense I found bliss in ignorance Less I hear the less you'll say You'll find that out anyway Just like before Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear Wish I could find a way to disappear All these thoughts, they make no sense I found bliss in ignorance Nothing seems to go away Over and over again Just like before

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

This pretty much explains itself right now.

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I'm going to head to bed now. I might go see Adam tomorrow. Without Linh. And I was doing so well tonight.

I don't know.

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Double English Monday morning.

No Gordon. That's a good thing. Especially since I haven't done my homework. 3 900 word essays over 2 days? Unlikely to get done. They were originally optional. Now they're suddenly compulsory. And I haven't done them. Something tells me I'm going to be stuck at school late every night this week, just to get them done. Fuck that.
 
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Last night was... very odd. I was feeling like shit, said 'good night' to Linh and was ready for sleep when all of a sudden... I don't know. I had a tingling sensation on the outer layer of my skin all down my right side and suddenly... I was being crushed. I was being crushed by my own skin or in my own skin. It was terrifying.
And it wasn't like I was just scared, I shook my arm and it did nothing. Meaning I still felt like I was being crushed. I jolted upright and the sensation disappeared.
It was the weirdest thing I've ever experience. I'd rather not feel like that again. Everything just got so heavy that it crushed me. My thoughts. The whole world. Everything. Everything came rushing down on me and crushed me underneath it's weight.
 
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I'm feeling heaps better as compared to last night. But I know it will be back. It's always back. I'm just surprised it came on so strong last night. I worry for what I'm going to be like tonight. I won't do anything. I'll never do anything. But it hurts so much. It's almost unbearable.
 
I'm going to see Adam about it in period 5. Just means I miss out on another Business Management class.
I don't even know what I'd say. "I have an unhealthy obsession with being lonely and it gets me depressed"? That doesn't sound pathetic at all.
 
I guess I'll get Linh to explain it for me. I don't know. I guess we'll find out.

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Just as I thought I was getting there.

It comes back, crushing me under its weight.

I've always believed everything will be okay. Everything will work out. I'll meet the right girl. I'll be happy. We'll have kids and a nice house and everything will be perfect. So why is it so hard to believe that now? I know the answer. The same way I know that not everyone meets the right girl. Not everyone is happy. Not everyone has kids and a nice house. Not everyone has everything perfect. I know this to be true. People get old and die alone. People get divorced. People starve. People die young. Civilians die in war. There is no 'happily ever after'. Everybody has problems. But I wish there was. God I wish there was. Meet someone. Fall in love. Live together. Get married. Have kids. Die together. Die happy. But that doesn't happen. It never has. The world has never been like that. The world will never be like that. As much as we want it to be, and as much as we work for it to be, it just won't happen. Sure some people find their perfect match. Some people do live happily ever after.

The chances of it happening to me... Impossible to say. If it does happen, the chance of it happening soon... Even harder to say.

I just need to accept that I have very little going for me. Very little that will help me meet the right person. Even less that will help me not drive that person away. I just need to accept that I most likely will grow old and die, alone.

I guess they put it best on Scrubs. "You're born alone, and you damn sure die alone.". I just need to accept that and wait for my time to run out, no matter how long or painful it will get.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around." - Scrubs, again.

It just feels like there's no escape.

Once again, Scrubs tells the truth on how things work.

"Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-----

So here we are again. The lyrics.

What's in the eye - Linkin Park

What's in the eye, can you tell me Watching the time pass me by There's so much locked up inside

Chorus:

Don't go too fast my friend Or you'll lose control Don't go to fast my friend Or you'll lose control What's in the eye that I cannot catch Is it me, I want to know Why it's so hard to let go

Chorus (x2)

What's in the eye? (x2)

Why?

The chorus and that particular line are good advice for me. I went too fast. I lost control. And now... It's hard to let go. I don't want to let go completely. I want to be friends. I want to be more than friends when we meet up IRL. But I'm not guaranteed for that to happen.

I don't even know any more. I know I say that a lot, but I don't. It's just all so disconcerting. There's no way to know. I guess I'll never know for sure. There's just so much.

The only way I can keep up with everything that goes on in my life right now, and probably for a long time to come, is to blog about it. All that does is focus my thoughts, one at a time until it's all out there, for the internet (and the very few people who care enough about me to read this) to see.

Everything just happens so fast. There is no way to control it.

I'm going to be home late everyday this week. I haven't done the three essays. I can't. I'm not motivated enough. I don't know what to write. Although starting with "I don't even know anymore" could lead it up to be a "creative" piece of work about relationship conflict.

Linh might be moving to America to be with Brian. They might be moving there on a permanent basis. And not coming back.

Fine. Just means I have even less to lose. Sure, we'll still be friends. But it won't be anything like it is now. We change on MSN. We can't have as much fun on MSN. We can't enjoy the moment as much on MSN. We can't talk like that on MSN.

Just another friend leaving my life? Far from it. I love her. She's my best friend. Half the time I'd be lost without her.

I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. She was always the one that I could rely on for anything.

She won't be leaving for a while. I'll just have to enjoy the time we get to spend together.

There's so much going on. There's so little I can do to take control. Sometimes it just feels like too much.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

If I start before midnight...

It still counts as posted the day before. Which is always good when I'm trying to make atleast one post per day, lyrics included, relevance outlined.

Today was shit.

Early morning for Soccer. I have a shower, get dressed, get ready for soccer. We show up at Trinity college. I walked around the entire school for 25 minutes looking for the oval. The coach. I team-mate. Anything. We found nothing. So 10 minutes after the game would have started, we left. Came home. Early morning for nothing. We got home, and Matt and Ness were very hungover.

Hilarious. I set the dogs on them. It was great. Then I played Gamecube all day.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. I have nothing else to do, so I play video games.

Is that what I really want to do, though? Sure it's fun but it's not... I don't know the word.

Then Richard came over before we went and saw "The hangover". Funny movie.

Then there was the ride home. I can't be fucked recounting what happened. It was funny. I'll do it when I'm more awake.

Something, something, something.

I'm too tired, leave me alone.

-----

Lyrics:

Dedicated (Demo 1999) - Linkin Park

I have a dream of a scene between the green hills
Clouds pull away and the sunlight's revealed
People don't talk about keeping it real
It's understood that they actually will
And intoxicated and stimulated emcees
Staring in the trees, paranoid, are gone in the breeze
Watch them flee, hip-hop hits
Take a walk with me and what you'll see
Is a land where the sand is made up of crushed up wax
And the sky beyond you is krylon blue
And everybody speaks in a dialect of rhyme
And emcees have left materialism behind them
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

I've seen a lot of shit, I've talked to a bum
Out on sunset strip, he asked me How would you feel
If everybody acted like you didn't exist
You'd lose your grip, probably eventually flip.
So let it be known, the only reason that we do this
Is so you can pick it up and just bang your head to it
While emcees fight to see who can be the commonest
Be floatin overhead like a space odyssey monolith
Over seeing the game, over being part of the same ol' thing
It's all gonna change in a hurricane of darkness and pain
And acidic rain and promises that you won't do it again
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide
Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

This is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real, everybody who doesn't feel safe
What's real, everybody who knows they're out of place
What's real, anybody with nowhere to run
Who hides in the shadows waiting for the sun

This isn't exactly relevant to my life... I just think it's a really good song. Shows how messed up most rappers these days are just selling out instantly.

-----

I guess I better head off to bed. I'm tired. I have to make up my bed first. Ugh.

-----

I know you're planning your wedding. I have fun helping out. What gets me down is that you've found the one person you can plan your wedding for. I haven't. And I'm terrified that I never will. If not never, then not soon. Not for a long time. And I hate that. I just want to find the right girl. I don't want to wait. I just want her to be there for me. But it won't happen. Not for a long time.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I have a headache.

Not the regular kind of headache either.

The kind of headache that only comes along when thoughts are racing around, crushing me inside my only skull.

It's extremely inconvenient.

-----

It's subsided.

Now I'm getting all the lyrics for different songs on iTunes, using "GimmeSomeTune". It's a pretty good program, and means next time I want to post song lyrics, I use that instead of searching for lyrics through google.

I guess now is as good a time as any to tell everyone that today during lunch, after having a fantastic time messing around with Linh (meaning she abused me), I got depressed.
I was just thinking. The first girl I fell in love with left me because I fucked up. I know it wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the reasons. Then the next girl I fell in love with had a brief amount of time to be interested in me before I destroyed it. Now I'm alone for however long it takes.
For some stupid reason it seems like I've had my chances and lost them.
It's stupid and it make no sense. I'll have other chances. I know I will. So why don't I actually believe it?

-----

Pokemon. I haven't watched that show in ages. Seems like the only decent thing other than Law & Order is Pokemon: The First Movie. I guess I'll have fun watching.

-----

In other news, Matt's working on a play tonight. He took one of his old Haileybury friends and one of the girls from TAFE or something. So Matt and Ness are gonna come home soon and get drunk. That will be enjoyable to watch.

-----

I guess it's time to add another song.

By_Myslf - Linkin Park

Myself
Myself

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again

By myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself

I can't look around
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

By myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself

I can't look around
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)

Don't you, Don't you, Don't you, Don't you
Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

I feel like I'm stuck on the outside at school. In my life. Linh's the only one who cares where I am. The only one who makes an effort to see me at school. Steve's the only one who makes an effort to see me outside of school. That makes a total of two really close friends. The others couldn't care less if I didn't show up to school for 3 days straight. Linh would panic in the first day. Steve wouldn't know. We don't talk much. We don't have much to talk about. But he's still one of those guys that would know. He'd find out. He's a great guy. I think one of the problems I have with him is that he's male. It's not his fault. I've just always had a problem opening up to guys. Showing weakness. He wouldn't take advantage of that, I know it. But every other guy I've known, including Richard, has taken advantage of it. Bullied me for being emotional. We just need to sit down and have a good long chat about everything.
I let Linh in. She knows everything about me. Even stuff she didn't want to know. It shouldn't be that hard to let Steve in as well, as long as we start off with a good chat. That's always how it starts with me.

-----

I was going to dedicate a song to Linh, but I can't find the one I was going to use. Son of a bitch.

Oh well. Guess I'll just have to put in our favourite conjoined song. The one we yelled out as we walked to Red Rooster from school.

The East has stolen what the West may want - Moneen

August 1961 stole
The taste of freedom
The life i used to know
16 long years to wait and wonder
Did she make it? Safely make it? Is she still alive?
If she's still breathing then I'm still waiting.
No hope in love.

Scream at the thought, it's not ok
And you dream of the day that she'll be here.

I still remember the last note you sent.
Eight simple words said
"No hope in love, no hope in waiting"
No hope in hell that I'll stop waiting, that I'll stop loving you.

If you still loved him, you'd wait for him.
No hope in love.

Scream at the thought, it's not ok.
And you dream of the day she'll be here.
And your last dying wish would be to see her one last time
When the wall came down.

Scream at the thought.
No hope.

Scream at the last thing you said.
There's no hope in love it's just inside your head.

-----

Guess there's no Rock Climbing for another 3 weeks. Steve messed up his foot, then he's got skiing the week after. It sucks, but we'll get there eventually.

-----

I guess I'm on my own for now. Everyones gone to bed. Everyone except me. I'm tired, but sleep eludes me.

-----

I just need to get used to being alone. The cat won't sleep in my bed any more. Shannyn doesn't want to be with me. My entire relationship with Linh has changed, and I'd rather not go back to what it was when we were dating.

I just need to accept that I'll be alone for a while. I'm not attractive. I'm not that smart. I try to be funny and fail, horribly. Granted, I have my moments, but they're few and far between. I'm not good at sport. I'm not good at playing an instrument. I have very little going for me. I don't know how I got Linh to accept (asking 10 times, getting rejected 9. She probably just got sick of saying 'no' so said yes, to shut me up.). I don't know what Shannyn saw in me before I completely destroyed that. The only thing I'm good with is making random pictures in Photoshop. No ones ever going to be interested in those. I won't make a living off those. I've got nothing to look forward to. And I hate that. It's like having a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 17. It's just down right depressing.

-----

I better go. I have soccer at 10am and it's almost 1am. Let's see how well I play.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Before I fall asleep.

I remembered I hadn't posted a set of song lyrics, or pointed out their relevance to my life. So here we go.

From the Inside - Linkin Park
I don't know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies

Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

I'll take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear
For the last time
I won't trust myself with you

Tension is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me

I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You

There were never lies. Not to her. I don't lie to the people I love. I won't lie to the people I love.
It didn't matter what happened. I would have trusted myself with her. Always.
But it couldn't be.
As upsetting as it is to say, it may never be. It's just a reality I have to face.

We all uncover an unwanted truth, or are forced to face a reality we'd honestly rather not.
When this happens, there's not much we can do about it, except deal with it and try to move on.
Some truths and realities are easier to face than others, but they must be faced.
I only hope that any others that are forced to face some of the more painful realities are not forced to face them alone.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Eating dip, watching Kane

Not nearly as fun as it sounds, honestly.

Although Copperpot dip... I have yet to find a dip i won't eat from them. Even the ones I wouldn't normally eat.
Guacamole, for instance. I usually wouldn't eat that, unless it was smothering nachos, smothered in cheese and salsa and sourcream and I feel like nachos now. Damn.
I will admit, this Guacamole was not just guacamole. It was a dual dip. The bulk was guacamole and glazed lightly across the top was spicy salsa... It was the best damn guacamole dip I've ever had.
Which raises the tzatziki. I love tzatziki dip. Copperpot also makes the greatest tzatziki dip I've ever tasted. Unfortunately we can only get it in 3 mini dip packets, rather than one large packet.
I plan on making the guacamole and comparing. Complete with home-made spicy salsa to be drenched over the top, in all its deliciousness.

<br>

And here we come to Citizen Kane.

I found it to be quite interesting. Right up until I finished eating and had to start actually paying attention.

He is a bastard. A real bastard. A chocolate coated bastard with bastard filling.

Although he does throw a tantrum pretty well. In the last 15 minutes or so.

This has got to be one of the most dull and boring movies I've ever seen. Not because there's no special effects or anything. It's just really, really boring.
I'm not entirely sure how we're meant to get so many notes.
Then again I guess I didn't read enough into it. It's so boring I'm not sure I want to.

<br>

It feels very odd... It's 11pm and I have no one to talk to on MSN. It's... not right. Linh went for a "brief nap" at about 9:30, most of my friends are in bed... The only other person I would like to talk to isn't online. Even if she were, I don't think I'd be talking to her for very long. I'm way too tired after that mind numbing drivel.
I don't want to mess things up with her again. She needs my support, I plan on giving it to her. She doesn't want me to be romantic then I have no other choice.
It's a struggle, but it's necessary.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Son of a bitch.

Why do I get like this?
How do I get like this?
Why do I let myself get like this?
 
It just sort of happens.
 
First I get angry, then something slips in my mind and all of a sudden... this.
 
There's no escape. There never was.
 
I was a fool for thinking I could get away.
 
I was getting better. I was almost fine. I still thought about her and got upset, but it was no where near this bad.
 
And now I'm back. It's back.
 
We are, each and every one of us, our own worst enemies. No one can do damage to us and equal what we can do to ourselves. - Ben Sanderson
 
I need someone to talk to.
 
Someone I can trust.
 
It can't be Linh. I can trust her. I can tell her anything. But she gets upset enough as it is. I don't want to make that worse. It's not my job.
 
Doors are shut for a reason.
Privacy. Sanctuary. Comfort.
It's not so much the cold that I don't want in here. It's the people. I'm not in the mood to talk to people. I'm not in the mood to deal with people. Especially stupid people, which this school seems to possess an insurmountable number of.
The door is obviously locked. Running into it and bashing on it as hard as you can will not make it magically swing open.
 
I don't know any more. I'm just very confused right now.
 
I guess I'll head off to English and try to make more sense there.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Wow... God dammit.

I sent it. It didn't send because my mailbox was too full.
I emptied my mailbox and sent it again. It didn't send because my login wasn't current.
I logged in. I lost everything I'd typed.
God fucking dammit.
 
I had a whole angry rant about the Library bitch and my laptop bag and Semra.
 
Now I need to carry my laptop out to my bag at the front of the library, because I'm not allowed to bring it in any more. As of now.
 
Never had a problem with it before.
 
Apparently the difference between a $15 book and a $3,000 laptop, with 3 years worth of work on it is a lot smaller than I originally thought.
 
What a bitch.
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906
 
www.haileybury.vic.edu.au
 
Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Well... Shit.

It's really inconvenient.

I got out. I'm trying.

I'm not past this.

How did it come to this?

It's not easy, but it gets a little easier everytime.

I want us to be friends as long as we can't be together. We can't be together so I want us to be friends.

I still want to go up to Darwin for my birthday, but I can't.

I don't want to make things worse. I don't want to fall back in to old patterns.

I can't. I can't afford to.

If I ever start to get like that I just need to stop. I just need to stop. Let her know that I can't talk to her if I start falling back into old patterns. If I start making her uncomfortable.

I have to let her know. But how?

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Wall-E

I don't care that it's meant to be a kids movie.
 
I don't care that it's out of sync for most of it, on my computer.
 
I don't care that it has a huge "Evaluation Copy" water-mark splashed across the front of it.
 
It's still one of the greatest animated movies of our time.
 
And I still want to cry throughout the entire last half our of it.
 
It's such a sad movie. :(
 
Probably better not watch it in the library again, where I have to keep pausing so I don't burst into tears and get weird looks.
 
Poor EVE. Poor Wall-E. Poor cockroach (This may very well be the only time I ever say that).
 
Wall-E did nothing wrong and he gets attacked for it and almost completely destroyed to the point of having his memory banks wiped.
 
I wouldn't mind a real copy, that doesn't have "Evaluation Copy" splashed across the front. And having it in sync would be sort of nice as well.
 
Doesn't really matter, I guess. Still makes me want to cry.
 
-----
 
That raises another point...
 
The last time I wanted to cry during a movie after Wall-E was in Bolt.
 
Why do I only get sad at Disney animated movies?
 
I feel sad during normal movies, but not to the point of crying. That's only reserved for Disney animated movies.
 
(I think there's something wrong with me)
 
-----
 
Which leads us to another lyrically attuned blog post this week, although I decided to scrap the idea of making it completely random. (And here I was thinking I'd have nothing to say, hence the lyrics. Guess I proved myself wrong.)
 
Papercut - Linkin Park
 
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin
 
(Chorus)
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
 
I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin
 
(Chorus x2)
 
It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin
 
The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)
 
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me (Repeat until end)
 
Chorus (Repeat until end) -----
 
Lunch was delicious. For Canteen food. Poorly constructed Shepherd's Pie.
 
I guess we need to go back to watching Wall-E again. :D
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906
 
www.haileybury.vic.edu.au
 
Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

My first posterous email post.

Well isn't this exciting?
 
Not as much as I thought.
 
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I have been asked to make a complete recount of every day for the trip from Vietnam to Cambodia. Much easier to do since I've already done it for myself. I just need to change it so I actually remember what happened on days 4 and 7. It's not that I don't specifically remember those days... They just appear to have merged into other days. So much happened it's hard to believe we've been back for a week. Not only that, but it's hard to believe we were away for two weeks.
 
-----
 
As many of you may notice (the only possible person that reads this blog), I am reusing my wordpress blog. Hooray for wordpress?
 
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I'm meant to be studying for an IT SAC, which I have tomorrow. Like I'm actually going to do that. I'm not doing so great in any of my classes. I would have thought IT was possibly my best, but I'm at the bottom of the class.
I would have then thought Business Management is my best, I'm stuck in the middle for it. And we have a lot of smart people doing it, so I'm moved further down by them. Closer to the bottom than the top.
Revolutions is no competition. I'm easily the worst person in the class. Failing horribly and bringing everybody else down.
English is my only hope. I'm not at the top, but I'm not at the bottom. People I'd expect to beat, are doing better than me.
 
I have no motivation. I'm sick of school. I'm ready for it to end, now.
The only person I'm going to stay in contact with once it ends would be Linh and possibly Steve. Every one else is going to go off and do their own thing.
I trust I'll stay friends with Linh after school. We talk constantly during the holidays. We're best friends. She'd do her best to save me if I needed it, and I have in the past.
I do my best to save her, which she's needed.
 
I've been there for her, even at the worst of times. She's been there for me at the worst of times.
 
We'll always be friends.
 
-----
 
I'm still not ready, but I am lonely. I still think of her, and I still can't go on LiveWire. I'm still not ready. not yet.
 
-----
 
I spoke to Manov yesterday. I wasn't expecting to see him so soon after the trip. He overheard me talking about her, and how I felt about her. He wanted to know how it was with her. "Didn't work out" is a bit of an understatement. But that's just for now.
 
Things will improve. We'll be friends. I'll find the right girl. Eventually. It will just take Time.
 
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906
 
www.haileybury.vic.edu.au
 
Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

New header.

As the one of you that reads my blog will notice, even though you already know, since you helped me work on it, I have a new header. I like it. ----- Sarah's boyfriend broke up with her, at the worst possible time. She's had 3 friends die in the last 2 months, one in the last week. We're two completely different people, and I think if we'd met under different circumstances, I'd hate her. She's one of the girls that goes to parties every week, gets drunk, has a lot of friends and would never hang out with me. I have very few friends, with only one I can truly count on. I don't go to parties. I don't drink. And yet, we're somewhat friends. I want to help her. I'm better at that in real life. Everytime I try to meet her, to help her, she makes some excuse to avoid me. I'm beginning to think she just doesn't want to meet me, which is a shame. I'm not into her that way or anything. We're too different. We don't have enough common interests. But I still want to meet her. ----- I over think things. This will be my first song post since the start of school. Hands Held High - Linkin Park Turn my mike up louder I got to say something Light weights step to the side when we come in Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping People on the street they panic and start running Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping Risk something, take back what's yours Say something that you know they might attack you for Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for Like this war's really just a different brand of war Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor Like they understand you in the back of the jet When you can't put gas in your tank These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque Asking you to have compassion and have some respect For a leader so nervous in an obvious way Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day In their living room laughing like "what did he say?" [Chorus:] Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen In my living room watching but I am not laughing Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen World is cold the bold men take action Have to react or get blown into fractions Ten years old it's something to see Another kid my age drugged under a jeep Taken and bound and found later under a tree I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me Do you see the soldiers they're out today They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away It's ironic at times like this you pray But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads Inside your market, your shops, your clothes My dad he's got a lot of fear I know But enough pride inside not to let that show My brother had a book he would hold with pride A little red cover with a broken spine On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside When the rich wage war it's the poor who die Meanwhile, the leader just talks away Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day both scared and angry like "what did he say?" [Chorus x6] With hands held high into the sky so blue, As the ocean opens up to swallow you. I over think things because I have thought through every possible different meaning for every different word through out the entire song. I'd explain it, but it's not as exciting as the song makes it sound. ----- I hate feeling like this. It can't be helped, but it's part of the reason I'm not ready yet. I'll be ready soon. Just not yet.

First day back...

Better than expected, honestly. Other than the homework I didn't do, starting Citizen Kane in English and waiting for IT to start. Linh's been getting better, but only because of Tramadol. At least she remembers this time, unlike the last anti-depressants she took, where everything after she came down from her 'high' was blank. Which is upsetting, because she was a lot more fun then. ----- Talking to Brian helps with what pain remains. I know she hates him. I know she wants to put a stop to him and Linh. But I know if she stopped, and listened to him now. Listened to how he's helped me. How he's helped Linh. She might change her mind. Transcript: Ben: I've been thinking lately. Brian: Have you been? I'm proud of you. ;) Ben: Hahaha. Ben: One of the reasons I've been getting down lately, and feeling lonely, is because I'm still recovering from Shannyn. Ben: She still has a sort of hold over me. Ben: I spoke to her yesterday to find out where I was up to, and it felt like I was ready, but I went on LW earlier today and I'm not. Brian: I know. Brian: Just be patient. Ben: I'm slowly getting there, but it will be a while before I'm properly ready. Brian: Remember, it's okay to be sad, to be down. It's not okay to think that the world is ending. Brian: Be patient, and good things will come. Ben: I don't think the world is ending any more. Ben: Yeah, we talked about that. Ben: Time heals all wounds. Ben: Be patient and Time will provide. Now I feel like an idiot for attempting to shutdown my religious following of Timeism. But it's not really worth setting it up again. We didn't have enough followers. I may be setting up a posterous account, to make posting easier on all my blogs. Including my old Wordpress one. ----- I'm not ready. Not yet. I'm almost there, but not quite. Soon, hopefully. ----- Today in Assembly, we had a song played by one of the students and the orchestra. I can't remember the name, but it was very... Spanish. Now when I listen to music, I see images. I see pictures. I see a video. A clip of what the song should be played to. This song was very sad. I saw a death. Suicide. A lover, left alone. A funeral for the victim. The lover again, distraught. Throwing a tantrum at the funeral. Contemplating suicide. At the edge of the cliff, she realises she shouldn't. She can't. She turns around to leave, and the cliff crumbles. She is left hanging onto the cliff. Her best friend runs and pulls her up. Saves her. He tells her family. Everybody gets upset at her. She is left alone again. She meets someone. She begins to fall in love with him. She lets go of the one that died. She moves on. It was brilliantly played. ----- Posted when I got home.

I can't think about it.

I don't know why she keeps coming back. She won't leave my mind alone. I can't think about her. And yet, occasionally, my mind wanders to her logging on. I begin planning conversations, the same way I began planning our first meeting. And it's tormenting. It's horrible. I want to talk to her. But doing so would be too painful. It will be a while before we can talk without the pain. I'm not even sure what I'm doing any more. Everything seems to serve as a constant reminder that I'm alone. And will be alone for a long time. That's not to say I'll be alone forever, just that I'll be alone for a while. Everyone says to wait until university or college. "You'll meet someone." I'm taking a gap year. I won't be going to college or university for another year and a bit. So I might find someone else before then. But they won't be like her. Such similar interests? Doubtful. As pretty? Even more doubtful. Wants to actually spend time with me? That's asking too much, according to the cosmos. If I am lucky, which I hope I am, then please, let us meet. But until then, don't torment me with perfections that won't or can't be delivered. ----- On a completely different note, TV at 1am on a Sunday morning. There may be only cartoon shows like Spongebob Squarepants on, but they have more pop culture references than I would have imagined. Ones that small children that usually watch these shows would understand. "Crossing the beams" - Ghostbusters. Full Metal Jacket episode. Indiana Jones references. It almost doesn't end. The writers have decided to make this as entertaining for parents that are forced to watch it with their kids as possible. Kudos. It's now 1:15am. I should probably go to bed now. I'm really tired. Night. Or morning. I'm not sure any more.

The truth.

She logged on today. She didn't message me. I knew she wouldn't. Not because I'm a defeatist, but because it's the truth. There's too much room for me to make mistakes. There's too many ways I can fuck up again. I'm not ready. I may not be ready for a very long time. And she knows that. She knows by talking to me before I'm ready... It will make things worse. It's difficult, but necessary. I've decided, once school starts, I'll listen to my ipod on shuffle. The 15th song to come on, I find the lyrics for and bold the lines that were most relevant to my day. For some songs it will be very vague, or I'll have to explain it and it will be very confusing. Or it will just be a very random song put in the middle of my post. I guess we'll find out how things turn out.

Hardest thing I've done.

I don't know why, but she logged on last night. It was like my last test. I couldn't message her. I wasn't allowed. I wanted to. More than anything else, I wanted to. Part of me was screaming "MESSAGE HER!" while the rest was screaming "DON'T!". I know she reads this blog. She told me. So she knows what's going on in my life and mind. But I don't know what's going on in hers. I don't know what's worse. Being so unsure of the situation, or knowing that I can't ask her. She didn't message me. I knew she wouldn't. She's got too much going on in her life to worry about me. I want to make sure she's okay. I want to make sure she'll be okay. I need to know that she'll be able to cope. -------- Last night, something happened. I bought a little wooden skull in Vietnam. It sits on the right hand side of my bed on my bedside table. My laptop sits on the left hand side of my bed, on my desk chair, at night. So then why did I wake up and have the skull on my laptop, beneath the keyboard, on the right of the touchpad. Right where I put everything that I'll need in the morning, such as my phone. How did it get there? What was I doing last night? It's 5:40am. Somehow, I've been awake for 40 minutes. Paintball today, Rock climbing tomorrow. And she's still the most prominent thing on my mind. I need an escape. But there isn't one. I might be feeling better about myself at times, but I still get down. And it hurts. I hope everyone that reads this has an enjoyable... something.

So I guess this is it.

Tonight I saw HP6. Brilliant movie. Much better than expected. As much as it cut out, it kept the important bits and changed a lot of things. I was scared because I was told that they cut out too much and it was horrible and "How could Rowling be happy with that movie?". I'll tell you she could be happy with that... Because it was a brilliant movie. Shannyn... Yes I miss her. Yes I want to talk to her. But I had a revelation... She broke my heart. I can't change that. I can't fix it. I can't change her mind. So why should I make myself feel like shit for that? Yes I feel like shit. But she won't take me back. She needs to take care of herself. I hope she can. That said if she ever comes down to Melbourne, which I hope she does, I will welcome her with arms wide open. I need to get past this. It still hurts. But it needs to be done. Adding a random thought. Everyone says "Don't worry.". I'm beginning to think that particular term is dramatically overused. Maybe I wasn't worried. Maybe I was just curious. Any way. As much as it pains me to say this. Shannyn did the right thing. I do hope our paths cross again. I do hope we meet up. I do hope I get a second chance. But it will be a long time before that happens. I have to go. Paintball early tomorrow morning. Not fun, but it's paintball.

Two dreams in one.

The first dream was truly amazing. We were on a school trip or something, similar to my Vietnam/Cambodia trip, except she was on it as well. We were stopped somewhere at the top of a small valley for lunch. Shannyn and I walked down to the bottom of the valley and just lay down next to each other and just talked for hours, about everything. She felt better about everything. The chemistry came back for her and everything was perfect. We hugged. We held each other. It was tangible. It was right. But then I woke up and was thrown into a second dream, similar to the first. We were on a trip together. Separate rooms. I didn't even realise she was there until towards the end. I saw her. I knew it was her. She was heading upstairs after lunch again. I called out for her to wait for me so we could talk. Talk about everything. Make her feel better about everything. Let her know I was worried about her mum as well. But that wasn't what happened. I called out to her and ran upstairs. I thought she'd gone up the next set of stairs, so I put my head down and kept going. Straight past her. She wasn't happy about that. She got pissed at me. I tried to apologise. I tried to tell her I was worried. It had no effect. She just got angrier and angrier at me until I gave up. Knowing me it would have been the second dream IRL and I would have just made things worse and worse for her. I'm a horrible person. I can't do anything right. She deserves the best of the best and no matter what I do, I know I can't give it to her. And that's what makes this that much more painful.

Killing me slowly.

The distance. The need to communicate. The need to be with her. The need to know that she's okay. That she's coping okay. I tried to distract her. To protect her. To take her mind off everything else and give her happiness for the brief time we had together. I managed to fuck that up pretty well. And now I'm here trying to cheer myself up. Good to know Linh can help with that every know and then. I don't know if it makes me a horrible person for laughing so hard at it, but it's really fucking cute. Not my fault. I do love her. I miss her more than anything. The past few days have been the most painful thing I've ever had to experience. I honestly don't know how I've coped. Failbog.org has helped. But even that reminds me of her. I tried to play L4D and had to stop because I was almost crying. I was playing L4D when she sent me that first message. I can't even play games any more. I can't do anything without being reminded of her. Her perfect face. Her angelic voice. Her beauty. There's no escape. The only way I've been able to cope is by consistently telling myself "She never want to be with you. She never loved you. She never cared about you. It was all your fault." It was mostly my fault. I don't know what to do. Everything reminds me of her. Everything sends me back. Everything calls for me to talk to her. To call her, at the very least. I don't want to hold on if I'll be nothing more than a friend for the rest of my life with her. But it feels like I don't have a choice. I just wish I'd given her the space she needed when I had the chance, rather than the space she can barely find a use for, when it's too late. I just wish she'd reach out to me. E-mail. Comment. Facebook. Send the first MSN message. But I get the feeling that isn't going to happen any time soon.

Song lyrics.

The perfect song for me. I'll make the relevant parts bold so it's easier to understand. Faint - Linkin Park: I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact That everyone can see these scars I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel But it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident 'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can But sometimes I don't make sense I am what you never want to say but I've never Had a doubt, it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored No, hear me out now, you're gonna listen to me Like it or not, right now, hear me out now You're gonna listen to me like it or not, right now I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I can't feel, I won't be ignored, time won't heal Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I'm just lost in a world of nothing. No motivation. No energy. I try to vent and my mind just gets more thoughts until it feels like there's no escape. No. There is an escape. I know the escape. The mental pain can only have one relief. But I refuse. Because I know people that have taken that option. The ones that managed to escape the option itself have told me it's a bad idea. And the scars would never go away. A lifelong reminder of what I did. As if I don't have enough of those already. The only escape is no escape at all. Just a different pain. I won't go through with it. But then another option presents itself. And this option seems like a better idea. It would provide an escape for everybody. I've done nothing but cause pain and suffering wherever I've gone. When my parents found out about my suicidal thoughts, my mum broke down and cried. She couldn't handle it. I've been a disappointment my entire life. Never been great at sports. Never even been good at sports. Never been a high achiever. Never done overly well in classes. I got a High Distinction in year 5 then struggled through year 6. Year 9 was a fiasco. Year 10 wasn't any better. Year 11 started to pick up. And now, here I am in year 12. Struggling through, convinced that, not only will I be alone for the rest of my life, but that I'll also be that guy. The one the flunks out of university, lives with his parents until he's 40 or they die, and just generally fails at life. And if I'm not living with my parents, it will be because they bought me an apartment and pay for all my stuff any way. The final option begins to look like a more and more promising escape from my life. For everybody. But I couldn't do it. Not only could I not put them through the pain of it, but I know I'm destined to live out the rest of my life, a drain on society. So here's another LP song. Once again, the relevant parts are in bold. Given Up - Linkin Park: Wake in a sweat again Another day's been laid to waste In my disgrace Stuck in my head again Feels like I'll never leave this place There's no escape I'm my own worst enemy I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? I don't know what to take Thought I was focused but I'm scared I'm not prepared I hyperventilate Looking for hope somehow somewhere And no one cares I'm my own worst enemy I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? God! Put me out of my misery Put me out of my misery Put me out of my Put me out of my fucking misery! I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? There was also a line from Watchmen. It was a horrible movie, but one line stuck with me. 'I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."' I find that very relevant. I've always been the happy, easy-going guy. I still am. When I'm with my friends. But alone... Well... "I am Pagliacci." I've been getting worse and worse. I certainly picked up before the end of school. On the trip I was too distracted to notice. Too busy. But now. Left alone to my thoughts... "I am Pagliacci.". My only choice is to leave her alone. Not talk to her. Let her sort things out for herself. If she wants to talk, fine. She can message me. She can unload on me. But I won't be making an effort any more. There's nothing else I can do. I just hope she starts to feel different about me. Soon. I had another dream this morning. Most of it has faded, but enough is still clear for the damage to be done. All I remember is meeting up with Shannyn. At her house. The first thing she said to me was "Can you hold on for 5 minutes? My husband and I have to hang up some curtains." It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. My first nightmare in a long time. The pain ripped through me. And I woke up. Waking up like that. Especially when my mind was overflowing and clogged and it just got worse and worse until I found only one option. Drown them out. It was too early to drown them out this morning. Even with head phones. I tried waiting until a better time, but I was told off for having my music too load. It's beginning to feel more and more like there's no escape. I look for hope, but there's nothing. Stuck in my head. There's no escape. I'm not prepared. No one cares. I'm my own worst enemy. I've said all I can for now.

Will I really be okay?

I don't know. And this has been one of the main problems in our relationship from the start. I feel fine talking to her. I feel better than fine. But a little while after the conversation... I don't know what happens. The truth comes back to haunt me, I guess. I have a tiny, insignificant chance with her IRL if I play my cards right. I know I won't. I'll keep making mistakes. Keep fucking things up. Try to fix things. Make things worse. Why does she do this to me? Why do I let her do this to me? How can I continue? Why did I call her? What did it achieve? More false hope that will eventually break my heart even more. False hope for me to hold on to. False hope for me to use as a basis to make things worse. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? I still love her and it will be a long time before that ends. It may never end. I still believe we're perfect for each other. Why? Because we have similar interests? Because I don't know when to stop? Because I'm too stupid to understand that "no" actually does mean "no"? She makes an escape, and it hurts me. She gives me an ultimatum, and it hurts me. But still I find a way to hold on. And I know I will hold on. We were together for one week. One week, before the pain. I managed to hold on. And it led to this. To the point of not being able to get an erection for any one else. To not being able to think of anyone else romantically because she has my complete attention. If I masturbate it is only to the things that we have "done" in the past. It used to be things I had done in the past and I would just imagine it was with her. that doesn't work any more. There were two instances of it being with her. They weren't real. But they were amazing. How can something that wasn't real be so incredible? I'm beginning to think there is no escape. No way to leave. Not safely. not sanely. And she does drive me crazy. She drives me ansolutely bat shit insane. I can't see myself with any one else. Ever. I get the feeling that if everything that was going on in her life had happened later, or if we'd met earlier things would be different. I put too much pressure on her. I put too much pressure on myself. Why can't I just relax and let it all happen? Or end. I'm not depressed. I'm just really down. How could I not be? Sometimes I wish the world would end. If Linh's life doesn't pick up by her 18th birthday, it's over for her. I know I can't have the same mentality, but sometimes it feels like the only option. It's funny. I got a "Love" good luck charm. I could really use the luck right now. I get the feeling I should start praying. Pray to God. I've never thought he existed, but if he does, I could really use his help right now. I've never believed that God made the universe and everything. I've always needed some proof. But I've been able to reinforce some things in my life without proof. Faith. I have faith in the little things. "There's some one out there for every one", "Everything will work out", stuff like that. I've always believed in them. Maybe it's time I put my faith into something else. Something bigger. That doesn't mean I'm going to go to Church every Sunday morning and say grace every meal and whatever. There's so much going on in my head right now. It hurts. There's no escape. There is an escape. There must be. Or I could use Sarah's cure. Listen to really loud music, drown out my thoughts and exasperate my energy until eventually, the thoughts have gone themselves. Maybe I can do this from now on. Maybe this is how I need to be like until me and Shannyn can meet up. There's no way I can fuck things up if I'm not over thinking everything. I guess this is all I can type for now before I go deaf.