I can't let go.
I can't let go.
And I'm not going to bed sober tonight.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I didn't want it to be like this.
I didn't want it to end this way, but I had no choice.
Reading back on my old blogs, and all the times I had no idea what to do and how to act, terrified of scaring her away.
I just didn't expect that it would end up with me leaving her. And I still have a broken heart.
I don't know how long I can do this.
It's done.
I'm done. Single again. But not.
Not ready to deal with this. Not ready to be alone.
Back to the worst position I've ever been in.
Who knows how long I last before I start running back.
Guess we'll just have to find out.
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Is this it?
Is this how it feels to have your heart ripped out? Not just ripped out. Completely and utterly destroyed. Torn into little peices, thrown into a fire and then having the ashes nuked for good measure.
I knew she didn't love me. I knew she didn't care.
I just lived in delusion.
We didn't even make it a month of the 6 we set out.
I should have known it wouldn't last.
We joked, and we messed around and it felt right, but that didn't matter.
I guess I'm back where I was.
Alone. Lost. Broken.
And who would want to fix me?
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Why is it so hard?
Because he can give her something physical. Something real. He can give her what she needs, and I can't. He can do and be everything she needs. While I'm stuck in Melbourne with irrational thoughts, irrational wishes. Irrational hopes and dreams of what will happen when I get up there.
All because she might find someone else before I get up there. And it hurts. I'm so committed to her. But she's not committed to me. And I can't get the thought of them together out of my head. I don't know what he looks like, but I don't need to. She was giddy and nervous and bubbly in preparation for her date, and that's more than she's been for me. There's no way I can be there for her like he is.
I know I said 6 months, and agreed to it, but it wasn't until the other day that I realised how long 6 months can be, and how easily she can find someone else. I didn't expect her to find someone else. I hoped she wouldn't find someone else. Not to replace me. But to be a better me. We're not dating. We're not going out. We're not a couple. So it wouldn't technically be a replacement. I'm not expecting to be replaced, but I am expecting to be sidelined. To be put second to him. If only because he's there for her, and I'm stuck in Melbourne.
She made it feel like we were together. I thought it meant something. Not only does it appear that I was wrong, but it breaks my heart as well. I'm committed to her because I love her so much, but she doesn't reciprocate. How could she? I'm not a great catch. I don't really have much going for me. I drive myself insane. I drive her insane. Maybe she's better off with this new guy instead of me. Alot of people are better off without me, it seems.
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing any more. She doesn't feel the way I feel. She holds back. When we talk I can tell that she's holding back from me. I don't know why. But she doesn't know how I feel about her. She doesn't understand how much it hurts. She can't understand.
The worst part about dreams is that sometimes you see things you don't want to see. And the best thing about being asleep was dreaming of her with me. Now the worst part about being asleep is dreaming of her with him. When I get depressed, I get tired.I used to sleep, and I'd feel better. But how can I sleep when they haunt my dreams together?
I agreed to 6 months, but I didn't realise that this would happen within the first month. And it still is the first month. Only a few days away from the beginning of the second month, but still the first month. If she can do this in the first month, then what can she do in the fifth month, or the final month? What could she do after seeing this guy for a few months?
Sure, she cares about me. But does she care enough to tell her friends about me? I know Biccy. Biccy is a friend of mine now. We talk every now and then, and she helps me with problems I have. But what about her other friends? Does she care enough about me to discuss me with them? Or would they just tell her that I'm not worth it? That she's better off with her new friend, and that ignoring me until the end of the 6 months, or until I get to Darwin is the right thing to do. What if she's still dating this guy when I get up there? Will she dump him for me, or will I be stuck holding the flowers in the rain, as she has dinner on the other side of the window, not realising that I'm there. Leaving me even more broken-hearted than I already am now.
-----
iTunes has an incredible way of picking up on moods and feelings, and playing the most appropriate sing it can find.
Disease - Matchbox Twenty
Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebodys heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No ones ever turned you over
No ones tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Dont pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn
Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I cant breathe
I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Dont pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
Im free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that wont take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease
-----
I can't walk away from her. But I can't stay and watch her be with someone else. What am I supposed to do? There's no easy decision for this.
I love her, but she doesn't love me. And even if I screamed and yelled it to her, I still don't think she'd understand.
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
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