My insanity will drive her away.
It already has once. The Monday-itis has transformed into early week-itis. Weak-itis. That pretty much sums me up. Weak. Weak willed. Unequipped to cope with reality as it is.
So instead, I ask myself questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why am I doing this? All very basic questions, that almost every human being has asked themselves at one point in their lives. Only my answers are more daunting. Who am I? I am who I am. I cannot change that. No matter who I want to be or want to see myself as, I am not that person. I may never be that person.
Why am I here? The same reason as every other human being on the planet. Procreation. It is the only reason any living thing is here. To assure the continuation of its species. Why are humans so different? We aren't. We are not special. We are animals. It is all we are. And no matter how hard we try, we will never be anything more.
Why am I doing this? Because it is who I am. It is the insanity, the paranoia, the neurotic-ism and the pain. The fun, the happiness and sadness, the likes and dislikes. Everything that makes me me, is the reason I am doing this. It is undoubtedly the most worth while thing I have ever chased after, I have ever waited for in my life.
I need a break. A day, a week, a year. Ha! Not even a year is long enough to deal with escaping from what's in my head. The gap year next year will serve only as a reminder that I am alone. As my friends go off to college or university, they'll forget. Some of them already are forgetting me. As they make plans, they don't invite me. They move on, forgetting who I was. Forgetting who I am. Leaving me in the dust of their lives as I sit here wondering where exactly I went wrong. I'll never find out, of course. Not only am I paranoid, neurotic and completely insane, I'm also extremely self-centered. It's not that I'm perfect. It's that I am the cause and solution to all problems.
If someone has a problem, I talk to them about it. I want to help. I need to help. I can do nothing but help. I offer advice, and it usually works out for them. But occasionally I see myself as the cause of their problems. Even when I am not.
That is what drove her away the first time. And my greatest fear is that it will drive her away again. I've coped well so far, or so I like to think. Much better than last time. But I still struggle.
I long to be with her. To hold her. To smell her. To love her. To be in her presence. To feel her warm skin in my hands. To know she was there for me, and I there for her. To hear her voice. To smell her hair. To do the things I cannot do while I am so far away.
And yet here I am. Wishing to be with her. Planning our first meeting. Our first date. Our first dance and our first kiss. Our first everything together. And each week the insanity riles up from inside and forces its way out in whatever way it can. And the result is this. Exactly what it wants. My misery. My loss of hope. My preparation for the end of what could - would be something so crazily fantastic that the world would stop and stare at how perfect we are for each other. But my insanity forces me to prepare for the inevitable. The heart-wrenching, bone-crushing, mind-numbing speech that begins "It's not you. It's me.". This is what my insanity prepares me for each and every day, in it's own little way.
But it's more than that. It doesn't just prepare me for it. It attempts to cause it. The insanity that brings the paranoia and the neurotic-ism and pain and the suffering. The insanity that causes me to doubt my ability to do anything and forces me into a corner of my mind as monsters take over and do what they can to destroy who I am. A day long siege against who I am, each week. And each week they fail. Causing them to return the next week, one monster less, and yet stronger than before. It is this insanity that drives people away and it is this insanity that will make me alone for the rest of my life. That will cause me to hurt everyone I hold dear, targeting those I hold dearest.
And I fear that this is not the end. It is only the beginning.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
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