Because- Holy Crap!

I can't believe it's not Linkin Park lyrics!

I'll post the lyrics, then let out my problems.

Empty Space - Lifehouse

Too late to hide And too tired to care Take what you’ve left And forget the rest Take what you see Of what’s left of me You know where I’ve been And I don’t want to go there again

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

I’ve been down This road before All that I’ve found Points me right back to you And I’ve watch you move From down below Where do I go from here I guess I’ll find out as I go

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing But empty space

You’re beautiful You’re confusing You’re illogical You’re amazing And I’ve seen the world It’s overrated Until you’re everything I have nothing Until you’re everything I have nothing But an empty space

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Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel. I got on LW and saw 1 friend online. It was Shannyn. 1 minute active. It came back again. I'm still not ready. Not for a long time. I want to talk to her. More than anything. I want to be there for her. But not on Livewire. MSN, maybe, if I think I'm ready. But even when she's online on LW, I can't be on. I don't want to fall back in to old patterns. I know she cares about me. I know she sees me as a good friend. So why does this hurt so much? Why can't I let the pain go? Why can't I move on?

I don't know.I don't want her to be my everything. I want to move on. She's not my everything. I can not think about her for a whole day. But the loneliness lingers. I can not be lonely for a whole day. But then on some days it's both. I wish this were easier. I still love her. But I haven't spoken to her for what feels like a long time. I don't want to love her this way any more. It's not fair on her. It's not fair on me.

It's not.

 

Erebus Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It's been a slow deterioration...

But the happiness I was in earlier today is gone, once again. I know how much all of you enjoy hearing about an emotionally unstable, depressing 17 year old, so I won't let you all down.

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The loneliness has returned. The incredible pain of having no one. I know what it is. I know why. It's not her fault. I can't help it and niether can she. She's attractive. She is. So of course she was going to be asked out. Sooner or later, it was going to happen. She's lucky like that. I'm not. I'm not good looking enough to get asked out. I won't get asked out. Not based on looks alone. Not by a random girl who thinks I'm cute or attractive. It won't happen that way.

I get by on personality. Even then, I have to get to know the person first. I can't just go up to a random girl and start chatting them up. I'm too shy. I've done it once. Even then, I was nervous as hell. I can't do it again.

I'm a nervous, neurotic, paranoid worrier.

I trust very few people. I can't talk to randoms. If they start talking to me, fine. I can talk to them then. But before then... I can't do it.

I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for a very long time, and there won't be anything I can do about it.

I don't know any more.

 

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Day Three...

English, Period 6. I'm so very over this retarded work. Which I don't do, surprisingly. The teacher isn't here, so I'm going to take advantage of that and do no work... which isn't really taking advantage of it, it's just a normal day, only now I get to listen to music. Lucky me.
 
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Business management SAC today during lunch. Oh joy. I don't know how I went. I worry, though. I know I didn't get full marks. I'm thinking something along the lines of 65%.
 
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Linh's in the city after her UMAT. Sending random messages. She knows what she's getting me for my birthday, but she won't tell me... Bitch. I keep getting random updates. "They have goldfish", "They have R2D2!", "I'm not going to tell you what you're getting for your birthday.". Meany. Although she hasn't sent that last one yet, I know she won't tell me any way.
 
I'm glad she's having fun after such a shitty evening and morning.
 
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So I'm meant to be doing work off a sheet (Not going to happen), or the least I could do is work on on of the essays (I guess...), but I don't want to. I'm not lazy. I am PROCRASTINATION MAN! FIGHTING CRIME 5 MINUTES LATER! I'd make a costume, but if I hold out long enough, I won't have to.
 
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I was reading Biccy's blog today. A small update by Biccy. She mentioned Shannyn and the pain came back. I tried to forget, because I know what remembering brings, and it brought it back today. I'll always remember her. Although we never met, how could I forget her. She had such a huge, resounding effect on me that I can't forget. But I can try not to think about it. I can try, but it can still be triggered off, like it was today. There's always going to be the trigger, with all girls I fall for. It still occasionally happens for Linh, but it's no where near as bad as Shannyn. Linh is easy to deal with it, because it's quick, not too painful, and forgotten soon after it's begun. The pain doesn't linger. It still does with Shannyn.
 
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Our English sub has no clue what she's doing. Doesn't have a proper roster, doesn't remember names, or even try to remember names and faces. She let 6 people walk out of the class and not come back. Not because they stood up and left. They asked to go to the library. She's not a good teacher, and I can understand why.
 
I'm not sure what more to rant about. Or even talk about. I'll blog when I get home.
 
But before I go... I need to think of a signature for my blog. And my email. I'll see what I can work out, and if I can do it online.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous