It's interesting that we've been in this situation before.

Only this time, we changed places.

It seems lately, eveything to do with us has swapped. Not the exact same situation, but still swapped.

She'd get upset and depressed because I'd pay more atention to my friends, but I still paid attention to her.

So how am I supposed to feel when she stops paying attention, mid-sentence to run up and hug her friend, and then her and her friends completely lock me out of all conversation. I try to join in, and they all completely ignore me.

I know those particular friends hate me, but I was trying to be civil, to no avail.

I was then told to "go get [my] stuff." I did. On my return, i was told I could "leave if [I] want[ed]" since Linh would be haning around for a while. I realised the only reason she invited me out for lunch was because I said I was going to ask her if she wanted to grab lunch together. Which was completely true.

But the way she said it, coupled with her actions, it became apparent that she didn't want me there.

She's my best friend. I was hers. Was. Seems I'm not any more.

It's harder to hang out now that we've graduated. It'll be much harder to stay in touch.

But if she's not going to make an effort to stay friends, why should I bother?

Her actions recently have given the impression, "Sure, we can stay friends. We mean a lot to each other and we'll always be freinds. As long as there's no one else to hang out with, because I'm going to take every opportunity to get rid of you, using my other friends. It's not you, it's me. I just prefer hanging with other people and don't care about you any more. But the only time I can show it is when my other friends are present."

-----

Yesterday was an overall good day.

English exam was easy as shit. One of the questions I asked my English teacher inadvertently answered the exam question, so I already had the answer planned out.

Voxi is a shit and should die in a god damn fire. Worst analysis peice ever.

Context turned from a speech to fellow year 12s to a motivational speech to an army heading into a battle, and then back into a speech to fellow year 12s.

-----

After the exam was the... ugliness with Linh.

I went home, got the largets Macca's meal I've ever had. A large Mighty Angus meal, with a double beef and bacon burger. Delicious.

I then spent most of my day, downstairs on my laptop, watching TV. I was home alone, so there was fun to be had.

Then, my brother and his girlfriend arrived home. They were in a rush, because his drinking buddy was coming over. I thought that was normal.

When the doorbell rang, I went up and saw her, because she's awesome, and is like the drunk, smoking, lesbian sister everybody loves. She wasn't coming in. They were going out to a movie. Saw VI. She invited me (thanks for the invite, brother), and I went. It was with her, her sister, my brother and his girlfriend.

I mentioned that I hadn't seen Saw V. On Wednesday, they rocked up at shool, were Matt worked, and put it on the projector in the hall. I wasn't invited. His drinking buddy seemed more upset about that than I was.

For dinner, I had a hot dog and chips combo, a large popcorn and a large drink. During the movie.

Saw VI was gruesome and gory, and I kept eating. Tasty food.

I don't know what happened to me last night, whether it was the movie, or hanging with friends, that I never hang with properly, btu I changed.

Ness (my brother's drinking buddy) warned her sister that I was quiet, kept to myself. Not last night I didn't.

I used my social commentary on Saw to turn it from a horror gore film into a comedy. Lucky I was sitting next to Ness's sister. ;)

I was loud, making sexual innuendos, both straight and gay at every oppotunity I got. Something happened to me last night. And it was awesome. but I may have freaked out Cass (Ness's sister) a bit.

Because of my crazy antics last night, how ever, I have been invited to Ness's girlfriends place, with Cass. We'll have the place to ourselves and will either have a Saw or Supernatural marathon. I'm looking forward to it.

I've also been invited to their next drinking night, either here or at her place.

I'm so glad I went last night. I had heaps of fun and I look forward to tonight, and every drinking night I'm involved in from now on.

It was a good day.

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Sometimes...

I hate having a non-private blog incase I'm having troubles with someone and they read it.

God dammit...

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Very angry rant.

I don't fucking care!

I don't feel like talking! I just want to sit down and watch TV.

I already told you what yesterday was like. I walked in the door, and you fucking asked me. I told you. "I went to the city with Sarah. It was fun. We didn't see a movie. We ran into Linh. It was a good day."

The last thing I want, when I'm already pissed of is for you to force small talk, and already ask me about something you know the answer to. I was going downstairs when you asked. I was going downstairs for a reason.

My biggest pet peeve is being forced to listen to people chewing. Normally, I can deal with it. But being forced to listen to you, chewing, loudly, mouth open just grinds my fucking gears, and makes me want to scream at you! SHUT THE FUCK UP! MOUTH FUCKING CLOSED WHEN YOU CHEW!

I don't want to talk! I just want to fucking watch the god damn TV! Don't ask me what I'm looking at on the internet. i don't see how it's any of your goddamn business!

RAAAAAAGE!!!

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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The fortune cookie is wrong.

"You are realistic and people relate to you."

I'm not realistic. I guess people relate to me. But it's still wrong.

-----

On to today...

Was forced to get out of bed before 8am so I could babysit my two cousins. They're old enough to not need a babysitter. And it wasn't exactly like I was the only one home to do it. But I had to do it, which is complete bullshit.

So I babysat them for a while. Watched TV for the most part, then played games and answered annoying questions from the younger cousin about my game.

I then caught a train and met up with Sarah. First time meeting her in real life. She's pretty cool. And cute. But I can't see a relationship with her. She seems more like a drinking buddy than a girlfriend. We don't have enough in common to date.

We grabbed MacDonald's for lunch, which she bought for me (owed birthday present). We hung out in Melbourne Central, before slowly wandering to Federation Square and hanging out there for a while. We then met up with Linh, who was in the city for the TOEFL and study. We messed around in the city with Linh and ended up buying some foam swords, fighting in MC and on the train home.

Sarah ended up leaving us at Noble Park, while me and Linh waited until Dandenong, to try catch a movie before finally heading home. Turned out there were no good movies on, so we just messed around in Dandenong for a while. We talked and had fun, and I'm glad our relationship isn't any different from before school finished. I mean before the fight as well. So a few weeks before school finished.

Overall, it was a fairly good day.

But now, I'm tired as hell. And it's only 9:40.

Not really anyone to talk to online. Sarah doesn't really reply on MSN. Linh's upset, I don't know why. She doesn't want to talk.

That's all there is to talk to.

Guess I'll just head off to sleep soon. Not much reason to stay awake now.

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School songs...

I'm going to miss the old place. I already do. So I guess it's time to recall all the old songs. Let's begin.

Vivat Haileyburia!

In altera terra though we’re set,
Vivat Haileyburia!
The older school we’ll not forget
Vivat Haileyburia!
United still by crest and name, ‘
Lift up your hearts’
in song proclaim,
and show forth Haileyburia’s fame,
Vivat Haileyburia!

 

Then shout a thousand voices all,
Vivat Haileyburia!
Our Shool of old we now recall
Vivat Haileyburia!
But whatso’er their fame of youre,
We’ve yet a mind to make it more,
Our age of gold still lies before
Vivat Haileyburia!
Then Vivat, Vivat round the board,
Vivat Haileyburia!
And yet once more with louder chord,
Vivat Haileyburia!
For we’ve been boys and men together,
Have weilded bat and hunted leather,
When life was bliss in summer weather,
Vivat Haileyburia!

Then close your ranks and lift your song,
Vivat Haileyburia!
That life is short, but love is long;
Vivat Haileyburia!
And all through life, where’er we be,
School of our hearts we’ll think of thee,
And drink the toast with three times three,
Vivat Haileyburia!

-----

Jerusalem

 

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England’s mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England’s pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear! O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England’s green and pleasant land.

-----

Gaudeamus Igitur

Gaudeamus igitur,
Juvenes dum sumus.
Gaudeamus igitur,
Juvenes dum sumus.
Post jucundam juventutem,
Post molestam senectutem
Nos habebit humus.
Nos habebit humus.

Vivat Academia!
Vivant Professores!
Vivat Academia!
Vivant Professores!
Vivat membrum quodlibet
Vivant membra wuaelibet,
Semper sint in flore!
Semper sint in flore!

Felices discipuli
Haileyburienses
Audaces discupuli
Haileyburienses
Floreat pulcherrima
Domus celeberrima
Alma mater nostra
Altera in terra.

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So much has happened.

I'm not exactly sure where to start.

Well, I graduated. I'm no longer a student. Graduation day was full of fun memories I plan to cherish, as well as regrets of things I'll never get the chance to do again. The tear-filled speeches made through out the day, the fear of never seeing my friends again.

Valedictory dinner was amazing. Foyster's speeches, the Student speeches, Framey's speech, Scotty's speech and the Teacher band was awesome. And screaming Jerusalem at the end, our own rendition will be something I never forget.

Now on to today:

This morning I found an email from Shannyn. She's coming to Melbourne. Soon. She wants to meet up.

I don't know that I could. She still has a boyfriend. I can't handle that. Seeing her, physically would make it real. I can't handle that. I don't want to go back to the way I was. Back to the miserable, confused wreck I was. And I was a wreck.

I loved her, and she broke my heart. More than once. I'd love to see her, to hold her. To try and make things work. But I know that doing so would be the biggest mistake of my life.

No. I can't do it. I can't go back to her.

-----

Qantm Interview:

The interview was great. The interveiwer was awesome. She made me feel much more confident about it. I'm the "perfect candidate" for Games Design, and of the potential Games Designers she'd seen I "was the best [she'd] seen". I got a tour of the campus. Which was incredibly small, but the people there were having fun making games and it looked like the place I wanted to be.

-----

The Five Greatest Warriors. Matthew Reilly's new book. I got a signed copy. It's awesome.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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Depression

I'm just thinking about my depression and what it has targetted over the year.

When Linh first broke up with me, I was terrified that I'd die alone.

When Shannyn stopped talking to me for all those months, I was terrified I'd die alone.

I was able to survive that. It would strike once a week, and for the rest of the week, I'd be fine. I'd be fine because I knew I wouldn't die alone. I might not have gotten married. But I wouldn't have been alone as long as I had friends. So my friends started to become seperate of me. That was my doing. I didn't like hanging in the library constantly because I couldn't eat or drink there. So I moved to a new spot. Linh came with me. We had some good times there.

And I think that's why I started to become so dependent on her. Because she became the only one to hang out with me. The only one to talk to me. So my depression became slightly more frequent. With a different agenda. I may never get married, but I could get through it as long as I had Linh. Not my friends. Just Linh. And that wasn't fair on her.

So when she started hanging with other people, I felt like I was losing her. My depression saw it's opening and it struck. It struck hard, and it tried to consume me. It almost did.

I didn't think I could survive anything without Linh. I thought losing Linh would destroy me. And that's why it almost did.

By thinking that losing her would destroy me, I let it almost destroy me. But I am stronger than that.

I can beat this. I will beat this.

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All school today did

Was reaffirm how completely alone I am.

No one wanted me to sign their shirts or dresses. I had to ask.
No one wanted to sign my shirt. I had to ask.
No one wanted to sit next to me for the Year 12 Revue. I didn't bother asking.

Even Linh. Under the circumstances, I'd normally say it was understandable. But it may well be the last time I'll ever see her, excluding OHA meetings.

And now with the end of Year 12, I am completely seperated from my friends. Completely seperated from human contact.

It was nice to know that I wasn't completely alone when I arrived home, but the after effects of her company can only last so long.

And with her gone, I am once again, completely alone.

I feel completely alone.

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Like a puzzle coming together

The pieces fit. It makes sense. How can it make sense? Because the depression forces it to.

She doesn't want to hang out with me. That's fine.

She doesn't want to take photos with me. That's fine too.

She doesn't want me to sign her dress. That doesn't make much sense, but okay.

She doesn't want to see me. under the circumstances, understandable.

But put it together.

She doesn't want to remember me.

And that hurts.

Can I blame her? i guess not.

I wouldn't want to remember me either.

I'm going to be that one that every single person knows by face and by name. But when it comes down to staying in touch, I'll fade away. A memory. It's all I'll be in the end. And even that will soon fade away in the minds of my fellow peers.

It's the last day of school. Everybody gathers around, getting their shirts and dresses signed. Making sure to try stay in touch. Asking people to sign their shirts, and asking to sign other shirts.

But not me. I ask people to sign my shirt, and they're reluctant. I ask to sign people's shirts and they hesitate.

It's not until the final day, the final chance, the final opportunity, that I realised how completely alone I really am.

And I do feel so alone.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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I'm glad

I'm glad she had such a great day today.

I just hate not being inclued in it.

Guess I'm going to bed depressed again.

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A constant reminder

Of the monster I am.

How do I show how much I hate myself for what I've said and done? How do I show how much I regret everything I put her through?

A simple "I'm sorry" is worthless. I could say "I'm sorry" a billion times over, and it would still not be close to how sorry I am, how much I regret it.

I despise myself for my actions. More than that. I hate myself. I do. Hate is a strong word. I don't know why I used it against her. The subconscious monster I am pulled that word, with no proof. No reasoning behind it. It pulled that, of all words. And I used it. Against the one person who was always there for me. Who always helped me out. And for what? Because she wasn't there for me any more? She was. She's always been there for me. I used it because she wanted to hang out with other people. People not me. That's no excuse.

I have no excuse. My abhorrent behaviour as of late makes me hate, loathe and despise myself. I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I'm lucky that where I am sitting doesn't reflect my face back at me. Or the face of the monster I let myself become.

I know I've posted this song, or these lyrics before, but that was back when the chorus best explained my situation. This time, it's the lyrics that best explain my situation.

-----

Skillet - Never Surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Never surrender

Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemyWho sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender

-----

I beg for forgiveness. But I don't know why. I want to be forgiven.  Not just by Linh. Not just by those I've hurt recently. But by myself. I want to be able to forgive myself. But it may very well be a long time before I can do that. Longer, perhaps, than when the others I've hurt can forgive me. And I do want them to forgive me.

But what's the use of being forgiven, if you can't forgive yourself?

Can I forgive myself? The way I've acted recently, I may never forgive myself. I have no excuse for what I did. No doctor's note. No "Get out of jail free" card. I have nothing to use to be forgiven. Especially by myself.

I know this has seemed to become my catchphrase in the past few months. Possibly even years. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to forgive myself.

I have no doubt that Linh will forgive me. We can hold an adult conversation. We nod at each other, and we each understand the meanings of each nod. But she won't sit next to me. She won't talk to me unless I ask some one else to get her for me. Can I blame her? No. If someone acted the way I have towards her, not just in the past week or so, but in our entire relationship, both dating and friendship, I don't think I would be able to act as civil as Linh is towards me.

So why does it feel like today was the last day I'll ever see her. The last conversation I'll ever have with her. So many last things between us already. So many things that will never happen again. I don't want today to be the last conversation I have with her. The last time I see her face. But I don't control that. I can't control that.

I have so many regrets. So many things I could have done differently. So many things I should have done differently. So many things I wish I could go back and do right. But it's not just that. So many things I wish I had done when I had the chance. Lost opportunities I'll never get back. So many lost opportunities.

There's so much I can do. There's so much I can't do.

I'm terrified that today was the last time I'll ever see Linh. Ever talk to her. I love her. She's my best friend. And losing her like this. Losing her at all.

It scares the hell out of me.

I hope it all works out between us. I really do.

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Citizen Me

Citizen Kane. A megalomaniac, pushing those he cares about away in a misguided want to be loved.

Am I so different? The recent events with my best friend, all my friends, my family. Every one close to me. The recent events with them has caused me to think I'm not so different.

I'm not so different from Kane. That's depressing. I don't plan on going into politics to be loved by the voters. I want to love and be loved. So I do as Kane does. I push people away in a futile attempt to cling to them. Hold them so tight, that they can't breathe. So they escape. They leave.

Can I blame them? I don't think I should. It's not their fault I am the way I am. I just need to fix it. It won't be easy. But it will be well worth it, in the end. I just hope I make it work out.

We'll see.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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There's no excuse for that.

My bahaviour towards my best friend as of late has been absolutely deplorable, despicable and disgusting.

Which is why I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me. Or see me.

I don't know what's been happening this past week or so, but my behaviour towards those close to me has dropped, significantly.

I've spent almost all day weeding out the reasons why that is. I've spent the rest of the time hoping Linh doesn't hate me. She doesn't. But she is furious. And with very good reason.

I wish we could go back to the way we were. Happy, friendly, messing around the way we did. But I don't think we'll ever be that close again. I don't think she'll let us get that close again. I hope she does.

She has good reason not to, of course. She did what she could to make everything work. I don't know why I took it so personally. I know what's wrong with me, thanks to Brian. Now I just need to save myself, and my friends from it. I need to stop it.

I hope she forgives me soon. But I can understand if she doesn't.

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Gone for good.

Christ, I'm an idiot.

I let my emotions take control. I let him take control. And everything goes to shit.

I've lost, possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Forever. I love her. She tried to help. She tried so very hard. And I got upset for that. I got upset because she tried to help me do something she knew I couldn't do on my own. Something I needed her help with. Something I needed her friends help with. And I forced her away. I forced her away because I'm an idiot.

I didn't want to lose her. I wanted her to understand. Understand why I hurt so much. And now I hurt even more.

I don't think I can ever fix this. We'll never be as close as we once were, only a few weeks ago.

-----

Something's happening to me. I'm losing my grip on sanity. I'm losing control.

I need to figure out how to stop this. How to get him out of my head, or get him on my side.

I can't risk this happening again. I can't risk losing her like this again. I'd be fine if we drited apart because we were both so busy that we couldn't see each other. But this... Not like this. Never like this.

I need to find myself. Find who I am. I need to be comfortable with that. Or else this will keep happening, and I'll end up with nothing. I don't want to end up with nothing. I want to have friends who like me for me. But if I don't take complete control of this thing inside my skull, it will never happen.

I need to take control. I need to win. I don't have any other choice.

This is a battle only I can be involved in. Only I can fight for.

This battle has to end.

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Everything comes together for her.

As everything falls apart for me.

I feel like I've got nothing left.

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I guess that's the difference between you and me.

Through all your suicide attempts, through all the shit you went through, I was there. I was always there. You tried to cut the ties, but failed, and I was there no matter what.

Now that the tables have turned, I need you there. I need you there, and you're not. So now it's time for me to cut the ties. I won't fail like you did.

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Would it matter?

Skillet - Would it Matter

-----

V1
if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anybody care
if my time was up I’d wanna know
You were happy I was there

if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep
if I wasn’t hard and hollow
Then maybe you would miss me

Pre
I know I’m a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I’d like better
I can never forget, so don’t remind me of it forever

Chorus
What if I just pulled myself together
Would it matter at all
What if I just tried not to remember
Would it matter at all
All the chances that have passed me by
Would it matter if I gave it one more try
Would it matter at all

V2
if I wasn’t here tomorrow would anybody care
Still stuck inside this sorrow
I got nothin’ and going nowhere

Post bridge
I know I’m a mess and I wanna be someone
Someone that I’d like better
Can you help me forget, don’t wanna feel like this forever

Outro
If I left tomorrow would anybody care
Stuck in this sorrow
Going nowhere

-----

Would it matter?

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What's holding me here?

Because right now it feels like nothing.

I need help.

I need a reason.

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I give up.

I'm losing my grip on sanity. On happiness. On everything.

It's slipping, and it's not coming back.

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Another fuck up.

She's right. I need to get used to being alone.

The few friends I have are leaving. The one friend I truly care about is still pissed at me, although now she's talking to me. And the little time we have together, I'm a depressed shit. I piss her off even more. We argue. We fight. I leave.

I can't do this any longer. It's too much. How can I hold on to a world where my only ties are video games, a forum where my "friends" are people I will never meet, I rarely talk to, and who don't genuinely care about me, and .

My family cares, but I barely see them enough. I'm always alone in my room. I'm always alone.

Who else is there? Teachers? Four days from now, they can stop caring. They will stop caring.

What's left? My friends? After Haileybury, they'll forget about me. I'll fade away into memory.

Seems like the only people who have ever missed me were the guys in my guild on WoW. If only because they need me. Tank, DPS, Healing. That's all I am to them. Not a person. A pixelated character, who will stop them from taking damage, who will help them kill something, or who will keep them alive. They don't care about my feelings. They don't care about me as a person.

It's getting to the point where there's nothing left. Nothing left for me, as a person. Nothing left to hope for. Nothing left to hang around for.

I've sought help and it has been of no use. Even this, typing it out, getting it off my chest, does nothing. It does not make me feel better. It does not make me feel.

I'm sick of this. Sick of running from the truth. Sick of hiding from the truth. Sick of protecting myself. I have one friend. Is it a relationship if only one person is committed? No. Is it a friendship if only one person is a friend? I guess not.

How can I do this any more? How can I go on? I can't. But I don't have a choice. She gave me two options. We both know there are really three. But option number three isn't really an option. It's a mistake. A mistake that i can't make until I'm well and truly alone. No friends. No family. No one to worry about me.

It won't be too long. And it's better than the alternative.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I can't hang out in a large group.

Three other people is the most I can hang out with. Talk with. Be friends with.

Why?

Because I'm always "that" one in the group. The one that is only real friends with one person. The one that gets ignored by everyone else. The one that, when has an opinion on something, someone quickly starts talking over the top of me, managing to change the subject along the way, to something I have no opinion on. Something I can't talk about. Something I don't care about. I've never worked well in a group. I've never enjoyed working in a large group. If forced into it by teachers for school work, I do it. I take control of the group, knowing my opinion won't be heard any other way. And then I take into account, my experiences from large groups. So I ask for other peoples opinions. Try to get some input.

But they're like me. They lock up when asked in a group. When someone other than them has control. When they feel like their opinion isn't being heard, or people are talking about things they have no interest in. When they are left out of any conversation, left to think about the important opinions they have, that will never be heard. The heights they could reach, if only someone paid attention to them. What they could do with their lives, if someone pretended to care.

And even if I enter the group. I dared to enter. Why did I dare? Because I want to spend time with my best friend. And my best friend, again, ditches me to be with other people. Leaving me alone. I got one sentence from her. I was there for 30 seconds before the group broke apart. Before I was left alone. Always alone.She ditched me to hang with her new friends. I won't see her at lunch. I may not see her on the bus on the way home. I've seen her for all of 35 minutes this week. I'm going through a hard time. She knows. Does she care? Of course she does. How could she not? She's just so sick of dealing with my crap that, although she cares, she puts other people first. Other activities first. She's just like everybody else. She means so much to me, but she's grown tired of my company. How can I blame her? If I ever met myself, I'd grow tired of my company in the first 5 minutes.

I guess I should be thankful that it's happening now. That she gave me the amount of time that she did. But I still hate it. Everybody says "everything will be fine." Will it? How d you know? What proof do you have? I feel like I'm being replaced. I know I'm not really. There's so little time of school left that she should make the friends she can. But I, of course, can't. I don't want more friends. I don't want to find more reasons to hang on to this tiny thread of happiness. The harder I hold on, the worse it is when I fall. And I fall so often, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm done with happiness. I'm done with friends.

I was always going to be alone. I should have done what needed to be done when I had the chance. But now I'm in too deep. Too deep to escape. There's no way out.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

So this is what an anxiety attack feels like.

The thoughts pounding in my head. Rushing. Making no sense. Crashing inside my head, my heart. My heart speeds up. My breathing becomes shallow and weak. I hyperventilate. My body screams. My mind screams. But I cannot. I scratch at my skull, as the thoughts increase in speed and severity.

I can't handle it. The thoughts, the screaming, the pain inside my head. The pressure.

Even worse, not knowing why. I can't make sense of my thoughts. I don't know what set it off.

I can't concentrate. I cant play games. I can't work. I can't have fun. What can I do?

I'm completely alone.

My best friend won't talk to me. My other friends don't care about me unless they're going to the city. The only one I can trust out of them to help, I never see.

The niggling at the back of my head is forever present. I just want to grab it and rip. It hurts. And it creates thoughts. And it eats at me. Oh, it does eat at me.

And when I'm the only one that knows about it. When I'm the only one that can stop it. I realise how worthless I am to this world.

I can't stop it. It's too powerful.

I need help.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

How much longer can I keep up this charade?

This was a question I asked myself today. At lunch. How long can I keep it up? How long will I last? A year? 6 months? Surely I can keep it up that long.

Apparently not. One and a half hours. I lasted one and a half hours. 5 minutes into IT, I broke down. I couldn't take it. The pressure became too much. I couldn't do it. I began hyperventilating and did absolutely no work. I was going to stay back and do work after school, but I couldn't do it. I'm too far gone.

Even now, playing games, the pressure is there. The pressure to work, the pressure to do well, the pressure to get into university. The pressure of everything. I can't handle it.

I'm losing it. I need help.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Another lonely day.

Another day of mind-numbing, friend-less babble.

I need human contact. People to talk to. Being left alone with my thoughts is a very bad thing right now. And unfortunately, that's all I have.

Fuck.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I missed the train.

If only because the van in front of us took a full minute to get around the round-a-bout at the train station. Giving the train enough time to pull in, open the doors, let everybody off and on, and then leave.

But that's not my main concern right now.

-----

Last night, Linh and I had a fight. A big one.
But she finally got what she wanted. She forced me away. There was no way I could handle her, as I began dropping. So I let go. I let her go. The things I said to her were horrible. I didn't mean them. I just wanted to hurt her. The things she said to me were horrible. I hope she didn't mean them.

Wouldn't surprise me if she did mean them. I guess I've given her enough crap to deal with, and I keep piling it on. She's better off without me. Seems like everybody is.

It appears to be coming to the point where the only person I can trust is the person I hate. I know he hates me. I know he'll insult me. And I can trust that won't change in the week and a half of school we have left, since we've hated each other for the past few years.

I really am losing them. I'm losing Linh. Richard was lost a long time ago. Not just to me, but to our group of friends all together. Jack and I were never really that close. Nathan and I used to go bike riding, but that hasn't happened for many years. Now he only talks to me in English, and even then, it's only when he wants or needs something. Steve. He's my last real friend. Even then, we fight every now and then, as friends do. We make up, as friends do. But if it's so easy to lose someone as close as Linh, how do I know I won't lose Steve?

I don't really have any other friends. Sarah, I talk to online, and we have yet to meet up in real life. Madi barely talks to me, and I don't blame her. She's a smart, beautiful girl who appears to be way out of my league. Shannyn's out of my life for good. I can't go back to her. I can't let myself make that mistake. The pain would kill me.

Linh's the only tangible friend I have left, since I can't see Steve every day. And I can't talk to her today. Looks like I'm all alone. "You are born alone, and you damn sure die alone." Looks like I'm going to be living alone as well.

I really should have seen this coming.

I don't know why I didn't.

Skillet put it fairly well.

-----

Skillet - Say Goodbye

Things are changing
It seems strange that I need to figure this out
You've got your life, I've got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left asking
Where has all the time gone now?
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't wanna believe it's over

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember in December?
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
Our feelings would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead, I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now?
Can we make it last somehow?
We both knew what we've gotta say, not today
'Cause I don't wanna leave this way

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Ind if it's over, it hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were, happy like we were

Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Yesterday we were laughing
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I am left here asking
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye.

-----

We both knew it would get to this point. One of us would fuck up so badly that the other left. I guess I wasn't expecting us both to fuck up so badly.

I had a line about how I have things to look forward to, and I wanted Linh there to see it, but I realised how pathetic it sounded and decided not to leave that in.

And that's all I am really. Pathetic. Arousing pity through vulnerability or sadness. Sounds like me.

Maybe I can finish posting this on the bus, after Linh's got on, so I don't have to see her, or the pain I caused. Maybe she'll avoid me as well, so she can't see the pain she caused.

I'm sitting right at the front of the bus. I'm actually scared to face her after what happened last night. I want her to sit next to me when she gets on so we can apologise and move on, but I'm terrified of her sitting next to me. What to do?

I just need to keep my head down and hope for the best. Whether that be her sitting next to me, or not.

All i can do is hope.

Hope appears to be all I have left.

She missed the bus.

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I hate being confused and conflicted.

-----

It's now period 3. I passed her during recess. She looked directly at me, then quickly looked away. I felt like such a shit for what I said, I couldn't even bring myself to apologise.

I did, however, send her an SMS, letting her know where I was, incase she wanted to talk. Something tells me she'd rather be with her other friends than me. It's been getting like that a lot lately.

She's my best friend. Her opinions influence my decisions. I genuinely care about what she thinks and how she feels. I feel like shit if I do something wrong. I feel like shit for what I did last night. I am shit.

She'd be better off if I just faded away into a distant memory. It would just about kill me, of course, but at least then she'd be happy.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Maybe she was right.

I've spent so long seeking relationships, miserably single to start, and then almost constantly in a relationship or thinking about the person I would like to be in a relationship with.

Even now, mere days after removing Shannyn completely from my life, I'm trying to move on. I had a wonderful conversation with Madi, and I would love to get to know her better. Get to know her. That would involve dating. Am I trying to get a date with her because I actually like her? Because I'm trying to prove something?

Or is Linh right? Am I really only seeking companionship because I don't know who I really am, so I attempt to associate with others. So they can define who I am. And I can be who they are, or who they want me to be.

I don't want that. I know my interests. But I do sometimes get caught up in the interests of others. And relate to them. I force myself to relate to them. Sure, they're interesting topics, I'm not denying that. But it's not my greatest interest. It's not something I would call an interest if they hadn't brought it up.

Maybe I do need to stay single for a while.

Atleast until I learn who I am.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Confession.

I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I love her.

But I try to hate her, because if I don't, then I will hold on, knowing maybe one day we could be together. One day.

But we can't. We can never be together. Not after what's happened. I said I hated her, because what she did to me was horrible, but it wasn't.

It was human. She was human.

I wanted to hurt her. That's human.

When dealing with a... break up, I guess. I don't know what else to call it. I guess that's what it was, for me any way.

When dealing with a break up, one person feels like crap. They're at the lowest point. Afterwards, they improve.

But they bring down the other person to where they were. And that's what I did.

I force myself to hate her, because I have to let go. It's the only way either of us can be happy. I can't sacrifice my happiness so she can be happy, and I can't ask her to do the same for me.

I know she's not stupid or blind. She just has a lot of stuff to work out.

She wants me to stay away. Not for her. But for me. To get my life back on track.

I'm trying to. I deleted her number from my phone. I remember her email, but I won't use it. I'm not confused. I know what I'm doing. For the first time in a long time, I know what I'm doing. And yes, it's for the greater good. But that doesn't mean I enjoy it now.

It's not easy. But I know it has to be done.

-----

I, apparently, have a girl here. I'm not sure who that's meant to mean. Sarah? Sure, I hit on her, and make her laugh and everything, but she's more a drinking buddy than a girlfriend. We're too different. I don't think anything could come of it.

Madi... We haven't spoken in 8 months, excluding last night. Madi is incredibly beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. Not many girlsmake me do a double take, drop my jaw and stare in amazement at how incredibly, amazingly beautiful they are. But she has. I can't even begin to describe how incredibly beautiful she is.

But she's way out of my league.

Way out of my league.

She is incredibly beautiful, smart, funny. She made me laugh. I think I made her laugh.And we had a cute, flirty moment.

It was great. I don't have it on this computer, but it really was great. I'd love to meet up with her and take her out and even just go on a single date with her. A single date. Just to prove that extremely beautiful girls aren't way out of my league.

I like her. I'm not in love with her. I barely know her. But I would love to get to know her better and see where it leads.

I hope it leads somewhere good...

Let's hope.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Bitch, whore, fucking skank!

Every other obscenity I can scream at her to make her hurt, the way I hurt. It won't have any effect. She doesn't care. For all I know, she never cared.

I always blamed myself. If something was wrong with her, it was my fault. If she felt bad, I did something wrong. If she didn't feel like talking, I did something wrong. If ever there was any problem, it was my fault. I see the truth now.

It wasn't my fault. It was hers. She's either too blind or stupid to know a good thing when she has it. I loved her. I love her. But she didn't care. She treated me like dirt. Worse than dirt. She made me feel the way nobody should ever have to feel. She betrayed me.

-----

And now: a song dedicated to her.

Should've When You Could've - Skillet

I'm done wondering where you've been
All night long when you're out with your friends
All you say, that the matter's over
But now that chapter's over
I'm done trusting you it's ended
Even after I catch you red handed
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

I'm done chasing you all over
May as well be chasing after thunder
Play hard to get if it makes you happy
For a change now you can start chasing me
Don't cry cause I ain't your sure thing
It ain't my fault you don't know a good thing
You could've been my only one
But now your chance is gone

Don't you understand
Don't wanna be your backup plan
Now I won't be here to clean up when it hits the fan
You tried to keep me on your leash
It's time you started chasing me

I'm done acting like I won't be
Sitting here still wishing you wanted me
Don't say that I never told you
Take some advice from somebody who knows

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good
You should've when I would've
Now I know I've had enough
Better luck next time, girl
You should, it would've been so good

You should've when you could've
You're gonna miss my love, girl
You should, it would've been so good

-----

I found this song to be completely relevant. Not just the chorus, or the verses, but the entire song. -----

On a lighter note - I finally got a phone that works. It's a shitty $49 Nokia something, but it makes and receives phone calls and sends and receives SMS. Which is more than my old phone could do.

-----

Also, Sarah is coming over tonight (I hope). We're going to work on Busman stuff, even though my final SAC is today. It doesn't matter. It'll be good to just watch some movies and get drunk with her.

-----

I'm tired as fuck now. So I'll take a nap for the next 30 mins or so and see if I can feel better afterwards. Before going to class.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I don't even know what to say.

She's in a relationship.

I finally removed the guy she's in a relationship with on Facebook.

I now have no ties to her facebook wise, or MSN wise.

I miss her so much.

I just wish I could cry.

I don't even what to think about what my reaction would have been if I was still talking to her.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I love her. But I can't be with her. And it sucks.

I just wish I could move on as easily as she did.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

She was online.

I don't have her added. I don't talk to her. I'm trying to make a clean break. But the urge is there.

She commented on a mutual friends status on Facebook. I've been dreading this moment. To know she's online. And not be able to talk to her. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

I don't want to stop talking to the friends she introduced me to. They're good people. I don't want to lose contact with them entirely. But I'm afraid I may have to.

I did it, just to be safe.

I didn't want to. But I had to.

I hope things improve soon.

Once I finish this exam, I'm going to bed.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I know when I'm not wanted.

Especially since it's been happening more and more often, lately.
I don't care any more.
The teacher's can set all the trial exams and homework and preparation they want, but in the end, they're not the ones sitting the exam. They're not the ones under so much stress and pressure from the school, teachers, parents to do well. They say they care. The teachers say they care. They care alright. That big bonus from getting a certain number of students over a certain score means so much more than the actual well-being of the students. There's very few teachers who genuinely care about the well-being of their students. You can tell who they are, not only because they put in the extra time and effort, but they notice a change in the students behavior. Even something slight, and usually unnoticeable. My tutor teacher cares. He's the head of English. Other than tutor, I don't have him for any classes. He cares. He notices a slight change, or something wrong, like this morning. He knew there was something wrong, so he asked me to stay back. I did. He made sure I was okay. He made sure I wasn't too stressed out. He made sure I had ways to cope with everything, and he gave advice on how to handle it.
My English teacher cares when I don't hand in work, or when the school psychiatrist sends an email telling all my teachers to back off me. My Business Management teacher couldn't care less, unless I miss a SAC or something. But he has an air about him that demands respect and obedience. I do the work for that reason. Because I actually want to. He may not care. But he makes me care.
As for my Revolutions teacher... I couldn't give two shits about whether he cared or not. The fact is, I did history in year 10. World Wars, the Great depression, everything we covered earlier throughout our schooling, but much more in depth. Much more interesting. I loved it.
Year 11 came around, and I did two histories. Ancient History. Forgotten Wars. Forgotten Empires. Forgotten Leaders. And it was incredibly interesting. How the people lived hundreds of years ago, before technology gave us the entertainment we're so privileged to have today. Australian History was horrible. How Australia developed, how the Aboriginals were treated, Victoria. It wasn't a great class environment, either. The people in my class made it impossible to learn. I did horribly.
I was turned off history, but decided to give it a second chance. Revolutions. The American Revolution and the Russian Revolution. Ought to be interesting. But my Revolutions teacher does not teach the way I need to be taught. I cannot concentrate or learn in his class. And as a result, I have given up on history all together. I don't care any more.
My IT teacher doesn't seem to understand. "I don't sent much homework, so when I do, I expect it to be done." It's not about the amount of homework set. It's not about the people in the class. It's not about the class itself. I just can't be bothered any more. So fine. Set as many trial exams as you want. Keep me after school. I'm not going to do it either way. "But wouldn't it be easier to just get it over and done with?" It's not that simple. I don't do it just to "get it over and done with." I do it because I see a point in it. I know there's a point in setting trial exams, this close, but what I don't see is hope. When I do IT, I lose hope in myself. I'm the worst in my class. Everyone else has been getting better marks than me all year. And every trial exam or SAC I receive back just screams "You don't know enough! You're going to fail! You're bringing down the rest of the class! Why are you even here? You can't do this! Just give up!" So yes, I procrastinate work. I procrastinate IT mostly, not because I'm lazy, but because right now, my world is falling apart around me, and the only thing I have left is hope. If I lose that, I have nothing. So let me have what little I have in this emotionally devoid world by not forcing me to do IT, and I won't take drastic measures to silence the voices screaming in my head when I do IT.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a detention where I have to do IT.

-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I can't sleep at night.

I'm not sure I'd want to.
I have no regrets over what I did or what happened. She was incredible, and everything I did with her was fantastic. But the grief I put myself through... It wasn't worth it. Maybe another place, another time. But not this time. Not yet.
I need a sign that what I did was right. I know it was right. Doesn't make the pain any less.
Everything reminds me of her. My heart hurt when I listened to music this morning, but I knew I had to keep listening until the pain was dulled, or I became accustomed to it.
I still can't stop thinking about her.

I keep almost falling asleep in class, but I'm awake enough to know what's happening.

I need rest.
Good rest.

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906

www.haileybury.vic.edu.au

Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

Smartest, or strongest?

Either way, it was hard. It's tearing me up inside as I type this. I should be typing up an English essay, but this takes priority.

I know I'm going to feel like shit. I already do.

I want it to end. How could I be so stupid? How could I make such a huge mistake? How could I hurt her like that?

But it was necessary.

The amount of grief I cause myself over her...

It was killing me. I couldn't have lasted much longer. I wouldn't have lasted much longer.

I'll always love her. I always did. I always have. I've never doubted that.

But the amount of pain I put myself through, worried about every little thing in our non-existant relationship, and then the reminder that we were never in a relationship. That we wouldn't be in a relationship for at least another 5 months. I don't think I could have lasted the 5 months. Not without driving her away. Not without losing contact with myself. Not without losing myself. Who I really was. It's not healthy for one person in the relationship to need their partner more than they need themselves. And the pressure I added on her was unfair.

We both need this.

I'll hate myself for it for a long time. A very long time.

But it had to be done.

For her.

For me.

For the greater good.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I know this is offensive...

But it was too funny to pass up.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It's who I am...

It's what I do...

And it sucks.

I wish I had the willpower or the strength to change.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Fine!

If this is how you want it to be, then this is how it will be!

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Fine.

You don't want to talk? You can tell me. But you don't.

Next time you want to talk, you contact me.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

It only took me 6 hours...

But I finally got one IT exam finished. Four more IT, two Business Management,  One English, and Six English Essay plans. I think I'll do the essay plans and a Business Management trial tonight, then finish the rest off tomorrow.

Lets see how I do.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

You can hug my face anytime...

Because you look similar a vagina with legs.

Also, I'd give birth to a Xenomorph, and that would make me very happy.

-----

I really need to get back to work.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

As many of you may know

I've been struggling to find true happiness, on my own.

Last night I realised what I need to reach true happiness.

I'm going to need a lot of Lego.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

They made the crossover movies for a reason...

Alien vs Predator.

Alien is my sexy bitch, and Predator is far from that.

No thanks.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I'd love you no matter what you looked like...

Especially if you looked like this:

I love Xenomorphs so much, I can't even begin to explain it.

The elegance. The strength. The power. The beauty.

Glorious creatures. A magnificent creation.

If they didn't kill me on sight, I'd hug them and kiss them, and take them to bed. Because they're so magnificent and beautiful.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

So many problems?

What do I have going for me?

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

"There's a fine line between love and hate.

So why don't you stop hating what you are, and start loving who you are." - Ben Sanderson, October 1st, 2009, 2:15AM.

I know I plan on doing this more often.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Reality Check

"She said you mean alot to her, and she really cares about you, but it isn't an internet relationship and she doesn't really want you to try and 'woo' her."

I'm guessing that means she wants nothing more than friendship.

I can't be just a friend and watch her be with someone else. I have to leave.

I can't leave.

No matter what I do, my heart gets broken.

And my world comes crashing down around me.

-----

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous