Three other people is the most I can hang out with. Talk with. Be friends with. Why? Because I'm always "that" one in the group. The one that is only real friends with one person. The one that gets ignored by everyone else. The one that, when has an opinion on something, someone quickly starts talking over the top of me, managing to change the subject along the way, to something I have no opinion on. Something I can't talk about. Something I don't care about. I've never worked well in a group. I've never enjoyed working in a large group. If forced into it by teachers for school work, I do it. I take control of the group, knowing my opinion won't be heard any other way. And then I take into account, my experiences from large groups. So I ask for other peoples opinions. Try to get some input. But they're like me. They lock up when asked in a group. When someone other than them has control. When they feel like their opinion isn't being heard, or people are talking about things they have no interest in. When they are left out of any conversation, left to think about the important opinions they have, that will never be heard. The heights they could reach, if only someone paid attention to them. What they could do with their lives, if someone pretended to care. And even if I enter the group. I dared to enter. Why did I dare? Because I want to spend time with my best friend. And my best friend, again, ditches me to be with other people. Leaving me alone. I got one sentence from her. I was there for 30 seconds before the group broke apart. Before I was left alone. Always alone.She ditched me to hang with her new friends. I won't see her at lunch. I may not see her on the bus on the way home. I've seen her for all of 35 minutes this week. I'm going through a hard time. She knows. Does she care? Of course she does. How could she not? She's just so sick of dealing with my crap that, although she cares, she puts other people first. Other activities first. She's just like everybody else. She means so much to me, but she's grown tired of my company. How can I blame her? If I ever met myself, I'd grow tired of my company in the first 5 minutes. I guess I should be thankful that it's happening now. That she gave me the amount of time that she did. But I still hate it. Everybody says "everything will be fine." Will it? How d you know? What proof do you have? I feel like I'm being replaced. I know I'm not really. There's so little time of school left that she should make the friends she can. But I, of course, can't. I don't want more friends. I don't want to find more reasons to hang on to this tiny thread of happiness. The harder I hold on, the worse it is when I fall. And I fall so often, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm done with happiness. I'm done with friends. I was always going to be alone. I should have done what needed to be done when I had the chance. But now I'm in too deep. Too deep to escape. There's no way out. -----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
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Had you been there for the 15 minutes or so there was of recess before you showed up, you'd realise that I was going to go anyway to Multimedia with Henry, and Kim and Tash were getting ready to leave. I didn't 'ditch' you as much as fulfilled the obligations I made before you showed up.
ReplyDeleteI haven't grown tired of your company, though I may if you continue to say it like that. I have told you before. I am spending what time I can with them, that I can, before I leave for good. I have told you this, again and again. I am spending the time with them, that you have had for the past three years. I am not putting "other people" first. I am putting myself first. Something you have been telling me to do for years. I am putting myself first in relation to my family, and I am putting myself first in relation to you, and yes, even the others.
Being "that" one is something you perceive in yourself. No-one else sees it. Really. It's just you believing in it. It happens to everyone, a fairly commonplace occurrence in a large group. It happens. Being narcissistic enough to believe that it's your fault entire does nothing but make you feel bad.