There's no excuse for that.

My bahaviour towards my best friend as of late has been absolutely deplorable, despicable and disgusting.

Which is why I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me. Or see me.

I don't know what's been happening this past week or so, but my behaviour towards those close to me has dropped, significantly.

I've spent almost all day weeding out the reasons why that is. I've spent the rest of the time hoping Linh doesn't hate me. She doesn't. But she is furious. And with very good reason.

I wish we could go back to the way we were. Happy, friendly, messing around the way we did. But I don't think we'll ever be that close again. I don't think she'll let us get that close again. I hope she does.

She has good reason not to, of course. She did what she could to make everything work. I don't know why I took it so personally. I know what's wrong with me, thanks to Brian. Now I just need to save myself, and my friends from it. I need to stop it.

I hope she forgives me soon. But I can understand if she doesn't.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Gone for good.

Christ, I'm an idiot.

I let my emotions take control. I let him take control. And everything goes to shit.

I've lost, possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Forever. I love her. She tried to help. She tried so very hard. And I got upset for that. I got upset because she tried to help me do something she knew I couldn't do on my own. Something I needed her help with. Something I needed her friends help with. And I forced her away. I forced her away because I'm an idiot.

I didn't want to lose her. I wanted her to understand. Understand why I hurt so much. And now I hurt even more.

I don't think I can ever fix this. We'll never be as close as we once were, only a few weeks ago.

-----

Something's happening to me. I'm losing my grip on sanity. I'm losing control.

I need to figure out how to stop this. How to get him out of my head, or get him on my side.

I can't risk this happening again. I can't risk losing her like this again. I'd be fine if we drited apart because we were both so busy that we couldn't see each other. But this... Not like this. Never like this.

I need to find myself. Find who I am. I need to be comfortable with that. Or else this will keep happening, and I'll end up with nothing. I don't want to end up with nothing. I want to have friends who like me for me. But if I don't take complete control of this thing inside my skull, it will never happen.

I need to take control. I need to win. I don't have any other choice.

This is a battle only I can be involved in. Only I can fight for.

This battle has to end.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous