Will I really be okay?

I don't know. And this has been one of the main problems in our relationship from the start. I feel fine talking to her. I feel better than fine. But a little while after the conversation... I don't know what happens. The truth comes back to haunt me, I guess. I have a tiny, insignificant chance with her IRL if I play my cards right. I know I won't. I'll keep making mistakes. Keep fucking things up. Try to fix things. Make things worse. Why does she do this to me? Why do I let her do this to me? How can I continue? Why did I call her? What did it achieve? More false hope that will eventually break my heart even more. False hope for me to hold on to. False hope for me to use as a basis to make things worse. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? I still love her and it will be a long time before that ends. It may never end. I still believe we're perfect for each other. Why? Because we have similar interests? Because I don't know when to stop? Because I'm too stupid to understand that "no" actually does mean "no"? She makes an escape, and it hurts me. She gives me an ultimatum, and it hurts me. But still I find a way to hold on. And I know I will hold on. We were together for one week. One week, before the pain. I managed to hold on. And it led to this. To the point of not being able to get an erection for any one else. To not being able to think of anyone else romantically because she has my complete attention. If I masturbate it is only to the things that we have "done" in the past. It used to be things I had done in the past and I would just imagine it was with her. that doesn't work any more. There were two instances of it being with her. They weren't real. But they were amazing. How can something that wasn't real be so incredible? I'm beginning to think there is no escape. No way to leave. Not safely. not sanely. And she does drive me crazy. She drives me ansolutely bat shit insane. I can't see myself with any one else. Ever. I get the feeling that if everything that was going on in her life had happened later, or if we'd met earlier things would be different. I put too much pressure on her. I put too much pressure on myself. Why can't I just relax and let it all happen? Or end. I'm not depressed. I'm just really down. How could I not be? Sometimes I wish the world would end. If Linh's life doesn't pick up by her 18th birthday, it's over for her. I know I can't have the same mentality, but sometimes it feels like the only option. It's funny. I got a "Love" good luck charm. I could really use the luck right now. I get the feeling I should start praying. Pray to God. I've never thought he existed, but if he does, I could really use his help right now. I've never believed that God made the universe and everything. I've always needed some proof. But I've been able to reinforce some things in my life without proof. Faith. I have faith in the little things. "There's some one out there for every one", "Everything will work out", stuff like that. I've always believed in them. Maybe it's time I put my faith into something else. Something bigger. That doesn't mean I'm going to go to Church every Sunday morning and say grace every meal and whatever. There's so much going on in my head right now. It hurts. There's no escape. There is an escape. There must be. Or I could use Sarah's cure. Listen to really loud music, drown out my thoughts and exasperate my energy until eventually, the thoughts have gone themselves. Maybe I can do this from now on. Maybe this is how I need to be like until me and Shannyn can meet up. There's no way I can fuck things up if I'm not over thinking everything. I guess this is all I can type for now before I go deaf.