It was me. I guess Linh was right when she said Shannyn and I would be perfect for each other. We're similar in so many ways.
I even hurt Linh the same way Shannyn hurt me.
Shannyn hurt me so badly, that I had to leave.
I hurt Linh so badly she had to leave.
I understand now, why we cannot be friends again.
I'm sorry.
The realisation that Linh and Shannyn are incredily similar, except for the fact that Shannyn achieved in 6 months what took Linh 3 years, the fact that my heart has now been broken 4 times in one year (don't worry, there's still enough time to make it 5), or the fact that Linh, whose opinion I put above most others, managed to reassure me that I'm going to live and die alone. She knows me better than any one ever has. At least I thought she did. Now, I don't know what to believe.
What can I believe? Living alone, dying alone. That's going to happen regardless. Do I believe my "friends"? What few friends I have. Those who tell me I have so much to live for, and my whole life ahead of me. But what is a whole life? I see a whole life as from a person's birth, to their death. Does that mean some ones life who ends early was whole? No. They haven't had the chance to experience all the things a "whole" life should experience. Like marriage and children and happiness. But maybe some of us weren't meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Marriage, kids, happiness... They were all things I looked forward to.
But now it seems like it would be an impossible accomplishment for me to get that far. Will I get that far? Outlook is bleak. If I do, it won't last. Nothing ever lasts for me.
And so I just lie here, staring at the roof, doing nothing. Why bother with anything?
"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." I can't do this much longer.
While another person can repair that damage almost instantaneously.
I feel like I've been here before.
Slightly different situation, but close enough.
I guess the pain never ends.
