Killing me slowly.

The distance. The need to communicate. The need to be with her. The need to know that she's okay. That she's coping okay. I tried to distract her. To protect her. To take her mind off everything else and give her happiness for the brief time we had together. I managed to fuck that up pretty well. And now I'm here trying to cheer myself up. Good to know Linh can help with that every know and then. I don't know if it makes me a horrible person for laughing so hard at it, but it's really fucking cute. Not my fault. I do love her. I miss her more than anything. The past few days have been the most painful thing I've ever had to experience. I honestly don't know how I've coped. Failbog.org has helped. But even that reminds me of her. I tried to play L4D and had to stop because I was almost crying. I was playing L4D when she sent me that first message. I can't even play games any more. I can't do anything without being reminded of her. Her perfect face. Her angelic voice. Her beauty. There's no escape. The only way I've been able to cope is by consistently telling myself "She never want to be with you. She never loved you. She never cared about you. It was all your fault." It was mostly my fault. I don't know what to do. Everything reminds me of her. Everything sends me back. Everything calls for me to talk to her. To call her, at the very least. I don't want to hold on if I'll be nothing more than a friend for the rest of my life with her. But it feels like I don't have a choice. I just wish I'd given her the space she needed when I had the chance, rather than the space she can barely find a use for, when it's too late. I just wish she'd reach out to me. E-mail. Comment. Facebook. Send the first MSN message. But I get the feeling that isn't going to happen any time soon.

Song lyrics.

The perfect song for me. I'll make the relevant parts bold so it's easier to understand. Faint - Linkin Park: I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact That everyone can see these scars I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel But it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you to just believe this is real So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident 'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can But sometimes I don't make sense I am what you never want to say but I've never Had a doubt, it's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out So, I let go watchin' you, turn your back Like you always do, face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you are all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored No, hear me out now, you're gonna listen to me Like it or not, right now, hear me out now You're gonna listen to me like it or not, right now I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored, time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I can't feel, I won't be ignored, time won't heal Don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored I'm just lost in a world of nothing. No motivation. No energy. I try to vent and my mind just gets more thoughts until it feels like there's no escape. No. There is an escape. I know the escape. The mental pain can only have one relief. But I refuse. Because I know people that have taken that option. The ones that managed to escape the option itself have told me it's a bad idea. And the scars would never go away. A lifelong reminder of what I did. As if I don't have enough of those already. The only escape is no escape at all. Just a different pain. I won't go through with it. But then another option presents itself. And this option seems like a better idea. It would provide an escape for everybody. I've done nothing but cause pain and suffering wherever I've gone. When my parents found out about my suicidal thoughts, my mum broke down and cried. She couldn't handle it. I've been a disappointment my entire life. Never been great at sports. Never even been good at sports. Never been a high achiever. Never done overly well in classes. I got a High Distinction in year 5 then struggled through year 6. Year 9 was a fiasco. Year 10 wasn't any better. Year 11 started to pick up. And now, here I am in year 12. Struggling through, convinced that, not only will I be alone for the rest of my life, but that I'll also be that guy. The one the flunks out of university, lives with his parents until he's 40 or they die, and just generally fails at life. And if I'm not living with my parents, it will be because they bought me an apartment and pay for all my stuff any way. The final option begins to look like a more and more promising escape from my life. For everybody. But I couldn't do it. Not only could I not put them through the pain of it, but I know I'm destined to live out the rest of my life, a drain on society. So here's another LP song. Once again, the relevant parts are in bold. Given Up - Linkin Park: Wake in a sweat again Another day's been laid to waste In my disgrace Stuck in my head again Feels like I'll never leave this place There's no escape I'm my own worst enemy I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? I don't know what to take Thought I was focused but I'm scared I'm not prepared I hyperventilate Looking for hope somehow somewhere And no one cares I'm my own worst enemy I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? God! Put me out of my misery Put me out of my misery Put me out of my Put me out of my fucking misery! I've given up I'm sick of feeling Is there nothing you can say? Take this all away I'm suffocating! Tell me what the fuck is Wrong with me? There was also a line from Watchmen. It was a horrible movie, but one line stuck with me. 'I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."' I find that very relevant. I've always been the happy, easy-going guy. I still am. When I'm with my friends. But alone... Well... "I am Pagliacci." I've been getting worse and worse. I certainly picked up before the end of school. On the trip I was too distracted to notice. Too busy. But now. Left alone to my thoughts... "I am Pagliacci.". My only choice is to leave her alone. Not talk to her. Let her sort things out for herself. If she wants to talk, fine. She can message me. She can unload on me. But I won't be making an effort any more. There's nothing else I can do. I just hope she starts to feel different about me. Soon. I had another dream this morning. Most of it has faded, but enough is still clear for the damage to be done. All I remember is meeting up with Shannyn. At her house. The first thing she said to me was "Can you hold on for 5 minutes? My husband and I have to hang up some curtains." It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. My first nightmare in a long time. The pain ripped through me. And I woke up. Waking up like that. Especially when my mind was overflowing and clogged and it just got worse and worse until I found only one option. Drown them out. It was too early to drown them out this morning. Even with head phones. I tried waiting until a better time, but I was told off for having my music too load. It's beginning to feel more and more like there's no escape. I look for hope, but there's nothing. Stuck in my head. There's no escape. I'm not prepared. No one cares. I'm my own worst enemy. I've said all I can for now.