Killing me slowly.

The distance. The need to communicate. The need to be with her. The need to know that she's okay. That she's coping okay. I tried to distract her. To protect her. To take her mind off everything else and give her happiness for the brief time we had together. I managed to fuck that up pretty well. And now I'm here trying to cheer myself up. Good to know Linh can help with that every know and then. I don't know if it makes me a horrible person for laughing so hard at it, but it's really fucking cute. Not my fault. I do love her. I miss her more than anything. The past few days have been the most painful thing I've ever had to experience. I honestly don't know how I've coped. Failbog.org has helped. But even that reminds me of her. I tried to play L4D and had to stop because I was almost crying. I was playing L4D when she sent me that first message. I can't even play games any more. I can't do anything without being reminded of her. Her perfect face. Her angelic voice. Her beauty. There's no escape. The only way I've been able to cope is by consistently telling myself "She never want to be with you. She never loved you. She never cared about you. It was all your fault." It was mostly my fault. I don't know what to do. Everything reminds me of her. Everything sends me back. Everything calls for me to talk to her. To call her, at the very least. I don't want to hold on if I'll be nothing more than a friend for the rest of my life with her. But it feels like I don't have a choice. I just wish I'd given her the space she needed when I had the chance, rather than the space she can barely find a use for, when it's too late. I just wish she'd reach out to me. E-mail. Comment. Facebook. Send the first MSN message. But I get the feeling that isn't going to happen any time soon.