I just wanted to help.

But did I end up making things worse?

Sometimes I feel like you deserve better and I'm sorry that I'm not. But I love you. I'd do so much for you. To keep you happy. To make you happy.

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I have a fluffy pink tiara

Actually, I don't. But I have a photo of me wearing one.

That counts, right?

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I haven't been this scared in a long time.

Are we going to be okay?

This is the first time I've thought we haven't.

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I think it's time for a rant.

I haven't posted here in so long because almost everything in my life just seems... Perfect. For once, life seems perfect. All except one thing. So I'm here to get some things off my chest.

 

You're my best friend. I know you think it's stupid and I'll just end up getting hurt, but she makes me happy. Right now, I'm happier than I've ever been. Why can't you just let me stay happy? The one thing that makes me s happy may have just gone to Darwin from Adelaide, and the chances of us seeing each other often are incredibly low. Here's the thing... 22 days. 22 days until I see her.

22 days. I've never been more excited for anything in my life. 22 days and I fly up to see her. I get to see her, I get to go to her formal, I get to hold her, kiss her, be with her. I know it might seem like an over statement, but I honestly think in 3 weeks I will be starting the best weekend of my life.

I can't wait. You said you'd be happy for me, and then something happened. What happened? We were fine one minute, and you were ready to support me, but then you turned around and spat it back in my face. I mean... What the hell?

Yes I can be an idiot, and yes, I tend to say things that annoy you or upset you, but you're still my best friend. But rather than supporting me, you pointed out how your old best friend couldn't do it. "And when he really wanted to hold her and kiss her, he couldn't so he cheated on her and it completely destroyed him". That may be true, but I'm not going to do that. Her smile, her laugh, her sneeze. Her squeaks. Everything about her makes me so incredibly happy.

I know you don't think I can do it. Your words: "if an extremely hot girl came up to you and wanted to have sex with you, you wouldn't be able to resist". I could. First off: No "extremely" hot girls are going to come up to me for sex. It's not going to happen. Ever. So you challenged that. "What if I came up to you, drunk and horny?" What would happen? I'd tell you to take care of it yourself. At the time you asked, you had an unnofficial boyfriend. He's now your official boyfriend. I helped make that happen. I helped you be with someone else, because you matter to me. You're my best friend. I watched you cheat on him, Twice. I heard how little you cared, and then you tell me you can't lose him because you love him. Not hearing from him for a day freaks you out. You get terrified. I'm the same with her. I freak out when I don't hear from her for a day. 

I'm not going to cheat on her. I'm going to do everything I can to make this work. Because I love her. And I want to make it work. I hope she feels the same.

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On the train, in the class

This morning on the train, I was listening to my music. As I travelled past Springvale at the unreasonable hours of the morning, once again, I was afraid of seeing Linh.

But then i asked myself "Why?" Why does she scare me so? Why do I let her scare me?

If I ever ran into her again, I would have something very important to say.

"What you did to me was unfair. I should never have let it get to that. And i don't want to be your friend again. Looking back on myself since I cut you out, I was unhappy for a little while. But without you, I am happy. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Why should I compromise that for anyone but myself? Especially you."

I thought of this on the train.

-----

I'm in class now.

Guess I better start researching.

Yay?

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Day 3 - No contact

I know she's okay, and she just doesn't want to go on MSN, but I still worry.

I miss her.

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Last night's dream.

I dreamt of Shannyn. Nothing sexual, she was just there. Sitting on my couch, with one of my sister's friends, watching TV. I was terrified. Nervous. But I spoke to her. There was no awkwardness, no fear in my voice. As soon as I got the first words out, all my fears washed away. Listening to her voice from next to me, on my couch made me feel much better. There was much more to the dream, but that was the most significant.

I guess she really is the woman of my dreams.

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Day 3

Of all the friends I've made so far, I'm glad I hang out with the ones I do. In case of emergency "I'll pull a stop sign out of the ground and impale ***** on it." (***** may be substituted for any possible monster, zombie or demon that happens to attack us while at school) This particular group, consisting of the token blonde girl, the 3 FPS nuts, the 1 Halo pro gamer, and 2 RPG scrubs will prove useful during a zombie apocalypse.

It's going to be a very good year.

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Fantastic.

Here I was prepared to link the first image I found after searching "Fantastic" in google images, and I realised I had no idea how to properly make an image appear as an image on here. Has it really been that long? I guess it has.

Instead, I decided to find an old post with an image, and just change the source code, so it would all work.

I went back too far.

Back to my very first blog.

The good old days, where Linh hadn't ditched me for a bunch of randoms, talking to Linh about how terrified of talking to I was Shannyn.

Terrified of scaring her off, saying something I'd regret, doing something stupid. Knowing I how felt with her, but being so unsure of myself.

Situations have changed. I can get drunk now. But that's not all. I'd like to think I'm more mature. Have more life experience.

I can talk to other people about Shannyn, though it's not the same as it was once. Not nearly the same.

Reading through old blogposts is probably the last thing I want to do know. I'm much better than I was. No longer depressed. I drop sometimes, but it's not nearly as frequent, or as severe.

I don't want to go back there.

College starts tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea what's happening, when I start, anything. 40 hours of study, per week. 10 per subject. 16 assessments over each 12 week trimester. It's going to be a lot of work. Fun, but hard.

*insert sexual innuendo signoff*

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In space...

No one can hear you scream. but what if you're in a spacesuit speeding off, screaming into the radio?

Wouldn't the people on the other end of the radio hear you, until you got out of range, atleast?

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20 more minutes

Until it becomes official.

Not just another day.
This day. Why is there this day?
I know it's meant to make everyone feel special, cared for.
I understand Christmas has the highest suicide rate, but why not this day?
You'd think this day would be much more of a let down than Christmas.
This day.
This day in particular.
Why?
Why this day?
It seems almost that those closest to me, are not that close.

Out with friends, paying no attention to the day. This day.
Because they've never truly experienced this day?
Quite possibly.
Because they've never had a chance to experience this day.

But then, I began to take notice of this day, long before I had a chance to experience it.
I saw the happy couples going around.
It seemed everyone had a special someone they thought of.
It seemed someone had a special someone but me.
Everyone thought of someone in a special way, or liked someone in a special way, and on this day, they showed it, without regret.

But on this day, it seemed nobody thought of me, specially.
Everyone got a card, or a gift, but me. No gifts. No cards. No thoughts.

And then, you meet that special someone.
That someone you think of specially, and who thinks of you specially. And the presents flow, even when it is not this day. This day.
But then something happens, and you only remember the bad times. Contact is cut, and you have two options.
1) Hate her, for sending you through this pain.
2) Hate yourself, for letting yourself become so vulnerable.
Sometimes you can go through both of these at the same time. resulting in a final and third option.
3) Hate her for making you so vulnerable.

And when you think that all is said and done, the world ticks over, and contact is reestablished, and with it the feelings, thought to be long forgotten. They weren't forgotten. They were in hiding, waiting for the perfect time to return. And they do. The return ten fold.

But once again, the distance holds itself between you.
And you wish, and hope, and pray and do whatever you can do inorder to hold onto these feelings. So rare, sometimes fleeting feelings. But not for her.

And you make your choice. Too far for anything to become of it. Too much drama to be anything now. Too complicated. And on this day you make your choice.

You wait. For her. Because there is no one like her. No one similar to her. No one that can replace her. No one that can change your feelings for her.

And as it ticks over to this day, you know what you'll do.

The question remains, again, whether you can handle it, and you hope that you can. You want to be able to. For her. Because she is worth everything you have, and so much more. And you will never meet anyone like her. And you will never replace her. And you will never feel like this with anyone else.

And that is why, on this day, I am alone. For this one day , this day, I choose to spend it alone. To wait. For her. Because she is worth it.

Another Valentine's day alone, for a reason different to every other year. Every other year, nobody wanted to give me anything, and i was too afraid to give anyone anything.

This year, it's for her.

Happy Valentine's Day. <3

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Ah, the convoluted reality of life

It's impossible to comprehend.

Why do we feel the way we feel? Why do we feel the way we feel about certain people? What pulls us to some people more than others? Why do we keep returning to the same people?

Questions with impossible answers.

Instead, you need to take a small section of your life and control it. The only part you can control. Self control. I'm doing that now.

Coke is to be drunk on special occasions only.

If it is not a special occasion, Coke shall not pass these lips.

Time to take what little control I have over both my self and my life, and harness it.

I hope I can stick to it.

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Over a month.

Since I last posted. I've been doing some self reflection over the past week, looking back on the year. From this date last year, if I may list out everything that's happened:

I was heartbroken
I fell in love with Shannyn
I was heartbroken
I continued loving Shannyn
I was heartbroken
Cut off contact with Shannyn
Rebound
Met and began to like Cassie
Lost contact with the rebound girl
Fell for Cassie
Cassie manipulative and made me fall for what she wanted me to fall for, not her for her
Began contact with Shannyn again
Began disliking Cassie more and more
Still in love with Shannyn

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that all my friends think my life is completely fucked up, and if they could avoid being forced to trade lives with any other single person, it would be me. Not someone caught tin the Haiti earthquake, not someone starving to death in Africa, Me. That doesn't really make me feel special.

Ness is coming over tonight for a few hours, but I have no idea what's happening. She just arrived.

Life is very, very, very complicated.

Why can't I just have a normal life, for once? Small family, a desk job, a mortgage. That sorta stuff. God knows I'll get there, but it's going to be a long, difficult, complicated, twisted, windy road.

Fuck it. Maybe I'll get there sooner than I think.

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Enough near death experiences...

Well, what an interesting New Years celebration.

Learnt the drinking game Kings. I quite liked my rule, though. If you sit down, you have to take 10 drinks. Proper drinks. It was quite funny to watch the 5 other drunk people swaying trying to avoid their chairs.

But that was later in the night.

The first few near death experiences were all from Ness driving. Only one was encouraged by me when a horrible song came on, and I requested that she kill us while we're still normal. It was actually a very fun drive.

Then we got in the pool. Almost drowning because I slipped with Ness on my shoulders, couldn't get my footing and when I finally did, she leant forward to get off my shoulders and let me breathe. But she's a lifesaver, so I wasn't too worried.

Then a trip to the hospital. Not for me, though. I stayed in the pool. Poor Ness and her gigantic arm bee sting, though.

Then there was jumping in the pool during a lightning storm with everybody, while drinking Beam and having fun.

It was after this that I was taught the game of Kings. I don't remember exactly how to play.

Ace - 7 Black: Drink that amount of mouthfuls from your own drink.
Ace - 7 Red: Select any person around the table to drink that amount of mouthfuls from their own drink.
8: Make you're own rule that must be followed. (The 3 rules we managed to make were:
1) Whoever says "What" must then take 8 mouthfuls of their own drink.
2) No sitting down. If you sit down, you must have 10 mouthfuls.
3) No females are allowed to talk at the table. If they did, for every word spoken, they had to take 3 mouthfuls. [there were 4 females, and 2 males playing.])
9: Topic card. You choose a topic and go around until someone goes out.
10: Thumbmaster. Any person with a 10 may put his/her thumb on the table, and the last person to do so must have a mouthful. This can happen at any time during the game, unless a person is already drinking.
Jack: Fountain. The person who recieves a Jack card must start drinking, followed by the next person, until every person at the table is drinking. You may only stop when the person before you stops.
Queen: Queen Bitch. You make a selected member of the table your bitch, and they must do whatever you command.
King: A glass stands in the middle of the table. The first 3 Kings must poor their drink into this glass, until it is 1/3rd full. When the glass is full of whatever concoction of drinks the Kings have chosen, the final King must drink it.

This game is subject to change, depending on the group of drunks you're with.

And then that guy went nuts. Screaming and raging and just going generally insane. The girls were terrified, I didn't know him well enough to try help calm him down, so I just positioned myself between him and the girls.

What made it even worse was when he got pissed off enough to get in his car and attempt to drive off, completely smashed off his face, swerving all over the road. We called the police to catch him beore he hurt anyone, but luckily he came back for his phone and his friends were able to calm him down.

Luckily, he didn't stay the night, but he did come back this morning to apologise for his behaviour, to everyone. He's coming to Merrijig with us, but has sworn off the alcohol for the trip.

We leave tomorrow, and I still haven't started packing. Holy crap! Eep!

It's going to be a fantastic trip. I can't wait.

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