She'll never know how important she was to me.
She'll never know how much I cared about her.
She'll never know how she made me feel.
She'll never know much I loved having her in my life.
She'll never know how much I loved talking to her.
She'll never know how beautiful I thought she was, every time I saw her.
She'll never know how much I admired her.
She'll never know how much I loved her.
But most importantly, she'll never know how much I hate myself for causing this.
It was me. I guess Linh was right when she said Shannyn and I would be perfect for each other. We're similar in so many ways.
I even hurt Linh the same way Shannyn hurt me.
Shannyn hurt me so badly, that I had to leave.
I hurt Linh so badly she had to leave.
I understand now, why we cannot be friends again.
I'm sorry.
The realisation that Linh and Shannyn are incredily similar, except for the fact that Shannyn achieved in 6 months what took Linh 3 years, the fact that my heart has now been broken 4 times in one year (don't worry, there's still enough time to make it 5), or the fact that Linh, whose opinion I put above most others, managed to reassure me that I'm going to live and die alone. She knows me better than any one ever has. At least I thought she did. Now, I don't know what to believe.
What can I believe? Living alone, dying alone. That's going to happen regardless. Do I believe my "friends"? What few friends I have. Those who tell me I have so much to live for, and my whole life ahead of me. But what is a whole life? I see a whole life as from a person's birth, to their death. Does that mean some ones life who ends early was whole? No. They haven't had the chance to experience all the things a "whole" life should experience. Like marriage and children and happiness. But maybe some of us weren't meant to be happy. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Marriage, kids, happiness... They were all things I looked forward to.
But now it seems like it would be an impossible accomplishment for me to get that far. Will I get that far? Outlook is bleak. If I do, it won't last. Nothing ever lasts for me.
And so I just lie here, staring at the roof, doing nothing. Why bother with anything?
"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." I can't do this much longer.
While another person can repair that damage almost instantaneously.
I feel like I've been here before.
Slightly different situation, but close enough.
I guess the pain never ends.
Today I was reading MLIA, and realised not all the stories were average. Some of the were awesome. While trying to work out if there was a site for this, I realised the MLIA at the end of each story could stand for "My Life Is Awesome". MLIA
My first submited MLIA story.
I hope it goes through.
She's right.
She's always right.
It's my fault I'm here.
I got myself into this.
And now that I am in this, I don't know how to get out.
She deserves better than me, anyway. And I was a horrible friend.
But sometimes I wonder. Are the good times frequent and enjoyable enough to be worth the suffering? Or is this just leading to one giant shit hole of a life?
Someone nearby that I could trust. Someone I could tell anything. Someone I could talk to, and have fun with, and enjoy the company of, and would feel the same about me.
Someone who cared about me no matter what I did.
Someone who would always be there for me, to help me out when shit hit the fan.
Someone who would forgive me, no matter what I did.
Someone who would love me, no matter how much I hated my self.
Someone who would love me for me.
Someone I could tell my secrets, and not have to worry about them telling someone else.
Someone who wouldn't talk about me behind my back.
Someone I could trust with anything.
It's good to have someone like that in your life.
Wait...
Never mind.
Yes, it's a dedication. To whom, you decide. I guess it depends on whether you want to pretend we ended on good terms and that the song reminded me of some one else.
-----
Skillet - Open Wounds
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds? Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus] Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end?? You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
With you gone, I've only got my internet friends.
Don't tell me I don't. I was introduced to a new friend, but oh look, just like everybody else, she wants nothing to do with me.
Internet friends. Can they be called that?
If they knew something was wrong, I know of only one who would try to stop it. One person outside of my family, and they live on the other side of the fucking world.
I was happy for you. I still am. You have friends. You have value.
But when you got friends and started ignoring me, I needed support more than ever.
You have value. Use it. Do everything you can to make your mark on the world.
God knows it's too late for me.
I'll see you in Hell.
Nice to know our friendship means so little.
I tried. I did stupid things. Everybody does stupid things. But you don't care.
Tell me. Is it lonely all the way up there on your high horse?
You're not better than anyone. I have the urge to say you're worse than a few people, but that would be a lie. I know plenty of people worse than you. And you were the best person in my life for 3 years.
But why would that matter? How could that possibly mean anything to you now?
Seems everytime I try, you find something to bring me down. Something that can temporarily destroy me. And you use it to the best of your ability.
But you don't care any more. I do. I've always cared.
When you called and said you took pills while I was in another country, i thought I would never see you again. Nothing has scared me more.
When I caught the early bus without you, because I was hanging with Richard. You took the pills and I had an ambulance called for you. When you cancelled that ambulance, I was terrified.
Everytime you threatened your own life, I became terrified. Everytime I thought I made a mistake that tipped you over the edge, I freaked out.
But you don't care. Why would you?
I can see that I mean so little to you now.
And if you disagree with any of this, maybe you should find a way to prove it, rather than just telling me. Wouldn't want you to get my hopes up.
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
