If only because the van in front of us took a full minute to get around the round-a-bout at the train station. Giving the train enough time to pull in, open the doors, let everybody off and on, and then leave.
But that's not my main concern right now.
-----
Last night, Linh and I had a fight. A big one.
But she finally got what she wanted. She forced me away. There was no way I could handle her, as I began dropping. So I let go. I let her go. The things I said to her were horrible. I didn't mean them. I just wanted to hurt her. The things she said to me were horrible. I hope she didn't mean them.
Wouldn't surprise me if she did mean them. I guess I've given her enough crap to deal with, and I keep piling it on. She's better off without me. Seems like everybody is.
It appears to be coming to the point where the only person I can trust is the person I hate. I know he hates me. I know he'll insult me. And I can trust that won't change in the week and a half of school we have left, since we've hated each other for the past few years.
I really am losing them. I'm losing Linh. Richard was lost a long time ago. Not just to me, but to our group of friends all together. Jack and I were never really that close. Nathan and I used to go bike riding, but that hasn't happened for many years. Now he only talks to me in English, and even then, it's only when he wants or needs something. Steve. He's my last real friend. Even then, we fight every now and then, as friends do. We make up, as friends do. But if it's so easy to lose someone as close as Linh, how do I know I won't lose Steve?
I don't really have any other friends. Sarah, I talk to online, and we have yet to meet up in real life. Madi barely talks to me, and I don't blame her. She's a smart, beautiful girl who appears to be way out of my league. Shannyn's out of my life for good. I can't go back to her. I can't let myself make that mistake. The pain would kill me.
Linh's the only tangible friend I have left, since I can't see Steve every day. And I can't talk to her today. Looks like I'm all alone. "You are born alone, and you damn sure die alone." Looks like I'm going to be living alone as well.
I really should have seen this coming.
I don't know why I didn't.
Skillet put it fairly well.
-----
Skillet - Say Goodbye
Things are changing
It seems strange that I need to figure this out
You've got your life, I've got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left asking
Where has all the time gone now?
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't wanna believe it's over
Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye
Do you remember in December?
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
Our feelings would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead, I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now?
Can we make it last somehow?
We both knew what we've gotta say, not today
'Cause I don't wanna leave this way
Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye
Ind if it's over, it hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were, happy like we were
Don't say goodbye
'Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
'Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye
Yesterday we were laughing
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I am left here asking
(If you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye.
-----
We both knew it would get to this point. One of us would fuck up so badly that the other left. I guess I wasn't expecting us both to fuck up so badly.
I had a line about how I have things to look forward to, and I wanted Linh there to see it, but I realised how pathetic it sounded and decided not to leave that in.
And that's all I am really. Pathetic. Arousing pity through vulnerability or sadness. Sounds like me.
Maybe I can finish posting this on the bus, after Linh's got on, so I don't have to see her, or the pain I caused. Maybe she'll avoid me as well, so she can't see the pain she caused.
I'm sitting right at the front of the bus. I'm actually scared to face her after what happened last night. I want her to sit next to me when she gets on so we can apologise and move on, but I'm terrified of her sitting next to me. What to do?
I just need to keep my head down and hope for the best. Whether that be her sitting next to me, or not.
All i can do is hope.
Hope appears to be all I have left.
She missed the bus.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I hate being confused and conflicted.
-----
It's now period 3. I passed her during recess. She looked directly at me, then quickly looked away. I felt like such a shit for what I said, I couldn't even bring myself to apologise.
I did, however, send her an SMS, letting her know where I was, incase she wanted to talk. Something tells me she'd rather be with her other friends than me. It's been getting like that a lot lately.
She's my best friend. Her opinions influence my decisions. I genuinely care about what she thinks and how she feels. I feel like shit if I do something wrong. I feel like shit for what I did last night. I am shit.
She'd be better off if I just faded away into a distant memory. It would just about kill me, of course, but at least then she'd be happy.
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
Posted via email from Erebus's posterous
