I know when I'm not wanted.

Especially since it's been happening more and more often, lately.
I don't care any more.
The teacher's can set all the trial exams and homework and preparation they want, but in the end, they're not the ones sitting the exam. They're not the ones under so much stress and pressure from the school, teachers, parents to do well. They say they care. The teachers say they care. They care alright. That big bonus from getting a certain number of students over a certain score means so much more than the actual well-being of the students. There's very few teachers who genuinely care about the well-being of their students. You can tell who they are, not only because they put in the extra time and effort, but they notice a change in the students behavior. Even something slight, and usually unnoticeable. My tutor teacher cares. He's the head of English. Other than tutor, I don't have him for any classes. He cares. He notices a slight change, or something wrong, like this morning. He knew there was something wrong, so he asked me to stay back. I did. He made sure I was okay. He made sure I wasn't too stressed out. He made sure I had ways to cope with everything, and he gave advice on how to handle it.
My English teacher cares when I don't hand in work, or when the school psychiatrist sends an email telling all my teachers to back off me. My Business Management teacher couldn't care less, unless I miss a SAC or something. But he has an air about him that demands respect and obedience. I do the work for that reason. Because I actually want to. He may not care. But he makes me care.
As for my Revolutions teacher... I couldn't give two shits about whether he cared or not. The fact is, I did history in year 10. World Wars, the Great depression, everything we covered earlier throughout our schooling, but much more in depth. Much more interesting. I loved it.
Year 11 came around, and I did two histories. Ancient History. Forgotten Wars. Forgotten Empires. Forgotten Leaders. And it was incredibly interesting. How the people lived hundreds of years ago, before technology gave us the entertainment we're so privileged to have today. Australian History was horrible. How Australia developed, how the Aboriginals were treated, Victoria. It wasn't a great class environment, either. The people in my class made it impossible to learn. I did horribly.
I was turned off history, but decided to give it a second chance. Revolutions. The American Revolution and the Russian Revolution. Ought to be interesting. But my Revolutions teacher does not teach the way I need to be taught. I cannot concentrate or learn in his class. And as a result, I have given up on history all together. I don't care any more.
My IT teacher doesn't seem to understand. "I don't sent much homework, so when I do, I expect it to be done." It's not about the amount of homework set. It's not about the people in the class. It's not about the class itself. I just can't be bothered any more. So fine. Set as many trial exams as you want. Keep me after school. I'm not going to do it either way. "But wouldn't it be easier to just get it over and done with?" It's not that simple. I don't do it just to "get it over and done with." I do it because I see a point in it. I know there's a point in setting trial exams, this close, but what I don't see is hope. When I do IT, I lose hope in myself. I'm the worst in my class. Everyone else has been getting better marks than me all year. And every trial exam or SAC I receive back just screams "You don't know enough! You're going to fail! You're bringing down the rest of the class! Why are you even here? You can't do this! Just give up!" So yes, I procrastinate work. I procrastinate IT mostly, not because I'm lazy, but because right now, my world is falling apart around me, and the only thing I have left is hope. If I lose that, I have nothing. So let me have what little I have in this emotionally devoid world by not forcing me to do IT, and I won't take drastic measures to silence the voices screaming in my head when I do IT.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a detention where I have to do IT.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I can't sleep at night.

I'm not sure I'd want to.
I have no regrets over what I did or what happened. She was incredible, and everything I did with her was fantastic. But the grief I put myself through... It wasn't worth it. Maybe another place, another time. But not this time. Not yet.
I need a sign that what I did was right. I know it was right. Doesn't make the pain any less.
Everything reminds me of her. My heart hurt when I listened to music this morning, but I knew I had to keep listening until the pain was dulled, or I became accustomed to it.
I still can't stop thinking about her.

I keep almost falling asleep in class, but I'm awake enough to know what's happening.

I need rest.
Good rest.

Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
HAILEYBURY
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Posted via email from Erebus's posterous