Monday Eve...

I'm going to keep it brief tonight.

It's an odd sensation to have on a Monday evening. I guess I let it all out last night. But I feel fine. Extraordinarily sleepy, but fine.

Supernatural is awesome, so it helps with the feelings.

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I told my mum what Adam said. Recommending I see the specialist. She's fine, I think. I'm not really sure.

"What do you think of yourself when you're not down." Right now, I'm in an awesome mood. But I'm too tired to think (story of my life).

I'll do it later, for I am: Procrastination Man!

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I'm really not helping my case for being a completely straight guy...

"Biccy: That's a really weird comment for a straight guy to make Ben. Me:I know. Linh's made the same comments. But I only like Jensen Ackles and Hugh Jackman. Biccy: Hmmm.... Only? Only them? Only? Me: Only those males. Shit."

I guess... I have no idea. I know I'm not gay. I prefer women. A lot more to men. I guess I'm... Questioning? I'm straight, but I know hot when I see it. But those two men are the only people I will ever admit it for.

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The following will make Linh feel like shit. Only read if you want to put yourself through that. You've been warned.

Well now I'm depressed. I don't know what I'm doing any more.

I know I haven't done my homework. I know the next few weeks are important. I know more than most people. I don't care anymore. Everything that's been going on in my life lately has affected my ability to work. In class, at home. It doesn't matter.

The last thing I need to be told is that I'm a selfish prick. I'll never change. And it will probably result in my failing of year 12. This leads to the spiral. I'll fail year 12. I won't get into college. I won't be able to get into Uni. I won't get a good job. I won't get a bad job. I'll be stuck living with my parents until I'm 40 and kill myself becaue I'm still so alone, or they die. And that brings on the loneliness.

It wasn't even just the getting pissed at me that hurt. "I'm disappointed in you." That hurt the most.

I've tried to do my essays. I have 400 words for one of them. I have run out of things to say. I have run out of things to write. I'm not even sure I'm doing it correctly. In fact, I'm 100% sure I'm doing it wrong. That's one of the reasons I'm going to fail year 12. I have no idea if I'm doing it correctly or not. I don't know. I feel like everything I do is wrong, because I have no idea what's going on in any of my classes.

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I'm not sure if I've used these lyrics before or not. Regardless, I'm using them.

One stop closer - Linkin Park

I cannot take this anymore Saying everything I've said before All these words they make no sense I found bliss in ignorance Less I hear the less you'll say You'll find that out anyway Just like before Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear Wish I could find a way to disappear All these thoughts, they make no sense I found bliss in ignorance Nothing seems to go away Over and over again Just like before

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up when I'm talking to you Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Because I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break

This pretty much explains itself right now.

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I'm going to head to bed now. I might go see Adam tomorrow. Without Linh. And I was doing so well tonight.

I don't know.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Double English Monday morning.

No Gordon. That's a good thing. Especially since I haven't done my homework. 3 900 word essays over 2 days? Unlikely to get done. They were originally optional. Now they're suddenly compulsory. And I haven't done them. Something tells me I'm going to be stuck at school late every night this week, just to get them done. Fuck that.
 
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Last night was... very odd. I was feeling like shit, said 'good night' to Linh and was ready for sleep when all of a sudden... I don't know. I had a tingling sensation on the outer layer of my skin all down my right side and suddenly... I was being crushed. I was being crushed by my own skin or in my own skin. It was terrifying.
And it wasn't like I was just scared, I shook my arm and it did nothing. Meaning I still felt like I was being crushed. I jolted upright and the sensation disappeared.
It was the weirdest thing I've ever experience. I'd rather not feel like that again. Everything just got so heavy that it crushed me. My thoughts. The whole world. Everything. Everything came rushing down on me and crushed me underneath it's weight.
 
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I'm feeling heaps better as compared to last night. But I know it will be back. It's always back. I'm just surprised it came on so strong last night. I worry for what I'm going to be like tonight. I won't do anything. I'll never do anything. But it hurts so much. It's almost unbearable.
 
I'm going to see Adam about it in period 5. Just means I miss out on another Business Management class.
I don't even know what I'd say. "I have an unhealthy obsession with being lonely and it gets me depressed"? That doesn't sound pathetic at all.
 
I guess I'll get Linh to explain it for me. I don't know. I guess we'll find out.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous