Thursday, August 6, 2009

English SAC

Wow. I'm not even sure I did it correctly, but either way I did it.
I finished it fairly quickly (40 minutes instead of a full hour), then decided to have a shot at the second one. I need to do fairly well in it, and continue to do fairly well in English so I can get into the course I want to do. All it requires is an SA in English Unit 4.

 I'm not scared right now, but I probably should be. It's Shannyn's decision, and I let her know if she really wanted to, I would do it. I would ask the question for her. I would do anything for her. But I'm preparing myself for the slow, eventual "No" in reply to her letting it happen with me. I know why she'd say "No". To be honest, I can't really see why she'd say "Yes".

 She has her own stuff to deal with, and I have my own stuff to deal with. Plus there's the distance. One of us would have to move. I don't expect her to move down to where I am, for me. I can't expect to move up to where she is, for her. not that I don't want to. But that it will be a long time before I will be able to. At least 3 years, with GAP year, and hen 2 years of College or 3 years of Uni, it just gets all so... It can't be done soon enough.

 She doesn't have much time left with her mum. I just wish I could be there for her in that time. Not just as a friend in a different state, but actually there to hold her and comfort her, and reassure her that it would be okay. I can't do that from where I am. I wish I could be there for her.

 I'm so confused. Everything's moving so fast, there's no way I can stop it. I wouldn't expect to be able to stop it, but slow it down, at least. If I could slow it down I could deal with one thing at a time. Do one thing, get it out of the way, deal with another, get it out of the way.

 I hate it when it gets like this. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I've always gone with the flow of things. I've never had to fight for something I really, truly want. But now I do. And I will fight with every breath I have until the day I die.

 Let's hope that isn't soon.

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 Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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