The truth.

She logged on today. She didn't message me. I knew she wouldn't. Not because I'm a defeatist, but because it's the truth. There's too much room for me to make mistakes. There's too many ways I can fuck up again. I'm not ready. I may not be ready for a very long time. And she knows that. She knows by talking to me before I'm ready... It will make things worse. It's difficult, but necessary. I've decided, once school starts, I'll listen to my ipod on shuffle. The 15th song to come on, I find the lyrics for and bold the lines that were most relevant to my day. For some songs it will be very vague, or I'll have to explain it and it will be very confusing. Or it will just be a very random song put in the middle of my post. I guess we'll find out how things turn out.

Hardest thing I've done.

I don't know why, but she logged on last night. It was like my last test. I couldn't message her. I wasn't allowed. I wanted to. More than anything else, I wanted to. Part of me was screaming "MESSAGE HER!" while the rest was screaming "DON'T!". I know she reads this blog. She told me. So she knows what's going on in my life and mind. But I don't know what's going on in hers. I don't know what's worse. Being so unsure of the situation, or knowing that I can't ask her. She didn't message me. I knew she wouldn't. She's got too much going on in her life to worry about me. I want to make sure she's okay. I want to make sure she'll be okay. I need to know that she'll be able to cope. -------- Last night, something happened. I bought a little wooden skull in Vietnam. It sits on the right hand side of my bed on my bedside table. My laptop sits on the left hand side of my bed, on my desk chair, at night. So then why did I wake up and have the skull on my laptop, beneath the keyboard, on the right of the touchpad. Right where I put everything that I'll need in the morning, such as my phone. How did it get there? What was I doing last night? It's 5:40am. Somehow, I've been awake for 40 minutes. Paintball today, Rock climbing tomorrow. And she's still the most prominent thing on my mind. I need an escape. But there isn't one. I might be feeling better about myself at times, but I still get down. And it hurts. I hope everyone that reads this has an enjoyable... something.