So I guess this is it.

Tonight I saw HP6. Brilliant movie. Much better than expected. As much as it cut out, it kept the important bits and changed a lot of things. I was scared because I was told that they cut out too much and it was horrible and "How could Rowling be happy with that movie?". I'll tell you she could be happy with that... Because it was a brilliant movie. Shannyn... Yes I miss her. Yes I want to talk to her. But I had a revelation... She broke my heart. I can't change that. I can't fix it. I can't change her mind. So why should I make myself feel like shit for that? Yes I feel like shit. But she won't take me back. She needs to take care of herself. I hope she can. That said if she ever comes down to Melbourne, which I hope she does, I will welcome her with arms wide open. I need to get past this. It still hurts. But it needs to be done. Adding a random thought. Everyone says "Don't worry.". I'm beginning to think that particular term is dramatically overused. Maybe I wasn't worried. Maybe I was just curious. Any way. As much as it pains me to say this. Shannyn did the right thing. I do hope our paths cross again. I do hope we meet up. I do hope I get a second chance. But it will be a long time before that happens. I have to go. Paintball early tomorrow morning. Not fun, but it's paintball.

Two dreams in one.

The first dream was truly amazing. We were on a school trip or something, similar to my Vietnam/Cambodia trip, except she was on it as well. We were stopped somewhere at the top of a small valley for lunch. Shannyn and I walked down to the bottom of the valley and just lay down next to each other and just talked for hours, about everything. She felt better about everything. The chemistry came back for her and everything was perfect. We hugged. We held each other. It was tangible. It was right. But then I woke up and was thrown into a second dream, similar to the first. We were on a trip together. Separate rooms. I didn't even realise she was there until towards the end. I saw her. I knew it was her. She was heading upstairs after lunch again. I called out for her to wait for me so we could talk. Talk about everything. Make her feel better about everything. Let her know I was worried about her mum as well. But that wasn't what happened. I called out to her and ran upstairs. I thought she'd gone up the next set of stairs, so I put my head down and kept going. Straight past her. She wasn't happy about that. She got pissed at me. I tried to apologise. I tried to tell her I was worried. It had no effect. She just got angrier and angrier at me until I gave up. Knowing me it would have been the second dream IRL and I would have just made things worse and worse for her. I'm a horrible person. I can't do anything right. She deserves the best of the best and no matter what I do, I know I can't give it to her. And that's what makes this that much more painful.