I love how not so innocent thoughts can slip into my mind and begin the downward spiral into my depression. I'd normally have no problem dismissing these thoughts, but sometimes I can't because of the message they bring. This time it was shattering.
How do I just dismiss a thought that takes my greatest weakness and uses it against me? Not just my greatest weakness, though. My greatest weakness and something I've always hated about my self. It takes those things and makes it my greatest fear.
What I've always hated is the threat of my brother with girls I like. It's always been the case that girls I have liked, have liked me back. The first girl I asked on a date wasn't someone I felt deeply about, but she was the first girl I ever had a s a friend. She agreed to a date. She blew me off. Stood me up. Didn't show. I sat through the entire movie alone, hoping she'd show, because she said she would. She didn't. She lied to me.
If that wasn't bad enough, she later met my brother. Who then asked her on a date. She agreed. She showed. She liked him better than me. It wasn't just that he had taken a potential girlfriend from me. He had taken a friend. Since then, rather than hang out with me, she'd hang out with my brother. She completely forgot about me from then on, and I haven't really seen her since.
I don't blame her. I'm not a great catch. The only girl who gave me more chance than my brother, is my best friend.
Again, these not-so innocent thoughts, took these insecurities and created my greatest fear.
What if I finally met the girl of my dreams... The one I was meant to be with forever... And even worse... What if she liked my brother more?
That's not my greatest fear. Before this, my greatest fear was that I'd never meet Shannyn. Never be with Shannyn. Never have another chance with her. She was (and still is) my greatest weakness. My greatest fear now is (in the extraordinary off chance) what if she meets my family. What if she meets my family, and likes my brother better? What if she likes my brother better? How will I cope if I met Matt's new girlfriend, and it was the girl of my dreams? I don't know what I'd do.
I'm struggling to get over her enough as it is. I can't handle this, and these thoughts are not helping at all.
I know this is just going to cause problems. I know I can't dwell on it. But between this thought, and the fear of losing my best friend, I've never been more terrified of anything in my life.
I don't blame her for not wanting to be with me. Both in real life and in my dream. I'm so insecure. My insecurities drove her away. My insecurities will continue to push her away. My insecurities will push every one away. Every one I ever have a chance with. Every one I will ever fall in love with. My insecurities will drive them away, exactly like they drove Shannyn away, and I will end up alone. There's not much I can do to avoid it. Unless I settle.
I know it would be a huge mistake. possibly the biggest of my life. But when confronted with the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, or being with someone who loved me, but I didn't love as much back... I'd settle. I can't believe I'm honestly saying that, but I would settle if I had to.
I know I won't settle. I'll never find any one who loves me enough to let me settle. If I do settle, it will be with my best friend, because of our marriage pact. "If both of us is single when we get to 30, we'll marry each other". If we both make it to 30. Now I'm not so sure I'll make it to 30. It seems like I'm losing touch more and more every day. I'm beginning to think that settling would be a better and better option, and I should take it as soon as the opportunity presents itself. If the opportunity presents itself.
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I guess now's as good a time as any to do the lyrics.
Another Round - Foo Fighters
I do apologise to my Posterous viewers who are spammed with songs, and probably receive ear cancer on account of Posterous having no "autostart= "false"" command.
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I think I've said everything I possibly can to try and feel remotely less horrible. Not that it has worked at all. But it was worth a shot.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
