I think I'm going to cry.

I can't handle this. The thought of not being with her is painful. More than painful. Tormenting. I can't not contact her. But I have to. I keep making the same mistakes. I never learn. I'm an idiot. She deserves the best of the best. But I can't give it to her. I'm not worthy of her. I wish I was worthy. I wish I was a better person. But I'm not. And I hate myself for it. People are always saying "There are plenty of fish in the sea", but we all know it's bullshit. There's only been two people that I've ever fallen for, and those same two that have found me attractive. I can't handle it right now. I don't know what to do. I've been told to move on. Learn from my mistakes. I guess I'm not ready. I may never be ready. I don't know. I guess I'll find out.

Losing her would be like losing myself.

It's the only way to explain it. I can't say "It's as simple as that" because it's not simple. It's the most complicated thing I've ever considered. I'm terrified of her. No. Not of her. Of losing her. It scares me more than anything in the world. It is the most horrifying thought and it tears at me. I know she at least loves me. Not in love with me, but she cares and I'm important to her. It provides hope. And the thought of being with her washes away that fear. Holding her. Hearing her voice. Being in her presence. We'll be together. I can feel it.

She closed her account...

I panicked. Why would she do it? So I called her. "I just felt like I needed a break." A break from what? LiveWire in general? Me? Was it something I did? Did I push her away? Did I scare her away? I know I'm overreacting and being silly, but I can't help it. Her MSN fucks up, so I don't get to talk to her on there. I don't go on my email enough to have a proper conversation with her on there. LiveWire was my only option to talk to her. "I have alts (alternate accounts), I'll be around." When? When will she message me on LiveWire to say she's made an alt? Talking to her is amazing. Calling her was liberating. Hearing her voice makes my mind go blank, and I have to rethink everything I'm going to say. Without her... I feel lost. Yes. I understand it sounds a little obsessed, but that's because she has taken complete control over my mind. I can't stop thinking about her. I know the real reason she did it. She can't handle it, with everything that's going on in her life right now. So then why does it feel like my fault. Even though we're not technically together... It's serious for me. She's the only person I can think about and get an erection. I can't masturbate to porn. I just need to think about her. I know Linh will beat and berate me when she reads this. I don't care. It feels like the only thing I have to look forward to is a trip up to her which hasn't been organised yet. There will be no one else. There can be no one else. She's too perfect.