Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Am I really that entertaining?

I mean honestly. 23 different people read my blog. What does it actually do for you?

I do hope to get some answers in the form of comments.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I really need to learn...

When to shut the fuck up.

I just don't seem to get it.

I'm an idiot.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I guess I never considered...

That things could just keep getting worse. That I could keep making things worse. I'm about as low as I can get without being suicidal.

I need help, but I can't ask anyone. I've seen the school psych twice today, and once yesterday. Its beginning to turn into my next blog thing, where I go see him about 5 times a day.

Is there no end to this misery?

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

God fucking dammit...

I thought I was ready. Far from it.

 I thought I could handle it. Far from it.

 I thought so much, but the pain comes back. Reminding me that she's not mine. That she'll never be mine. That I have no chance. That I never had a chance.

 It's getting worse.

 First it was the tongue-lashing I received from Linh. Not because I was upset at her. But because I feel like I make things worse for her.

 After getting over that, I became invisible. Almost as soon as I returned to normality, I became invisible. And that got me down.

 And finally, after talking to Adam... I'll never have a chance to be... anything. I'll never have a chance to be anything more than I am now. A depressed, invisible... nothing.

 I just want to lie down and cry. But I can't. I can't cry. I can't show emotion other than either happy, angry or depressed.

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 I can't do anything but sit here and poor my heart into mindless words that mean nothing to the people who read them. I'm nothing more than a faceless void who never feels happiness to you people. You sit there and accept that this is way I am.

 You don't care about me. Really care. You enjoy reading my blog for your entertainment, but if something serious happened, would you care? Would you try to stop it? I'm fairly sure I know the answer.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

I guess I didn't realise...

I've always been invisible. I've always been excluded. From groups of friends, parties, conversations. Even people. I've always been excluded. I've been so excluded that I've almost become invisible. I've become invisible to most people that would have considered me their friend at one point. I've become so invisible that people that have been my friends have forgotten about me. I've been so excluded that almost every friend I have now will be quickly and brutally forgotten. It starts slowly at first, but by the end of it, I barely remember when I started to forget, because it all happened so fast. But the one person I've always thought would remain there for me. The one person I've always thought would be there for me when I needed it. The one person I could always be there for, when they needed it. The one person, when at the end of it all. After everything we've been through together. I've always thought would be there. The one person I would never forget. The one person who would never forget me.

 I guess I didn't realise how invisible I was becoming. When that one person doesn't see me. Doesn't acknowledge me. Doesn't accept that I exist.

 It's funny. This is exactly what I was talking about in my other blog. How it would be better for this to happen. I guess I don't really believe what I think I do, half the time.

 I guess I don't know what to do any more. Even though I do. It's getting harder and harder to cope. I just went the confusion. The pain to end. Everything. Everything. Everything to end. Just make it stop. That would make it all so much easier.

 I guess I really don't know any more.

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 Erebus Pursue the Darkness

 Erebus Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

It's not her fault.

It's mine. It was always mine. It's always been mine. I try to care. I try to reassure. I try to be there. It only makes things worse. She's upset, so I try to make her feel better. It only makes her either more upset, or extremely pissed at me. There's nothing I can do to cheer her up. There's nothing I can do to make it better. And I hate myself for making it worse.

It's all I've ever done. It's all I ever do. It's all I'll ever do. I do nothing but make things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better off if she got away from me. If she stopped letting me destroy her the way I am. A constant reminder of what I do, every day. A constant reminder of what she could become. Happier. More successful. Better. But only away from me.

We both know that's not going to happen. As soon as it starts, I'll pull her back in. Slowly killing her. Or swiftly. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

There's only two options for the escape. She has a chance to be free. It won't be long before she realises. But what then? I guess we can only wait to find out.

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There's only one thing I can do. I can't say "I don't know any more", because I do know. I know exactly what needs to happen. I need to pull myself out of this hole or suffer the consequences.

But how do you pull yourself out when there's no opening to pull yourself out through.

I'm compelled to remember a Criminal Minds episode:

Children were being sold as sex slaves over the internet. One of them was held in a room. No windows. No door. No vent. Nothing. No way in. No way out. The room was constructed around him.

Just like this hole was created around me. It was created around me, with no chance to escape. So I find others. Others that have been in this situation and have escaped. I want them to help me escape. but all I do is pull them back in with me.
Why? I don't know. I don't do it intentionally, but as she said last night: "Intentions are irrelevant if the outcome is the same".

The only questions that remain is: What is there left for me to do? What should I do now? What am I going to do now?

I guess I'll have to find out the answers as soon as possible. Before I make things worse.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous