It's not her fault.

It's mine. It was always mine. It's always been mine. I try to care. I try to reassure. I try to be there. It only makes things worse. She's upset, so I try to make her feel better. It only makes her either more upset, or extremely pissed at me. There's nothing I can do to cheer her up. There's nothing I can do to make it better. And I hate myself for making it worse.

It's all I've ever done. It's all I ever do. It's all I'll ever do. I do nothing but make things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better off if she got away from me. If she stopped letting me destroy her the way I am. A constant reminder of what I do, every day. A constant reminder of what she could become. Happier. More successful. Better. But only away from me.

We both know that's not going to happen. As soon as it starts, I'll pull her back in. Slowly killing her. Or swiftly. Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

There's only two options for the escape. She has a chance to be free. It won't be long before she realises. But what then? I guess we can only wait to find out.

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There's only one thing I can do. I can't say "I don't know any more", because I do know. I know exactly what needs to happen. I need to pull myself out of this hole or suffer the consequences.

But how do you pull yourself out when there's no opening to pull yourself out through.

I'm compelled to remember a Criminal Minds episode:

Children were being sold as sex slaves over the internet. One of them was held in a room. No windows. No door. No vent. Nothing. No way in. No way out. The room was constructed around him.

Just like this hole was created around me. It was created around me, with no chance to escape. So I find others. Others that have been in this situation and have escaped. I want them to help me escape. but all I do is pull them back in with me.
Why? I don't know. I don't do it intentionally, but as she said last night: "Intentions are irrelevant if the outcome is the same".

The only questions that remain is: What is there left for me to do? What should I do now? What am I going to do now?

I guess I'll have to find out the answers as soon as possible. Before I make things worse.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

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