Fantastic.

Here I was prepared to link the first image I found after searching "Fantastic" in google images, and I realised I had no idea how to properly make an image appear as an image on here. Has it really been that long? I guess it has.

Instead, I decided to find an old post with an image, and just change the source code, so it would all work.

I went back too far.

Back to my very first blog.

The good old days, where Linh hadn't ditched me for a bunch of randoms, talking to Linh about how terrified of talking to I was Shannyn.

Terrified of scaring her off, saying something I'd regret, doing something stupid. Knowing I how felt with her, but being so unsure of myself.

Situations have changed. I can get drunk now. But that's not all. I'd like to think I'm more mature. Have more life experience.

I can talk to other people about Shannyn, though it's not the same as it was once. Not nearly the same.

Reading through old blogposts is probably the last thing I want to do know. I'm much better than I was. No longer depressed. I drop sometimes, but it's not nearly as frequent, or as severe.

I don't want to go back there.

College starts tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea what's happening, when I start, anything. 40 hours of study, per week. 10 per subject. 16 assessments over each 12 week trimester. It's going to be a lot of work. Fun, but hard.

*insert sexual innuendo signoff*

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In space...

No one can hear you scream. but what if you're in a spacesuit speeding off, screaming into the radio?

Wouldn't the people on the other end of the radio hear you, until you got out of range, atleast?

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20 more minutes

Until it becomes official.

Not just another day.
This day. Why is there this day?
I know it's meant to make everyone feel special, cared for.
I understand Christmas has the highest suicide rate, but why not this day?
You'd think this day would be much more of a let down than Christmas.
This day.
This day in particular.
Why?
Why this day?
It seems almost that those closest to me, are not that close.

Out with friends, paying no attention to the day. This day.
Because they've never truly experienced this day?
Quite possibly.
Because they've never had a chance to experience this day.

But then, I began to take notice of this day, long before I had a chance to experience it.
I saw the happy couples going around.
It seemed everyone had a special someone they thought of.
It seemed someone had a special someone but me.
Everyone thought of someone in a special way, or liked someone in a special way, and on this day, they showed it, without regret.

But on this day, it seemed nobody thought of me, specially.
Everyone got a card, or a gift, but me. No gifts. No cards. No thoughts.

And then, you meet that special someone.
That someone you think of specially, and who thinks of you specially. And the presents flow, even when it is not this day. This day.
But then something happens, and you only remember the bad times. Contact is cut, and you have two options.
1) Hate her, for sending you through this pain.
2) Hate yourself, for letting yourself become so vulnerable.
Sometimes you can go through both of these at the same time. resulting in a final and third option.
3) Hate her for making you so vulnerable.

And when you think that all is said and done, the world ticks over, and contact is reestablished, and with it the feelings, thought to be long forgotten. They weren't forgotten. They were in hiding, waiting for the perfect time to return. And they do. The return ten fold.

But once again, the distance holds itself between you.
And you wish, and hope, and pray and do whatever you can do inorder to hold onto these feelings. So rare, sometimes fleeting feelings. But not for her.

And you make your choice. Too far for anything to become of it. Too much drama to be anything now. Too complicated. And on this day you make your choice.

You wait. For her. Because there is no one like her. No one similar to her. No one that can replace her. No one that can change your feelings for her.

And as it ticks over to this day, you know what you'll do.

The question remains, again, whether you can handle it, and you hope that you can. You want to be able to. For her. Because she is worth everything you have, and so much more. And you will never meet anyone like her. And you will never replace her. And you will never feel like this with anyone else.

And that is why, on this day, I am alone. For this one day , this day, I choose to spend it alone. To wait. For her. Because she is worth it.

Another Valentine's day alone, for a reason different to every other year. Every other year, nobody wanted to give me anything, and i was too afraid to give anyone anything.

This year, it's for her.

Happy Valentine's Day. <3

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