Not the regular kind of headache either.
The kind of headache that only comes along when thoughts are racing around, crushing me inside my only skull.
It's extremely inconvenient.
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It's subsided.
Now I'm getting all the lyrics for different songs on iTunes, using "GimmeSomeTune". It's a pretty good program, and means next time I want to post song lyrics, I use that instead of searching for lyrics through google.
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell everyone that today during lunch, after having a fantastic time messing around with Linh (meaning she abused me), I got depressed.
I was just thinking. The first girl I fell in love with left me because I fucked up. I know it wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the reasons. Then the next girl I fell in love with had a brief amount of time to be interested in me before I destroyed it. Now I'm alone for however long it takes.
For some stupid reason it seems like I've had my chances and lost them.
It's stupid and it make no sense. I'll have other chances. I know I will. So why don't I actually believe it?
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Pokemon. I haven't watched that show in ages. Seems like the only decent thing other than Law & Order is Pokemon: The First Movie. I guess I'll have fun watching.
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In other news, Matt's working on a play tonight. He took one of his old Haileybury friends and one of the girls from TAFE or something. So Matt and Ness are gonna come home soon and get drunk. That will be enjoyable to watch.
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I guess it's time to add another song.
By_Myslf - Linkin Park
Myself What do I do to ignore them behind me? I can't look around By myself (myself) I can't look around Don't you, Don't you, Don't you, Don't you Don't you (know) Don't you (know) Don't you (know) Don't you (know) Don't you (know)
Myself
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)
If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)
Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside
I feel like I'm stuck on the outside at school. In my life. Linh's the only one who cares where I am. The only one who makes an effort to see me at school. Steve's the only one who makes an effort to see me outside of school. That makes a total of two really close friends. The others couldn't care less if I didn't show up to school for 3 days straight. Linh would panic in the first day. Steve wouldn't know. We don't talk much. We don't have much to talk about. But he's still one of those guys that would know. He'd find out. He's a great guy. I think one of the problems I have with him is that he's male. It's not his fault. I've just always had a problem opening up to guys. Showing weakness. He wouldn't take advantage of that, I know it. But every other guy I've known, including Richard, has taken advantage of it. Bullied me for being emotional. We just need to sit down and have a good long chat about everything.
I let Linh in. She knows everything about me. Even stuff she didn't want to know. It shouldn't be that hard to let Steve in as well, as long as we start off with a good chat. That's always how it starts with me.
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I was going to dedicate a song to Linh, but I can't find the one I was going to use. Son of a bitch.
Oh well. Guess I'll just have to put in our favourite conjoined song. The one we yelled out as we walked to Red Rooster from school.
The East has stolen what the West may want - Moneen
August 1961 stole
The taste of freedom
The life i used to know
16 long years to wait and wonder
Did she make it? Safely make it? Is she still alive?
If she's still breathing then I'm still waiting.
No hope in love.
Scream at the thought, it's not ok
And you dream of the day that she'll be here.
I still remember the last note you sent.
Eight simple words said
"No hope in love, no hope in waiting"
No hope in hell that I'll stop waiting, that I'll stop loving you.
If you still loved him, you'd wait for him.
No hope in love.
Scream at the thought, it's not ok.
And you dream of the day she'll be here.
And your last dying wish would be to see her one last time
When the wall came down.
Scream at the thought.
No hope.
Scream at the last thing you said.
There's no hope in love it's just inside your head.
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Guess there's no Rock Climbing for another 3 weeks. Steve messed up his foot, then he's got skiing the week after. It sucks, but we'll get there eventually.
-----
I guess I'm on my own for now. Everyones gone to bed. Everyone except me. I'm tired, but sleep eludes me.
-----
I just need to get used to being alone. The cat won't sleep in my bed any more. Shannyn doesn't want to be with me. My entire relationship with Linh has changed, and I'd rather not go back to what it was when we were dating.
I just need to accept that I'll be alone for a while. I'm not attractive. I'm not that smart. I try to be funny and fail, horribly. Granted, I have my moments, but they're few and far between. I'm not good at sport. I'm not good at playing an instrument. I have very little going for me. I don't know how I got Linh to accept (asking 10 times, getting rejected 9. She probably just got sick of saying 'no' so said yes, to shut me up.). I don't know what Shannyn saw in me before I completely destroyed that. The only thing I'm good with is making random pictures in Photoshop. No ones ever going to be interested in those. I won't make a living off those. I've got nothing to look forward to. And I hate that. It's like having a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 17. It's just down right depressing.
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I better go. I have soccer at 10am and it's almost 1am. Let's see how well I play.
