Until it becomes official.
Not just another day.
This day. Why is there this day?
I know it's meant to make everyone feel special, cared for.
I understand Christmas has the highest suicide rate, but why not this day?
You'd think this day would be much more of a let down than Christmas.
This day.
This day in particular.
Why?
Why this day?
It seems almost that those closest to me, are not that close.
Out with friends, paying no attention to the day. This day.
Because they've never truly experienced this day?
Quite possibly.
Because they've never had a chance to experience this day.
But then, I began to take notice of this day, long before I had a chance to experience it.
I saw the happy couples going around.
It seemed everyone had a special someone they thought of.
It seemed someone had a special someone but me.
Everyone thought of someone in a special way, or liked someone in a special way, and on this day, they showed it, without regret.
But on this day, it seemed nobody thought of me, specially.
Everyone got a card, or a gift, but me. No gifts. No cards. No thoughts.
And then, you meet that special someone.
That someone you think of specially, and who thinks of you specially. And the presents flow, even when it is not this day. This day.
But then something happens, and you only remember the bad times. Contact is cut, and you have two options.
1) Hate her, for sending you through this pain.
2) Hate yourself, for letting yourself become so vulnerable.
Sometimes you can go through both of these at the same time. resulting in a final and third option.
3) Hate her for making you so vulnerable.
And when you think that all is said and done, the world ticks over, and contact is reestablished, and with it the feelings, thought to be long forgotten. They weren't forgotten. They were in hiding, waiting for the perfect time to return. And they do. The return ten fold.
But once again, the distance holds itself between you.
And you wish, and hope, and pray and do whatever you can do inorder to hold onto these feelings. So rare, sometimes fleeting feelings. But not for her.
And you make your choice. Too far for anything to become of it. Too much drama to be anything now. Too complicated. And on this day you make your choice.
You wait. For her. Because there is no one like her. No one similar to her. No one that can replace her. No one that can change your feelings for her.
And as it ticks over to this day, you know what you'll do.
The question remains, again, whether you can handle it, and you hope that you can. You want to be able to. For her. Because she is worth everything you have, and so much more. And you will never meet anyone like her. And you will never replace her. And you will never feel like this with anyone else.
And that is why, on this day, I am alone. For this one day , this day, I choose to spend it alone. To wait. For her. Because she is worth it.
Another Valentine's day alone, for a reason different to every other year. Every other year, nobody wanted to give me anything, and i was too afraid to give anyone anything.
This year, it's for her.
Happy Valentine's Day. <3
Posted via web from Erebus's posterous
