I get it; your life sucks more than mine. Your situation sucks worse than mine. But that doesn’t mean you have to bring it up when I need your help. I just need to find a way to get past this. I’m not trying to say you’re better than me. But maybe I should. You’ve dealt with it longer. You’ve handled it better. You’ve found ways to forget it’s even there. I haven’t. You’ve found someone that can make you happy and take care of you the rest of your life. I haven’t. You’ve found someone who looks like that person to hang out with and be with until you’re with him properly. I haven’t. I haven’t done or been able to do any of these things.
You’re gorgeous enough to be asked out. I’m not. I’m not going to be asked out by a random girl. I’m not going to get a date, even if I just fiddle with things, like you do. It won’t happen. I know it won’t. You need to be semi-good looking for that. I’m not. I have a good personality. That’s what wins it over for me. But no girl is going to start flirting with me in a random store, on the street, anywhere; before they get to know me. I’m not good at talking to girls. I’m not. I can’t talk to a random girl and hope they try to continue with the conversation. I can’t talk to a random girl and pray that I say the right things.
Every time I think about it: “What if she gets upset?”, “What if she doesn’t want to talk?”, “What if I say the wrong thing?” and a million other thoughts flood my skull. I get nervous. She’s never seen me try to talk to another girl. She’s never been able to sit there and watch me embarrass myself, before I even move to talk to them. I get sweaty. I hyperventilate. I panic. When I first met Linh, I was panicking on the inside. I was panicking more than I’ve ever panicked before. When I met Shannyn, I was fine. It was over the internet. I’m fine on the internet. Maybe I’ll get a nice e-girlfriend and have a happy e-life, all the while, wallowing in my own misery in the real world.
I can do it on the internet because until they tell me, and provide a picture, and find a way to prove they’re feminine, or A trusted friend has told me other-wise, Everyone on the internet is male. I knew Shannyn wasn’t because Linh told me, but the anonymity provided by the internet made me feel safe. Even when I was talking to Shannyn, I was nervous, anxious, and neurotic. It couldn’t really be helped.
I’m not a football jock who’s always had everything provided for me because I’m good at sports. I’m not the kind of guy who walks around with giant muscles. Mostly because I don’t have them. I’m not the kind of guy that ever will. Those are the kind of guys that get girls. The arrogant, self-confident, cocky assholes who treat the girls like crap, because to them, they’re just another girl. I can’t do that.
When I fall in love, I fall in love for keeps. Even with Linh, I still love her, but it’s changed. I still love Shannyn and there’s no helping that. There’s no stopping it. There’s no way to stop this feeling. It just is. It always will be. I’ve tried getting past this, but it won’t let me. I’m not giving up, though. I’ll find a way. For her.
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I don’t know what to do. I have to validate myself by being in a relationship. I’m needy. I’m clingy. I’m not what a girl would want. I never have been. The next time I get a girl is when I’m in my mid-40’s, living with my parents and she dumps me because my life is so depressing. I won’t find a girl. A girl won’t find me. I’ll be alone for a long time. There’s no stopping it. Who am I kidding? I’ll be alone ‘till I’m dead.
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Listen to me. 17 years old, the back of an 80 year old, having a midlife crisis that won’t end. Next I’ll revert to praying. Please God… Give me a sign. Yeah, like that will ever happen. Either he doesn’t exist, or he just doesn’t care. And thus, we come to the heart of the problem. He just doesn’t care. She just doesn’t care. They just don’t care. For all I know, they never did. They never will. Not about me. (We've moved pass discussions of God here) For all I know, they never will. It's not a choice. It's an acceptance of the way the world is. I don't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. I won't have many friends because I'm a very weird person. The only person I ever thought I could count on was Linh. I knew she'd always be there for me. Even after school. But even that... I'm starting to lose that thought. The thought that she won't be there for me like she has been. The thought that I won't be there for her like I have been. Like it ended up prolonging the inevitable, by only a little bit. Like either way, somethings going to happen. Something big. And I won't be able to handle it. Not without help.
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She's a good friend. How could I ever doubt it? She's my best friend. We love each other. It will be good to go out to the city on Sunday and just... get out. We'll be taking our notes so we can "get some study done", but we both know that won't happen. Hopefully she agrees to be my "wingman" and help me hook up with someone while there.
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I don't know any more. I don't think I want to know any more.
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Lyrics will be posted later. I still don't know what they'll be.
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Wordcount: Over 1,000 words in a single post, without lyrics. That's a new first for me.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
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