Just as I thought I was getting there.

It comes back, crushing me under its weight.

I've always believed everything will be okay. Everything will work out. I'll meet the right girl. I'll be happy. We'll have kids and a nice house and everything will be perfect. So why is it so hard to believe that now? I know the answer. The same way I know that not everyone meets the right girl. Not everyone is happy. Not everyone has kids and a nice house. Not everyone has everything perfect. I know this to be true. People get old and die alone. People get divorced. People starve. People die young. Civilians die in war. There is no 'happily ever after'. Everybody has problems. But I wish there was. God I wish there was. Meet someone. Fall in love. Live together. Get married. Have kids. Die together. Die happy. But that doesn't happen. It never has. The world has never been like that. The world will never be like that. As much as we want it to be, and as much as we work for it to be, it just won't happen. Sure some people find their perfect match. Some people do live happily ever after.

The chances of it happening to me... Impossible to say. If it does happen, the chance of it happening soon... Even harder to say.

I just need to accept that I have very little going for me. Very little that will help me meet the right person. Even less that will help me not drive that person away. I just need to accept that I most likely will grow old and die, alone.

I guess they put it best on Scrubs. "You're born alone, and you damn sure die alone.". I just need to accept that and wait for my time to run out, no matter how long or painful it will get.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around." - Scrubs, again.

It just feels like there's no escape.

Once again, Scrubs tells the truth on how things work.

"Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-----

So here we are again. The lyrics.

What's in the eye - Linkin Park

What's in the eye, can you tell me Watching the time pass me by There's so much locked up inside

Chorus:

Don't go too fast my friend Or you'll lose control Don't go to fast my friend Or you'll lose control What's in the eye that I cannot catch Is it me, I want to know Why it's so hard to let go

Chorus (x2)

What's in the eye? (x2)

Why?

The chorus and that particular line are good advice for me. I went too fast. I lost control. And now... It's hard to let go. I don't want to let go completely. I want to be friends. I want to be more than friends when we meet up IRL. But I'm not guaranteed for that to happen.

I don't even know any more. I know I say that a lot, but I don't. It's just all so disconcerting. There's no way to know. I guess I'll never know for sure. There's just so much.

The only way I can keep up with everything that goes on in my life right now, and probably for a long time to come, is to blog about it. All that does is focus my thoughts, one at a time until it's all out there, for the internet (and the very few people who care enough about me to read this) to see.

Everything just happens so fast. There is no way to control it.

I'm going to be home late everyday this week. I haven't done the three essays. I can't. I'm not motivated enough. I don't know what to write. Although starting with "I don't even know anymore" could lead it up to be a "creative" piece of work about relationship conflict.

Linh might be moving to America to be with Brian. They might be moving there on a permanent basis. And not coming back.

Fine. Just means I have even less to lose. Sure, we'll still be friends. But it won't be anything like it is now. We change on MSN. We can't have as much fun on MSN. We can't enjoy the moment as much on MSN. We can't talk like that on MSN.

Just another friend leaving my life? Far from it. I love her. She's my best friend. Half the time I'd be lost without her.

I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. She was always the one that I could rely on for anything.

She won't be leaving for a while. I'll just have to enjoy the time we get to spend together.

There's so much going on. There's so little I can do to take control. Sometimes it just feels like too much.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

If I start before midnight...

It still counts as posted the day before. Which is always good when I'm trying to make atleast one post per day, lyrics included, relevance outlined.

Today was shit.

Early morning for Soccer. I have a shower, get dressed, get ready for soccer. We show up at Trinity college. I walked around the entire school for 25 minutes looking for the oval. The coach. I team-mate. Anything. We found nothing. So 10 minutes after the game would have started, we left. Came home. Early morning for nothing. We got home, and Matt and Ness were very hungover.

Hilarious. I set the dogs on them. It was great. Then I played Gamecube all day.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. I have nothing else to do, so I play video games.

Is that what I really want to do, though? Sure it's fun but it's not... I don't know the word.

Then Richard came over before we went and saw "The hangover". Funny movie.

Then there was the ride home. I can't be fucked recounting what happened. It was funny. I'll do it when I'm more awake.

Something, something, something.

I'm too tired, leave me alone.

-----

Lyrics:

Dedicated (Demo 1999) - Linkin Park

I have a dream of a scene between the green hills
Clouds pull away and the sunlight's revealed
People don't talk about keeping it real
It's understood that they actually will
And intoxicated and stimulated emcees
Staring in the trees, paranoid, are gone in the breeze
Watch them flee, hip-hop hits
Take a walk with me and what you'll see
Is a land where the sand is made up of crushed up wax
And the sky beyond you is krylon blue
And everybody speaks in a dialect of rhyme
And emcees have left materialism behind them
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

I've seen a lot of shit, I've talked to a bum
Out on sunset strip, he asked me How would you feel
If everybody acted like you didn't exist
You'd lose your grip, probably eventually flip.
So let it be known, the only reason that we do this
Is so you can pick it up and just bang your head to it
While emcees fight to see who can be the commonest
Be floatin overhead like a space odyssey monolith
Over seeing the game, over being part of the same ol' thing
It's all gonna change in a hurricane of darkness and pain
And acidic rain and promises that you won't do it again
Meanwhile I just grip my mic
And hope me and my team make it through alright
Because say what you will, and say what you might
But don't ignore who it's for at the end of the night

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide
Pulling me close, the shadow is warm inside
This is where I feel at home, this is my place to hide

(Chorus)
Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real is the kids who know that something's wrong
What's real is the kids who think they don't belong
What's real is the kids who have nowhere to run
Who are hiding in the shadows waiting for the sun

This is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to wherever music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same ol' same
And dedicated to the people advancin' the game
What's real, everybody who doesn't feel safe
What's real, everybody who knows they're out of place
What's real, anybody with nowhere to run
Who hides in the shadows waiting for the sun

This isn't exactly relevant to my life... I just think it's a really good song. Shows how messed up most rappers these days are just selling out instantly.

-----

I guess I better head off to bed. I'm tired. I have to make up my bed first. Ugh.

-----

I know you're planning your wedding. I have fun helping out. What gets me down is that you've found the one person you can plan your wedding for. I haven't. And I'm terrified that I never will. If not never, then not soon. Not for a long time. And I hate that. I just want to find the right girl. I don't want to wait. I just want her to be there for me. But it won't happen. Not for a long time.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I have a headache.

Not the regular kind of headache either.

The kind of headache that only comes along when thoughts are racing around, crushing me inside my only skull.

It's extremely inconvenient.

-----

It's subsided.

Now I'm getting all the lyrics for different songs on iTunes, using "GimmeSomeTune". It's a pretty good program, and means next time I want to post song lyrics, I use that instead of searching for lyrics through google.

I guess now is as good a time as any to tell everyone that today during lunch, after having a fantastic time messing around with Linh (meaning she abused me), I got depressed.
I was just thinking. The first girl I fell in love with left me because I fucked up. I know it wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the reasons. Then the next girl I fell in love with had a brief amount of time to be interested in me before I destroyed it. Now I'm alone for however long it takes.
For some stupid reason it seems like I've had my chances and lost them.
It's stupid and it make no sense. I'll have other chances. I know I will. So why don't I actually believe it?

-----

Pokemon. I haven't watched that show in ages. Seems like the only decent thing other than Law & Order is Pokemon: The First Movie. I guess I'll have fun watching.

-----

In other news, Matt's working on a play tonight. He took one of his old Haileybury friends and one of the girls from TAFE or something. So Matt and Ness are gonna come home soon and get drunk. That will be enjoyable to watch.

-----

I guess it's time to add another song.

By_Myslf - Linkin Park

Myself
Myself

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again

By myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself

I can't look around
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

By myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself (myself)
I ask why
But in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself

I can't look around
(It's too much to take in)
I can't hold on
(When I'm stretched so thin)
I can't slow down
(Watching everything spin)
I can't look back
(It's starting over again)

Don't you, Don't you, Don't you, Don't you
Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

I feel like I'm stuck on the outside at school. In my life. Linh's the only one who cares where I am. The only one who makes an effort to see me at school. Steve's the only one who makes an effort to see me outside of school. That makes a total of two really close friends. The others couldn't care less if I didn't show up to school for 3 days straight. Linh would panic in the first day. Steve wouldn't know. We don't talk much. We don't have much to talk about. But he's still one of those guys that would know. He'd find out. He's a great guy. I think one of the problems I have with him is that he's male. It's not his fault. I've just always had a problem opening up to guys. Showing weakness. He wouldn't take advantage of that, I know it. But every other guy I've known, including Richard, has taken advantage of it. Bullied me for being emotional. We just need to sit down and have a good long chat about everything.
I let Linh in. She knows everything about me. Even stuff she didn't want to know. It shouldn't be that hard to let Steve in as well, as long as we start off with a good chat. That's always how it starts with me.

-----

I was going to dedicate a song to Linh, but I can't find the one I was going to use. Son of a bitch.

Oh well. Guess I'll just have to put in our favourite conjoined song. The one we yelled out as we walked to Red Rooster from school.

The East has stolen what the West may want - Moneen

August 1961 stole
The taste of freedom
The life i used to know
16 long years to wait and wonder
Did she make it? Safely make it? Is she still alive?
If she's still breathing then I'm still waiting.
No hope in love.

Scream at the thought, it's not ok
And you dream of the day that she'll be here.

I still remember the last note you sent.
Eight simple words said
"No hope in love, no hope in waiting"
No hope in hell that I'll stop waiting, that I'll stop loving you.

If you still loved him, you'd wait for him.
No hope in love.

Scream at the thought, it's not ok.
And you dream of the day she'll be here.
And your last dying wish would be to see her one last time
When the wall came down.

Scream at the thought.
No hope.

Scream at the last thing you said.
There's no hope in love it's just inside your head.

-----

Guess there's no Rock Climbing for another 3 weeks. Steve messed up his foot, then he's got skiing the week after. It sucks, but we'll get there eventually.

-----

I guess I'm on my own for now. Everyones gone to bed. Everyone except me. I'm tired, but sleep eludes me.

-----

I just need to get used to being alone. The cat won't sleep in my bed any more. Shannyn doesn't want to be with me. My entire relationship with Linh has changed, and I'd rather not go back to what it was when we were dating.

I just need to accept that I'll be alone for a while. I'm not attractive. I'm not that smart. I try to be funny and fail, horribly. Granted, I have my moments, but they're few and far between. I'm not good at sport. I'm not good at playing an instrument. I have very little going for me. I don't know how I got Linh to accept (asking 10 times, getting rejected 9. She probably just got sick of saying 'no' so said yes, to shut me up.). I don't know what Shannyn saw in me before I completely destroyed that. The only thing I'm good with is making random pictures in Photoshop. No ones ever going to be interested in those. I won't make a living off those. I've got nothing to look forward to. And I hate that. It's like having a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 17. It's just down right depressing.

-----

I better go. I have soccer at 10am and it's almost 1am. Let's see how well I play.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Before I fall asleep.

I remembered I hadn't posted a set of song lyrics, or pointed out their relevance to my life. So here we go.

From the Inside - Linkin Park
I don't know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies

Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

I'll take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear
For the last time
I won't trust myself with you

Tension is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me

I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You

There were never lies. Not to her. I don't lie to the people I love. I won't lie to the people I love.
It didn't matter what happened. I would have trusted myself with her. Always.
But it couldn't be.
As upsetting as it is to say, it may never be. It's just a reality I have to face.

We all uncover an unwanted truth, or are forced to face a reality we'd honestly rather not.
When this happens, there's not much we can do about it, except deal with it and try to move on.
Some truths and realities are easier to face than others, but they must be faced.
I only hope that any others that are forced to face some of the more painful realities are not forced to face them alone.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

Eating dip, watching Kane

Not nearly as fun as it sounds, honestly.

Although Copperpot dip... I have yet to find a dip i won't eat from them. Even the ones I wouldn't normally eat.
Guacamole, for instance. I usually wouldn't eat that, unless it was smothering nachos, smothered in cheese and salsa and sourcream and I feel like nachos now. Damn.
I will admit, this Guacamole was not just guacamole. It was a dual dip. The bulk was guacamole and glazed lightly across the top was spicy salsa... It was the best damn guacamole dip I've ever had.
Which raises the tzatziki. I love tzatziki dip. Copperpot also makes the greatest tzatziki dip I've ever tasted. Unfortunately we can only get it in 3 mini dip packets, rather than one large packet.
I plan on making the guacamole and comparing. Complete with home-made spicy salsa to be drenched over the top, in all its deliciousness.

<br>

And here we come to Citizen Kane.

I found it to be quite interesting. Right up until I finished eating and had to start actually paying attention.

He is a bastard. A real bastard. A chocolate coated bastard with bastard filling.

Although he does throw a tantrum pretty well. In the last 15 minutes or so.

This has got to be one of the most dull and boring movies I've ever seen. Not because there's no special effects or anything. It's just really, really boring.
I'm not entirely sure how we're meant to get so many notes.
Then again I guess I didn't read enough into it. It's so boring I'm not sure I want to.

<br>

It feels very odd... It's 11pm and I have no one to talk to on MSN. It's... not right. Linh went for a "brief nap" at about 9:30, most of my friends are in bed... The only other person I would like to talk to isn't online. Even if she were, I don't think I'd be talking to her for very long. I'm way too tired after that mind numbing drivel.
I don't want to mess things up with her again. She needs my support, I plan on giving it to her. She doesn't want me to be romantic then I have no other choice.
It's a struggle, but it's necessary.

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous